Photography

I am still deciding about whether or no to do an actual Diploma or something for this, but so many of the “professionals” don’t bother with it.  I am not sure I can ever get good enough without it.

Having said that the last couple of weeks I have taken some right crackers in my opinion, awesome shots.  No one seems to like them but me, and you know I am sort of ok with that.  I have been known to have…weird…taste 🙂

I took some photos today that I absolutely love, but I can’t post them anywhere as I am considering putting them into a magazine for publication.  I have never actually managed to get my stuff published, I suck, so I am almost tempted to not bother.

GAH!!  LOL Decisions 🙂

 

 

Questions about myself

I had a very long and emotional (?) chat with my best friend the other night and it was bringing up so many questions about sadness and depression and how to tell the two apart.

My friend let’s call them Z, has been on anti depressants for a little while now and has found them to be completely life changing.   No longer with bad thoughts and negative self doubt all the time.  Z was suggesting I should try them because of my PTSD it maybe will help with all the extra baggage emotionally, that I carry around.

This led me to thinking about what I am actually feeling, of course quite appropriate the next day I was reading about the Jill sentence being handed down.

I don’t particularly want to see another shrink, whilst I was working well with the one I had back in 2007, I don’t want to open up old wounds and starting with a new shrink will do that.  They will want to talk about everything again and I simply do not want to start therapy all over again.

The question I have been trying to answer since the conversation with my friend is am I really fucked up or am I just sad about the few major things in my life that are preventing me from making any progress.

That makes no sense when I read it back to myself.  But for example, I have been job hunting for almost 6 years with absolutely no luck.  The last 3 years at my previous employer I had multiple interviews for roles and I never ever got them and now i have spent almost another 3 years looking for work and have managed to have one interview in that time.

Admittedly I would take a break for a couple of months after about 6 months, but overall, I have been rejected and ignored over 1400 times.  Rough approximation of applying for 5 jobs a week on average.  Over that amount of time it drains you emotionally, that you invest hours writing resumes, preparing for interviews that never happen getting your hopes up on the phone with recruiters only to be told there is no job in the end.

I feel worthless because of the job hunting – does that make me depressed?  My worthlessness translates into other areas of my life, I feel I can’t succeed at anything, that I am crap or not intelligent enough to learn or get better.  This then makes me angry and negative about myself, which then translates into explosive anger and then sudden overwhelming remorse that I got angry at someone/something in place of myself.

I am happy I have a job, which I fell into, and it isn’t likely my parents will fire me randomly but I didn’t earn the job. I took it on to help them, it isn’t my job to keep.  I am unwanted there because it is not my business.

The job hunt leads onto other things like not earning as much money now as I used to, which means we are much more strict on what we spend and we have to save up money for months to do anything or buy necessities, this makes me feel bad about my lack of ability in finding a job.  Does this make me depressed or just sad?

All of that above sadness then translates into self hate and how it would be much easier for all involved if I wasn’t alive or around causing issues and stress like arguments and negative vibes and black clouds of doom and destruction.  Is that depression or just someone unable to claw their way out of a pit of despair?

I am unhappy with my weight now, and although easier to stay fat for PTSD reasons, I don’t want to be unhealthy anymore.  I am not a person in the fat loving movement, sorry, I am unhealthy – I don’t want to be overweight. I lack the focus and motivation to lose the weight because I keep having surgery on various things and I want chocolate to combat the general discontent I feel with the above issues.  Does this make me depressed??

I don’t understand the word and its meaning.  I don’t want to be on antidepressants because I genuinely don’t feel I am “clinically depressed”.  I am sad, very sad, and self hating a lot of the time, but does that translate into depression? It has been nearly 16 years since the rape and I think a lot of feelings of worthlessness are still tied into my emotions now, I get triggered to go back to that headspace, I need to spend more time focusing on controlling my self talk like i was taught.

Sorry just my ramblings about it. I don’t have an answer, I don’t believe I am depressed, as I said to Z last night, I will probably feel over the moon when I actually get a job offer, simply because it means someone has seen something in me that is worthwhile, but if I am being honest it will depend on the job – if it is a job I consider below me I will be upset that I wasn’t good enough for one of the more challenging roles. However,  an employer met me and thought I was good enough, so that should be good enough. I can’t see the future, but I know how I feel inside and I feel that all of this stems from 6 years of job hunting.

I hope I am right.

Open Letter to Keith Urban

Yes, I know this is a strange heading, but I am going to do a couple of open letters in the next few days.  The idea has been pottering around in my head, and I feel it is time to get it out, hopefully there will be some positive in this – I want to find something to be positive about.

Dear Keith Urban,

I have been a fan of country music for a very long time, I don’t really know when it became a favourite style, but I seem to have always loved it.  There is something about the twangy guitars and the way some words are said over a mouthful of marbles that just resonates with me.  I confess to never really listening to your music, not for any other reason then I just didn’t listen to any one specific person or group all that thoroughly.  I tend to like one or two songs from an artist and dislike the rest. Of course I had heard of you and enjoyed the songs of yours that I did hear, but I was never urged to hear more.  I was perhaps a little too quick to judge a cute australian being able to do country music justice like our US counterparts – please don’t hate me for that!!

This changed recently whilst I was watching the first season of “The Voice”.  I was amazed that every time someone came out to audition you were singing along with the song, I have no idea why that had me intrigued, but it did.  You knew so many songs from so many genres and knew them well enough to mouth along with them, perhaps you missed one or two, but overall you were there.  I was impressed, I immediately went and bought an album of yours to listen to, a couple of weeks later, my hubby bought me “The story so Far”.  It has been quite a few months now, and I have not stopped listening to it on repeat.  That one album has done more for me over the last few weeks than I can even begin to thank you for.

I have been feeling a little…deathwishy lately.  I am not suicidal..I couldn’t do it, however I do want to die to stop the crap I am going through.  Your album is the one thing that gets me through each and every single day.  I couldn’t tell you why or how or what about it makes me feel so much better, but every time I put my headphones on and I hit the play button, I am so happy to be alive and listening to you.  There is something about that album that makes me smile, sing along with and move my thoughts to all the good things in my life.  It is completely uplifting for me.

You could say I have a dependancy on it now as when I turn it off or stop listening to it, I really struggle to get my emotions under control again.  I know that sounds bad, but it is such an improvement on a few months ago when I just couldn’t stop thinking about dying, I owe you my life.   Ok, that was possibly a little melodramatic but it is true, a few weeks ago I was at my lowest point and I could not see the light at the end of the tunnel it was your songs that got me through it.  I am still a very long way from being ok, I know that, but I felt it was important that I let you know the profound affect you have had on my life.  I would potentially be just another suicide statistic if it wasn’t for you and I am certain my husband is glad I watched that first season of “The Voice” now.

I guess I really wanted to thank you for making music and being such a fantastic artist, for having such uplifting and inspiring songs and for helping one Aussie in a sea of billions keep going through all the crap.

Thank you Keith Urban.

Regards

Need to get it out of my head

I have been drowning in the negatives lately and I really feel I just need to vent and let it out.  As blogging has always been an outlet for me here goes.

My step-mum is having another nervous breakdown and has left the business is a right mess again – 2 years after the first one.  Yes in Jan I will have been here 2 years….god help me!!

Running on empty

I know it has been months since I have written on this blog, the basic reason for that revolves around me not having anything positive to say about things going on in my life.  There have been positives – don’t get me wrong – but I don’t want to post about them publicly and they are not doing anything to outweigh the immensely crushing weight of not being able to get a job.

Over the last 18 months I have applied for, on average 8 jobs a week, which is almost 600 jobs in total.  To date I have had no interviews at employers at all and less than a handful (still) of agency interviews that always end the same way.

Yes I have written about it before, yes I have had my resume changed over 4 times now – each person telling me it needs to be different – none of them have had any better reaction.

I am in tears every night at my current job because of so many reasons, that I can’t really write about concisely. Suffice it to say I have never felt as completely incapable as I have in the last 12 months of this position.  In the last 3 months I have spent most of my day doing absolutely nothing because my boss will not relinquish control of every detail to anyone.

I have not managed to get any uni completed because of time travelled to my current role and I am completely incapable of being employed anywhere.

I am constantly thinking about death and wanting to die.  No, I am not suicidal – I am too chicken shit, however should a bus hit me and kill me instantly, I would not be upset about it.  I am not going to run off and take a hundred pills or anything like that.  I hate the thought of people staring at me in a hospital bed all upset because I tried and failed to do it properly, therefore making them upset.  If there was a guaranteed method, I would not have to deal with that guilt and shame I would so be on that bandwagon.

What annoys me – the reason I feel like the above is because I cannot get another job.  I can’t get interviews. I have no friends who can put me forward for positions.  I am looking at jobs in every state and even NZ.  I can’t even get call backs about call centre jobs in Perth.  I will move wherever I need to if it is a good work environment and I can actually just help contribute to the financial side of the household again.

I am not upset about any other aspect of my life, I love my life, we only have a mortgage as our debt, the credit card is paid off and clear, we aren’t behind on any bills etc, I have a fantastic husband who is my pillar and constantly tries to reassure me I am worth more than I realise, but the truth remains that I am completely unemployable.

Recruitment agencies make it completely impossible to know what the best way to do things is, if you show drive, they don’t like you, if you don’t show any, they don’t like you, if you are fat, short, curly haired, long distance, blah blah blah, it is nigh on impossible to get through to anything.

I want to die so I don’t have to constantly deal with being made to feel inadequate, dumb, unskilled, stupid and worthless.  I want to be able to just disappear and not have to hold back my tears all the time, I want to yell at recruiters, I want to get angry and I want to smash people’s faces in.  I want out.  I want out of this cycle of getting hopeful about a position and then being told I wasn’t even close. I want it to end. I want to just close my eyes and never have to deal with it again. I want to be put out of my misery because I don’t have the balls to do it myself.

I had dreams.  I don’t anymore.   I have nothing left in me to care.  Hubby says I can quit and we will make it work.  I know he is trying to help, but I don’t want to put anymore strain on our relationship because we can barely afford to pay all of our bills now.  I am completely useless and the sooner I come to grips with that the better off I will be.

Today I will walk down our local town area and see if anyone needs a kitchen hand – maybe I can get employed as a dishwasher. Although I highly doubt I will even manage to get a job doing that – it may be just a fraction harder than I can cope with.  Maybe tomorrow I will get runover by a truck or something and this will be the end.

That is the only dream I have left now, every night, I dream I die and I want to cry when I wake up because it didn’t happen.

I should go to bed, but how can I crawl in beside the most wonderful man, when I am such a failure every day?  I think this may be the last post I make on any of my blogs, I have nothing left to offer anyone and so I am removing myself from the equation.

 

Moving forward

I have enrolled in Uni, I start in August 🙂

I am doing Intro to Chemistry as I have to have basic chem to do any science courses.  I am nervous as hell. I can do it though.  I have more than enough nerdy science friends that could tutor me and indeed even my mother!

I can get it done!  This will be the start of increasing my GPA.

I also start karate next week – Monday in fact. So I will be doing uni study before classes start it’s a good way of utilizing my time 😀 as I have 2 hours to waste before classes start and when I finish work.

The only issue being i will have to spend sunday cooking as many pre-meals as possible I think as it will just get too hard to cook both and lunch and dinner for Monday and Thursdays the night before or morning of.

Due to my weightloss I am able to fit into my suit again – so job interviews are back on the table!!  WOOT!

My business idea is still churning around i my head.  I have to go and buy some material this fortnight and start sewing. Then asking friends if they want things made so I can build a portfolio up and then creating a web profile for it. I don’t want to give away too much because I don’t want to risk losing the idea 🙂

 

Bugger

My business idea is not something I can protect…I basically have to hope that when I pitch it, they don’t steal it off me.  Received information from an IP lawyer today 😦

The best way I can figure to do this is to just start it up and hope like hell, I get buyers and then when I start getting some business and support hopefully I can defend it should I need to.

All I can think, is that i need to get it started ASAP and then build it up slowly over time.

I need to think.

and then i wonder

Why do I bother?

Anyway, started off this week, quite good, was happy – PMTing like mental, but happy, you know how that is.

Hubby and I are looking at taking up karate – just looking at the moment, I am not entirely sure we can afford it, but we are going to do our best to see if we can. So there is a bit of a buzz in the house at the moment.

I have yet to enrol in the science course, i keep telling myself I will and then I chicken out before actually doing it.

We watched girl with the dragon tattoo and there was a very violent rape scene which I knew nothing about. Actually, there was a few other scenes in there which were along the same lines and had a very negative effect on me.  Suffice it to say I have been trying to get my head back into a better place since then as I have been plagued with old emotions.

I walked into work today and copped a serve first thing from my father and it has not stopped all morning.  I am sick and tired of being the fuck up because my step mother doesn’t leave notes on anything and I am supposed to just know what is going on with every single car.  It set me right off – i assume pmt is a huge factor – but the fact i I can’t get another job.  I am completely unemployable and I even suck at this.  My head is there and I am not going to be able to get it out for a few more days again now.

I have discovered what I think could be an awesome business idea…requires me to up my sewing skills and perhaps get someone in on the start up with me who can sew better than I can.  I am ok, not a master by any stretch, but I could certainly hold my own in some areas.  I wonder if my mother wants to be a millionaire just buy doing some sewing :p I will happily give her…hrmm…5% of the profits :p LOL

I am currently looking into getting a business started up, initially I can do it from home after normal work and weekends, then when the demand picks up I can just cut down my hours here and increase my hours sewing.   There are also some grants etc I can apply for  – sexist as they may be – i won’t say no to free money just because I am a woman..no matter how much like a prostitute it makes me feel 🙂

It is tinkering in the back of my mind and I will need to make some phone calls tomorrow on my day off and see what I need to do. I mean, my sewing machine is ok, but I will need an overlocker and an embroidery machine probably – for what i want to do, it will likely be needed.

I need to get a business name straight off so I can buy fabric wholesale though and start making stuff to advertise.  Be damned if I am going to pay full price for fabric :p

Anyway, there are positives – i just have to focus on those and tell my brain to remember that I am better than an admin assistant in a disorganised panel shop that I have absolutely no control over.

Getting back in the game

The last couple of weeks I have been trying to get my head back in the game. Not be such a whinging little cow and make my life mean something to me again.

I am not telling my friends and family about this (aside from those who read this of course) as I don’t want to fail again in their eyes.

Because I don’t have a GPA at the moment with the one HD and 3 fails, I have decided to enrol back into study – I am not going to enrol into a degree at this stage, just a module at a time.  I will try as much as possible to stick with the one university and the one degree course for the modules.

I am currently looking at doing science. I know – another change – however as I said to hubby a few nights ago…I never really considered science seriously because I don’t feel that I am smart enough.  From a chemistry standpoint, I certainly am not. However I loved biology, genetics, and cells in high school  From my recollection I did quite well on those projects. Perhaps my mother will remember better than I do.

I also had quite a few career choices I was interested in that were science based like Vet, Nurse, CSIRO research etc..I remember those desires vividly. Why did I let them fall by the wayside – because I wasn’t good at chemistry? Seems silly to me now.  I think I thought all science was the same and really it isn’t is it?

Anyway, I can do intro science, see how i like it, see what happens.  The modules I looked at all have Melbourne based on campus learning for one week of the study period, mornings only, so I can manage that with no extra money for flights etc.

I want to make my parents proud, I want to make my hubby proud, I want to make myself proud.  I am not a dole bludger welfare mother, so yes I could be proud of that fact, but I want more from my life and I am the only one who is going to be able to get it.

I have not yet enrolled as I still freak out every few days about my cockiness – who in the hell do I think I am?  Me – do science…please, it would be like watching a horse trying to waltz!!  Anyway, I am working through those thoughts 🙂

Next, a blogging friend, who I have been following for a while now, has done me something that has given me such a boost of love and confidence.  There are a few of us in the WoW blogosphere that are in love with Chibis. They are cute little characters drawings of our in game toons.  They are so gorgeous you honestly want to just die.  Think of the cat from Puss in Boots with the big round eyes cute 🙂  Anyway, I have made comment a few times on how wonderful they are…I will get one ordered soon! Well I have a few toons I would love to get a couple done.  In the end she told me last night – she had one ordered for me!!  OMG! I don’t know which of my toons, likely my mage, but honestly I was floored!

It has made me feel so special that she has got one ordered for me. I really can’t put it into words how special.  I must do something to repay the kindness she has shown me.  Once I receive it, I have to make a lovely post, but I can’t formulate words correctly at the moment, I don’t know of anything that I could do which would say how I really feel about it.  It is more than just a chibi to me.

 

JUST CANT GET A BREAK

So annoyed right now, applied for a junior underwriter position – decided to call now to confirm they received my application, they had sort of…it wasn’t there but was apparently…

THEN

they want someone with commercial insurance experience….WELL REALLY – WHY NOT PUT THAT IN THE FUCKING ADVERT YOU DUMBARSES!!!!

Why am I unemployed when I am so much better then these arses out there?  news.com.au and theage.com.au have both has typing errors in their news articles recently which annoys me….I know I can’t type and i post with errors – but I am not a journalist and generally I am ranting and i don’t get paid to make sure I can proofread things correctly!

I also am able to type up appropriate job adverts so as to not waste 2 hours of my night retyping a god damn resume to be appropriate to the fucking position.  Nor am I incapable of learning how commercial insurance works vs personal….insurance is not that different across areas..no it really isn’t…

So over it right now!

On a upbeat note – i am getting a new domain tomorrow for my weightloss blog and perhaps my gaming blog.  I may make my personal blog part of my weightloss blog although I think that can be boring for some people….not sure yet….Either way I am excited about spending the weekend updating my blogs and just having a play.