Getting back in the game

The last couple of weeks I have been trying to get my head back in the game. Not be such a whinging little cow and make my life mean something to me again.

I am not telling my friends and family about this (aside from those who read this of course) as I don’t want to fail again in their eyes.

Because I don’t have a GPA at the moment with the one HD and 3 fails, I have decided to enrol back into study – I am not going to enrol into a degree at this stage, just a module at a time.  I will try as much as possible to stick with the one university and the one degree course for the modules.

I am currently looking at doing science. I know – another change – however as I said to hubby a few nights ago…I never really considered science seriously because I don’t feel that I am smart enough.  From a chemistry standpoint, I certainly am not. However I loved biology, genetics, and cells in high school  From my recollection I did quite well on those projects. Perhaps my mother will remember better than I do.

I also had quite a few career choices I was interested in that were science based like Vet, Nurse, CSIRO research etc..I remember those desires vividly. Why did I let them fall by the wayside – because I wasn’t good at chemistry? Seems silly to me now.  I think I thought all science was the same and really it isn’t is it?

Anyway, I can do intro science, see how i like it, see what happens.  The modules I looked at all have Melbourne based on campus learning for one week of the study period, mornings only, so I can manage that with no extra money for flights etc.

I want to make my parents proud, I want to make my hubby proud, I want to make myself proud.  I am not a dole bludger welfare mother, so yes I could be proud of that fact, but I want more from my life and I am the only one who is going to be able to get it.

I have not yet enrolled as I still freak out every few days about my cockiness – who in the hell do I think I am?  Me – do science…please, it would be like watching a horse trying to waltz!!  Anyway, I am working through those thoughts 🙂

Next, a blogging friend, who I have been following for a while now, has done me something that has given me such a boost of love and confidence.  There are a few of us in the WoW blogosphere that are in love with Chibis. They are cute little characters drawings of our in game toons.  They are so gorgeous you honestly want to just die.  Think of the cat from Puss in Boots with the big round eyes cute 🙂  Anyway, I have made comment a few times on how wonderful they are…I will get one ordered soon! Well I have a few toons I would love to get a couple done.  In the end she told me last night – she had one ordered for me!!  OMG! I don’t know which of my toons, likely my mage, but honestly I was floored!

It has made me feel so special that she has got one ordered for me. I really can’t put it into words how special.  I must do something to repay the kindness she has shown me.  Once I receive it, I have to make a lovely post, but I can’t formulate words correctly at the moment, I don’t know of anything that I could do which would say how I really feel about it.  It is more than just a chibi to me.

 

German

Once again I have been doing some soul searching and trying to figure out wtf I want to do with my life.

Hubby was brutual again in his assessment of my stupidly held views and i completely understand his point of view – but i just don’t know how to change them.

The issue is I believe – strongly and without doubt – that a person must have a career goal – (I blame my  mother for that :P)  and they must attain that goal.  Or they could have kids – which is a valid lifestyle choice and become stay at home mums for at least the first few years of the babies lives…again that is my opinion 🙂

However I fit neither of those boxes.  I have no career aspirations – other than the be making enough money to cover our bills and allow me to save for a god damn overseas holiday 🙂  I also have no current desire to procreate – that could of course change at any point.

So my “issue” is that I don’t fit into my own stereotype of what I should be – and it causes me so much mental stress.  Hubby was trying to convince me that I don’t need a goal – there are many people who don’t have goals or career aspirations and they do just fine.

So after that whole discussion, I realised that I was doing uni courses and things that don’t interest me – I don’t really want to do programming or marketting or business admin – but I was doing them because they inevitably lead to careers – that I don’t want to do.  I am going to look into getting back into German studies.

There are a couple of long term diploma’s etc, however I am going to look into some short courses as well see if i can’t get my German back a little faster than that.

I can certainly pick up a career that involves German easily enough and I love German and all things related so this will be a more positive move for me in the long run.

I also think the reason I am not getting a job is because I told myself I would work at Dad’s shop to give me the chance to a)study – having a day off and b) lose weight.  I think until I fulfil both of those things – I am nto going anywhere.  Sometimes Will power and sending things into the Aether is NOT a good idea unless you are sure you can still to it.

Climbing emotional mount everest

I am slowly climbing back up the depressive period, I found my grapple hook and snow shoes.

Nothing has changed except I have just decided to take it easy, there is something I am obviously supposed to be doing/seeing/experiencing whilst working where I am and until that comes to conclusion I will be unsuccessful in any venture I attempt.

I have been in this situation before and I think I may have brought it upon myself in some ways….

I am hoping I still have my anger issues under control but I don’t really know – I must ask hubby about it.

Things we learn from children

My mum linked to a warm and fuzzy blogpost about life and what we learn from our kids – The original blog post is lovely and I am sure has many parents smiling and nodding in agreement 🙂

This is my realistic view of the 10 things you learn 🙂 please bear in mind I am not a parent nor do I have solid plans to be one and discover all the highs and lows! But I did help my step mum with by younger siblings so I am not completely oblivious 🙂

1: gag reflex – you know that 50% of the time when you open that nappy, the contents will make you revisit your last 8 lunches!

2: sleep deprivation – because you can’t get the parasite to sleep!

3: creativity -discovering ways to cover corners, keep doors closed, protect power points and generally ensure they can’t, somehow, injure themselves.

4: slobber – because everything has to shoved into their mouth and covered in sticky slobber!

5: vomit – because burping babies are so much fun when they bring it all back up for you to see.

6: homicidal tendencies – there is nothing more soothing than a child having a tantrum – anywhere!

7: painter- the only paint you want on the walls is the stuff that wipes texta, pencil, crayon etc off with a clean cloth and some soapy water.

8: grim reaper – the constant fear that your baby isn’t breathing! That’s a fun past time!!

9: disease control – sending your child off to actually catch horrible diseases like chicken pox, measles and mumps…what kind of evil person are you??? – wanting them to be sick!!!

10: fear – knowing something is awfuly fucking wrong when complete silence reigns in the house. The sense of blood curling fear that your children a making a sandbox on the kitchen floor of all sugary and powdery substances in the cupboards that you did not secure as per point 3!!

My husband…the genius…

well…I wasn’t going to call him nasty in the title…but he pretty much laid it out for me tonight and told me to essentially stop being a wanker 🙂

He said some very honest honest things which he thought would hurt my feelings and really they didn’t..but don’t let me lose the pretend high ground ok?  I have nothing else to hold onto after tonight.

It is a very long drive from the inner CBD to our place so it allows a lot of time for discussion, especially in traffic.

The long version is this:

I am afraid I will fail….it doesn’t matter what I want to do, my immediate feeling is I will fail.  I cannot succeed so why bother trying in the first place – it is easier to run myself down and not invest the emotions, money, time etc to any project.  So I have, as most of you would know, start degrees in topics that are completely NOT me simply because – by default – how badly can you fail at something like marketing??  Pretty well – i found out with my first assignment.

I am not someone who wants to spend 4 years writing essays about others people’s ideas or reference their experiences…seems rather dull to me…I don’t want to be marked on what I can prove or disprove in an essay – that shows nothing about my skills as a person or my skills on a computer or with anything else.

So, i have narrowed down my “passions” to a couple of things…photography, baking (pasty/desert chef), an apprenticeship in something along the lines of horticulture/landscaping or acting- something hands on and immediate results are obvious.

Hubby basically said that to do short courses are cheap enough that you could do some, see what the results are and determine if you are still interested after that.  So I have looked into photography to start with and found a 5 week course for $395…nothing fancy but it will give me a great few weeks learning and improving to decide if I have any talent or ability behind a camera.  I am currently throwing around some ideas in my head already for potential coffee table books or clients…but of course….I have to work on that….if you have any feedback about my photography shots now would be the time…they can mostly be found here.

NIDA also has some short courses for acting – expensive ish – but it is NIDA so I am willing to pay the money….Acting was never something I ever really spoke about as a dream because I am so horrible publicly talking/singing etc in front of crowds or people (without large quantitates of alcohol).  But it was always burning in the background.

I am also going to look into dancing as that was always a dream – ask hubby about my dancing movie collection – but I think I am too old…like footballers you get to 25 and they want someone younger…but I am going to find out anyway, and yes…I know I am not exactly the body shape right now…

If I stick to the plan, perhaps by the end of this year I will have done some short courses in all things I really want to do and can decide on a future path for me to take.

Yes this is like the 15 millionth time I have talked about it, but the first time I have ever really done anything about it….I have fixed so many areas of my life this is the one holding me back from really just being completely content.

The short version to sum up:

Hubby says I am an idiot for not believing in myself more, and he has all the faith I need that I can succeed at anything I put my mind to.  So I have to try out things and see what fits….then I can at least make an educated decision about what I enjoy and what I will succeed in.