Need to get it out of my head

I have been drowning in the negatives lately and I really feel I just need to vent and let it out.  As blogging has always been an outlet for me here goes.

My step-mum is having another nervous breakdown and has left the business is a right mess again – 2 years after the first one.  Yes in Jan I will have been here 2 years….god help me!!

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Running on empty

I know it has been months since I have written on this blog, the basic reason for that revolves around me not having anything positive to say about things going on in my life.  There have been positives – don’t get me wrong – but I don’t want to post about them publicly and they are not doing anything to outweigh the immensely crushing weight of not being able to get a job.

Over the last 18 months I have applied for, on average 8 jobs a week, which is almost 600 jobs in total.  To date I have had no interviews at employers at all and less than a handful (still) of agency interviews that always end the same way.

Yes I have written about it before, yes I have had my resume changed over 4 times now – each person telling me it needs to be different – none of them have had any better reaction.

I am in tears every night at my current job because of so many reasons, that I can’t really write about concisely. Suffice it to say I have never felt as completely incapable as I have in the last 12 months of this position.  In the last 3 months I have spent most of my day doing absolutely nothing because my boss will not relinquish control of every detail to anyone.

I have not managed to get any uni completed because of time travelled to my current role and I am completely incapable of being employed anywhere.

I am constantly thinking about death and wanting to die.  No, I am not suicidal – I am too chicken shit, however should a bus hit me and kill me instantly, I would not be upset about it.  I am not going to run off and take a hundred pills or anything like that.  I hate the thought of people staring at me in a hospital bed all upset because I tried and failed to do it properly, therefore making them upset.  If there was a guaranteed method, I would not have to deal with that guilt and shame I would so be on that bandwagon.

What annoys me – the reason I feel like the above is because I cannot get another job.  I can’t get interviews. I have no friends who can put me forward for positions.  I am looking at jobs in every state and even NZ.  I can’t even get call backs about call centre jobs in Perth.  I will move wherever I need to if it is a good work environment and I can actually just help contribute to the financial side of the household again.

I am not upset about any other aspect of my life, I love my life, we only have a mortgage as our debt, the credit card is paid off and clear, we aren’t behind on any bills etc, I have a fantastic husband who is my pillar and constantly tries to reassure me I am worth more than I realise, but the truth remains that I am completely unemployable.

Recruitment agencies make it completely impossible to know what the best way to do things is, if you show drive, they don’t like you, if you don’t show any, they don’t like you, if you are fat, short, curly haired, long distance, blah blah blah, it is nigh on impossible to get through to anything.

I want to die so I don’t have to constantly deal with being made to feel inadequate, dumb, unskilled, stupid and worthless.  I want to be able to just disappear and not have to hold back my tears all the time, I want to yell at recruiters, I want to get angry and I want to smash people’s faces in.  I want out.  I want out of this cycle of getting hopeful about a position and then being told I wasn’t even close. I want it to end. I want to just close my eyes and never have to deal with it again. I want to be put out of my misery because I don’t have the balls to do it myself.

I had dreams.  I don’t anymore.   I have nothing left in me to care.  Hubby says I can quit and we will make it work.  I know he is trying to help, but I don’t want to put anymore strain on our relationship because we can barely afford to pay all of our bills now.  I am completely useless and the sooner I come to grips with that the better off I will be.

Today I will walk down our local town area and see if anyone needs a kitchen hand – maybe I can get employed as a dishwasher. Although I highly doubt I will even manage to get a job doing that – it may be just a fraction harder than I can cope with.  Maybe tomorrow I will get runover by a truck or something and this will be the end.

That is the only dream I have left now, every night, I dream I die and I want to cry when I wake up because it didn’t happen.

I should go to bed, but how can I crawl in beside the most wonderful man, when I am such a failure every day?  I think this may be the last post I make on any of my blogs, I have nothing left to offer anyone and so I am removing myself from the equation.

 

JUST CANT GET A BREAK

So annoyed right now, applied for a junior underwriter position – decided to call now to confirm they received my application, they had sort of…it wasn’t there but was apparently…

THEN

they want someone with commercial insurance experience….WELL REALLY – WHY NOT PUT THAT IN THE FUCKING ADVERT YOU DUMBARSES!!!!

Why am I unemployed when I am so much better then these arses out there?  news.com.au and theage.com.au have both has typing errors in their news articles recently which annoys me….I know I can’t type and i post with errors – but I am not a journalist and generally I am ranting and i don’t get paid to make sure I can proofread things correctly!

I also am able to type up appropriate job adverts so as to not waste 2 hours of my night retyping a god damn resume to be appropriate to the fucking position.  Nor am I incapable of learning how commercial insurance works vs personal….insurance is not that different across areas..no it really isn’t…

So over it right now!

On a upbeat note – i am getting a new domain tomorrow for my weightloss blog and perhaps my gaming blog.  I may make my personal blog part of my weightloss blog although I think that can be boring for some people….not sure yet….Either way I am excited about spending the weekend updating my blogs and just having a play.

 

Water explosions

I have been sick with a cold like thing since Thursday – including he who shall not be named – he has the sinus/cough/body thing, and I have the body/headache/cough thing.

So friday whilst we are both sitting on the couch in our own delirium, I notice Loki licking up something on the floor, immediately thinking one of them had peed, then also realising he wouldn’t be licking it up if that was the case.

Ran into the bathroom to find the pipe in the vanity unit had burst an d water was rushing out – covering now the entire en suite, bedroom and start of the entrance hall in water.  the en suite had about 2 inches, the bedroom was almost floating and the water was making its way to the lounge room and TV.

every towel I owned was thrown down to prevent more heading for the lounge and we both started mopping up the water – including towels we borrowed from a friend.  The insurance company was really fast and got someone out here at about 7pm to start sucking up the water, he left a blower to dry out the carpet – as it was clean water and not sewage or something, they say it can just be dried and cleaned – especially since they got on to it as fast as they did.

So all our bedroom furniture is in the lounge room – thanks to another friend coming out to help us move everything – we are sleeping on couches and floors.  Last night, I went to sleep on the floor of the spare bedroom ( I don’t like the fold out sofa – it hurts my back), and i noticed the floor in there was wet.

We emptied out the cupboard and a few thing have water damage now – a very old suitcase, a picnic basket/backpack thing which I cannot wash so likely will be mouldy soon, a hand painted oil picture of my parents wedding has been wet up to the middle – appears no damage to  the actual image and mainly just the backing – but can’t be sure until it dries out. By the time we got to bed it was about 2:30am….we didn’t want to sleep in that room either because the water had been left a two days and anything could be developing in there…

I did notice the back of the vanity cabinet was wet – and I did not think at the time to check if it has gone through to the other room –  so now I am concerned there could be structural damage – which would add more costs to this whole thing.

This week was going to be our first on a new budget – and as usual I can’t get a fucking break….anything in my world that can fuck up – will fuck up – and i am so at the end of my tether I can barely function.  I am so close to losing the plot entirely and losing my shit. I don’t see the fucking point of trying…I don’t fucking want to deal with this fuming shit they call a “life”.  I think I must already be dead because this is my private fucking hell.

I am currently waiting for this cleaner to come back so we can show him the further damage as per the instructions from the claim handler this morning when I called to advise we found more damage.

really?…

Some days I should just not get out of bed.

I was actually  a little annoyed by the time I got home yesterday because I spent the entire afternoon picking at a scab, as it were, and running things over in my head repeatedly.

The situation…..

I don’t work fulltime, as far as I know because they can’t really afford to pay me, so I work 4 days a week and sacrifice a days pay – so…yesterday afternoon I had to help my S-mum pay $1052 for a pendant.   That’s almost 12 weeks pay for that extra day I could work….and I know it doesn’t sound a lot, but then neither does the contemplation of dropping $40k on jewellery – but not being able to pay me…

What’s even weirder is that she is now trying to get a part time job somewhere else to help them pay out their tax…nvm the one month holiday to the US they are taking next month…..

Yes, I thought about this all evening and it just made me sad….I got over the annoyance and was just sad about it.  Sad for her, sad for dad…pitying them I suppose….

My twilight obsession :D (and subsequent defence)

If you are likely to take offence easily at me attacking all the twi-haters out there, I would suggest you read no further 😀 I pull no punches on this one, there is strong violence, strong language and yes probably a lot of name calling and feminism hating in this post 🙂

I would suggest you skip over it if you feel so inclined, or just laugh this off as my attempt at defending the story that I have come to love very dearly.

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time

it’s been a couple of hours since my last post, and I am sinking even further, I am trying to keep my spirits buoyed, but I am fighting a losing battle.

I will be sending my resume through to maccas and KFC soon the rate things are going – something i said I would never ever do…..

I am not entirely sure I should drive myself home today, as I am not thinking clearly, so I am glad I am not coming to work tomorrow.

There is nothing I can say to myself to feel better, all my self talk is completely negative and anything positive I think of is being immediately shot down with negative things that seem to make more sense.

I can’t fight anymore, and I have no more strength…not today….the last few months I have felt myself getting more and more depressed about this whole job situation and I think the phone call this morning was the camel’s back snapping…especially when I have been trying to put a good facade on the situation to ensure people don’t worry about me and my feelings….but the energy I was using to maintain that has run out…

GAH

Sick of posting about jobs

but honestly it is the thing which is on my mind as it affects so many other areas of my life in a negative way.

I have sent my resume to two good friends to review and look over and advise me about when they have a chance. One of them is like an english grammar and dictionary book walking and talking – no jokes, she is amazing – i think it is because she works in a library – perhaps she soaks it up through the skin like osmosis.  The other owns a small business about improving self for employment (among other things).

They both shot me down, the second one advising me to re-write the entire thing from scratch.  So that will be my weekend tomorrow – redoing my resume from start to finish using both of their criticisms to hopefully improve it somewhat.

I have been sick all week with a viral thing, throat infection and sinus pain – so have been feeling wonderful, but this means I am also now 2 days pay short because I have 8 days sick leave paid and I have only 1 left.  I am so run down though by the travel and depression that I am getting sicker more often again.

I have done no exercise as I have no motivation – I am so depressed about my life and my lack of, well, anything except a happy marriage, that I am feeling really pessimistic about everything.  Yeah I know I have it much better than some people in the world and I am not dealing with death or separation like some of my friends, but that is irrelevant as our own personal pain is always so much greater than what anyone else is going through – whether true or not – that is how we perceive it when we are at the bottom…well it could also just be me 😀

We have to be so careful with money now (again), watch what food we buy, how much petrol we use (hubby got a lift with friends to a BBQ because we couldn’t afford the petrol if I went with him and took our own car – the fact that I am still not 100% was  also a life saver), how much I put on the  bills each week has to be carefully planned out and in the end – I hate having money troubles.  I am not doing well with it.  I am not coping with this.  I am not able to stop crying because all I am worried about it money and how fucked I am making our lives because I can’t seem to get another job that pays more than a fucking apprentice. Yup, I could earn more as a 4th year apprentice…how the mighty have fallen considering I was earning over 55K a year ago – I am now earning less than 25k…and by less – I mean I am under 22k but was trying to make it sound better……

Yeah  that sounds even worse when I type it like that actually……I am going to have more ice-cream……

Anger management

I have been writing very little still as most of it is not publishable in my eyes.

I have been doing badly with the anger management the last few days (perhaps a week). I have been feeling snappy and irritable, I have advised hubby and anyone around me at the time – and I have made a concerted effort to not let it get the better of me as I am at least now aware of it…but it is just so frustrating to be constantly battling with things that are making me stressed enough to feel snappy.

I know my work is a major part in that – as much as I love my father, he has a temper like a wounded bull and I am not used to working in an environment where people yell constantly about everything  – I hated my old job – everyone knows that – but compared to this – it was a relative heaven of peace and quiet.

I have basically been told to work 4 days a week – one day as unpaid – and so that has dropped our income even further below what we need to live.  They basically can’t afford to pay me – and I am by no means earning all that much…this is also weighing on my mind as I seem incapable of finding other employment to bring our income back up to a more managable level.  I seriously just want to cry – but can’t because I want to be strong and put the brave face that everything is ok and that I have it much better than a large percentage of the population….but…let’s face it…this is my reality and I have to deal with the fact that we are sort of screwed financially because I am  unemployable.

We are heading to Tassie tomorrow and I am not sure we should really be going as we are cutting it fine with money, but no refunds are available.  I had forgotten in all my calculations we needed to get the car serviced as it was almost 7k over (especially before travelling around Tassie) and that chopped $550 out of our budget for the trip.

I have asked hubby to write a post about the changes he has seen in me and my anger management so I can have an objective view.  He has sort of agreed but not really yet…so I will have to pin him down on that 😀

I want to get into exercise, but I am so physically and mentally drained from work that I don’t have anything left when I get home. Viscious cycle.

I really can’t be bothered writing any more as it just makes me depressed.  So I am going to stop here before the tears start and can’t be stopped.

Why does it all happen at once…

and why do we not plan things better….WHYYYYY!!!

So in the last month and in the next month – this is our financial conundrum…

We are going to Tassie to see friends and attend a conference – paid for 2 tickets on the Spirit of Tassie and tickets to the conference.

We also have to get 2 nights accomodation on either side of the conference due to the ferry.

We also have to find petrol to drive from Devonport to where ever this conference is…exact location unknown as we are waiting for our information packs to arrive.

We would have had to hire  car if we flew because of where the conference is, therefore taking the ferry was almost the same price – yes we are snobs and only like flying qantas….

2 x rego’s due – one is already over due by a week (possibly 2) and one is due next week at $600 a pop.

I also have to pay the phone bill, water and electricity bills before we go to Tassie…:D

So yes…I wish we had planned a little better so that it wasn’t all in one hit…you know…paid the conference tickets 3 months ago, booked ferry 2 months ago etc etc!!

Just my little stress at the moment…we will survive – we always do…but it just sits at the back of my mind….