well…I wasn’t going to call him nasty in the title…but he pretty much laid it out for me tonight and told me to essentially stop being a wanker 🙂
He said some very honest honest things which he thought would hurt my feelings and really they didn’t..but don’t let me lose the pretend high ground ok? I have nothing else to hold onto after tonight.
It is a very long drive from the inner CBD to our place so it allows a lot of time for discussion, especially in traffic.
The long version is this:
I am afraid I will fail….it doesn’t matter what I want to do, my immediate feeling is I will fail. I cannot succeed so why bother trying in the first place – it is easier to run myself down and not invest the emotions, money, time etc to any project. So I have, as most of you would know, start degrees in topics that are completely NOT me simply because – by default – how badly can you fail at something like marketing?? Pretty well – i found out with my first assignment.
I am not someone who wants to spend 4 years writing essays about others people’s ideas or reference their experiences…seems rather dull to me…I don’t want to be marked on what I can prove or disprove in an essay – that shows nothing about my skills as a person or my skills on a computer or with anything else.
So, i have narrowed down my “passions” to a couple of things…photography, baking (pasty/desert chef), an apprenticeship in something along the lines of horticulture/landscaping or acting- something hands on and immediate results are obvious.
Hubby basically said that to do short courses are cheap enough that you could do some, see what the results are and determine if you are still interested after that. So I have looked into photography to start with and found a 5 week course for $395…nothing fancy but it will give me a great few weeks learning and improving to decide if I have any talent or ability behind a camera. I am currently throwing around some ideas in my head already for potential coffee table books or clients…but of course….I have to work on that….if you have any feedback about my photography shots now would be the time…they can mostly be found here.
NIDA also has some short courses for acting – expensive ish – but it is NIDA so I am willing to pay the money….Acting was never something I ever really spoke about as a dream because I am so horrible publicly talking/singing etc in front of crowds or people (without large quantitates of alcohol). But it was always burning in the background.
I am also going to look into dancing as that was always a dream – ask hubby about my dancing movie collection – but I think I am too old…like footballers you get to 25 and they want someone younger…but I am going to find out anyway, and yes…I know I am not exactly the body shape right now…
If I stick to the plan, perhaps by the end of this year I will have done some short courses in all things I really want to do and can decide on a future path for me to take.
Yes this is like the 15 millionth time I have talked about it, but the first time I have ever really done anything about it….I have fixed so many areas of my life this is the one holding me back from really just being completely content.
The short version to sum up:
Hubby says I am an idiot for not believing in myself more, and he has all the faith I need that I can succeed at anything I put my mind to. So I have to try out things and see what fits….then I can at least make an educated decision about what I enjoy and what I will succeed in.