Running on empty

I know it has been months since I have written on this blog, the basic reason for that revolves around me not having anything positive to say about things going on in my life.  There have been positives – don’t get me wrong – but I don’t want to post about them publicly and they are not doing anything to outweigh the immensely crushing weight of not being able to get a job.

Over the last 18 months I have applied for, on average 8 jobs a week, which is almost 600 jobs in total.  To date I have had no interviews at employers at all and less than a handful (still) of agency interviews that always end the same way.

Yes I have written about it before, yes I have had my resume changed over 4 times now – each person telling me it needs to be different – none of them have had any better reaction.

I am in tears every night at my current job because of so many reasons, that I can’t really write about concisely. Suffice it to say I have never felt as completely incapable as I have in the last 12 months of this position.  In the last 3 months I have spent most of my day doing absolutely nothing because my boss will not relinquish control of every detail to anyone.

I have not managed to get any uni completed because of time travelled to my current role and I am completely incapable of being employed anywhere.

I am constantly thinking about death and wanting to die.  No, I am not suicidal – I am too chicken shit, however should a bus hit me and kill me instantly, I would not be upset about it.  I am not going to run off and take a hundred pills or anything like that.  I hate the thought of people staring at me in a hospital bed all upset because I tried and failed to do it properly, therefore making them upset.  If there was a guaranteed method, I would not have to deal with that guilt and shame I would so be on that bandwagon.

What annoys me – the reason I feel like the above is because I cannot get another job.  I can’t get interviews. I have no friends who can put me forward for positions.  I am looking at jobs in every state and even NZ.  I can’t even get call backs about call centre jobs in Perth.  I will move wherever I need to if it is a good work environment and I can actually just help contribute to the financial side of the household again.

I am not upset about any other aspect of my life, I love my life, we only have a mortgage as our debt, the credit card is paid off and clear, we aren’t behind on any bills etc, I have a fantastic husband who is my pillar and constantly tries to reassure me I am worth more than I realise, but the truth remains that I am completely unemployable.

Recruitment agencies make it completely impossible to know what the best way to do things is, if you show drive, they don’t like you, if you don’t show any, they don’t like you, if you are fat, short, curly haired, long distance, blah blah blah, it is nigh on impossible to get through to anything.

I want to die so I don’t have to constantly deal with being made to feel inadequate, dumb, unskilled, stupid and worthless.  I want to be able to just disappear and not have to hold back my tears all the time, I want to yell at recruiters, I want to get angry and I want to smash people’s faces in.  I want out.  I want out of this cycle of getting hopeful about a position and then being told I wasn’t even close. I want it to end. I want to just close my eyes and never have to deal with it again. I want to be put out of my misery because I don’t have the balls to do it myself.

I had dreams.  I don’t anymore.   I have nothing left in me to care.  Hubby says I can quit and we will make it work.  I know he is trying to help, but I don’t want to put anymore strain on our relationship because we can barely afford to pay all of our bills now.  I am completely useless and the sooner I come to grips with that the better off I will be.

Today I will walk down our local town area and see if anyone needs a kitchen hand – maybe I can get employed as a dishwasher. Although I highly doubt I will even manage to get a job doing that – it may be just a fraction harder than I can cope with.  Maybe tomorrow I will get runover by a truck or something and this will be the end.

That is the only dream I have left now, every night, I dream I die and I want to cry when I wake up because it didn’t happen.

I should go to bed, but how can I crawl in beside the most wonderful man, when I am such a failure every day?  I think this may be the last post I make on any of my blogs, I have nothing left to offer anyone and so I am removing myself from the equation.

 

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