Questions about myself

I had a very long and emotional (?) chat with my best friend the other night and it was bringing up so many questions about sadness and depression and how to tell the two apart.

My friend let’s call them Z, has been on anti depressants for a little while now and has found them to be completely life changing.   No longer with bad thoughts and negative self doubt all the time.  Z was suggesting I should try them because of my PTSD it maybe will help with all the extra baggage emotionally, that I carry around.

This led me to thinking about what I am actually feeling, of course quite appropriate the next day I was reading about the Jill sentence being handed down.

I don’t particularly want to see another shrink, whilst I was working well with the one I had back in 2007, I don’t want to open up old wounds and starting with a new shrink will do that.  They will want to talk about everything again and I simply do not want to start therapy all over again.

The question I have been trying to answer since the conversation with my friend is am I really fucked up or am I just sad about the few major things in my life that are preventing me from making any progress.

That makes no sense when I read it back to myself.  But for example, I have been job hunting for almost 6 years with absolutely no luck.  The last 3 years at my previous employer I had multiple interviews for roles and I never ever got them and now i have spent almost another 3 years looking for work and have managed to have one interview in that time.

Admittedly I would take a break for a couple of months after about 6 months, but overall, I have been rejected and ignored over 1400 times.  Rough approximation of applying for 5 jobs a week on average.  Over that amount of time it drains you emotionally, that you invest hours writing resumes, preparing for interviews that never happen getting your hopes up on the phone with recruiters only to be told there is no job in the end.

I feel worthless because of the job hunting – does that make me depressed?  My worthlessness translates into other areas of my life, I feel I can’t succeed at anything, that I am crap or not intelligent enough to learn or get better.  This then makes me angry and negative about myself, which then translates into explosive anger and then sudden overwhelming remorse that I got angry at someone/something in place of myself.

I am happy I have a job, which I fell into, and it isn’t likely my parents will fire me randomly but I didn’t earn the job. I took it on to help them, it isn’t my job to keep.  I am unwanted there because it is not my business.

The job hunt leads onto other things like not earning as much money now as I used to, which means we are much more strict on what we spend and we have to save up money for months to do anything or buy necessities, this makes me feel bad about my lack of ability in finding a job.  Does this make me depressed or just sad?

All of that above sadness then translates into self hate and how it would be much easier for all involved if I wasn’t alive or around causing issues and stress like arguments and negative vibes and black clouds of doom and destruction.  Is that depression or just someone unable to claw their way out of a pit of despair?

I am unhappy with my weight now, and although easier to stay fat for PTSD reasons, I don’t want to be unhealthy anymore.  I am not a person in the fat loving movement, sorry, I am unhealthy – I don’t want to be overweight. I lack the focus and motivation to lose the weight because I keep having surgery on various things and I want chocolate to combat the general discontent I feel with the above issues.  Does this make me depressed??

I don’t understand the word and its meaning.  I don’t want to be on antidepressants because I genuinely don’t feel I am “clinically depressed”.  I am sad, very sad, and self hating a lot of the time, but does that translate into depression? It has been nearly 16 years since the rape and I think a lot of feelings of worthlessness are still tied into my emotions now, I get triggered to go back to that headspace, I need to spend more time focusing on controlling my self talk like i was taught.

Sorry just my ramblings about it. I don’t have an answer, I don’t believe I am depressed, as I said to Z last night, I will probably feel over the moon when I actually get a job offer, simply because it means someone has seen something in me that is worthwhile, but if I am being honest it will depend on the job – if it is a job I consider below me I will be upset that I wasn’t good enough for one of the more challenging roles. However,  an employer met me and thought I was good enough, so that should be good enough. I can’t see the future, but I know how I feel inside and I feel that all of this stems from 6 years of job hunting.

I hope I am right.

Climbing emotional mount everest

I am slowly climbing back up the depressive period, I found my grapple hook and snow shoes.

Nothing has changed except I have just decided to take it easy, there is something I am obviously supposed to be doing/seeing/experiencing whilst working where I am and until that comes to conclusion I will be unsuccessful in any venture I attempt.

I have been in this situation before and I think I may have brought it upon myself in some ways….

I am hoping I still have my anger issues under control but I don’t really know – I must ask hubby about it.

time

it’s been a couple of hours since my last post, and I am sinking even further, I am trying to keep my spirits buoyed, but I am fighting a losing battle.

I will be sending my resume through to maccas and KFC soon the rate things are going – something i said I would never ever do…..

I am not entirely sure I should drive myself home today, as I am not thinking clearly, so I am glad I am not coming to work tomorrow.

There is nothing I can say to myself to feel better, all my self talk is completely negative and anything positive I think of is being immediately shot down with negative things that seem to make more sense.

I can’t fight anymore, and I have no more strength…not today….the last few months I have felt myself getting more and more depressed about this whole job situation and I think the phone call this morning was the camel’s back snapping…especially when I have been trying to put a good facade on the situation to ensure people don’t worry about me and my feelings….but the energy I was using to maintain that has run out…

GAH

Life getting you down?

I am really feeling down today. I just can’t seem to get interested in anything.  I feel that i want to cry and curl into a ball sobbing…perhaps the bottle of wine I have in the fridge will be consumed tonight to help alleviate the emptiness.

I know why i feel like this, because I can’t seem to find a job to save my soul.  In all honesty the last 4 interviews I have been four I have been told there is no feedback they can give me, that I am supberb and fabulous.  However there has been a stronger candidate and they wished they had two positions so I could have one of them.

I am just depressed that I seem to be soooo good, yet not good enough.  They can offer no feedback or improvements and this leads me to think one paranoid thing….do people not want to hire fat people?  In a world with current obesity problems are we still under the impression that fat people = lazy people?

The reason I have come to this conclusion is this – being fat and therefore not in a suit and dressed appropriately is, in my mind, the ONLY thing they can NOT offer feedback on as it would be discriminating.  If my resume was not as impressive, or my experience not as good – wouldn’t they say that as feedback – wouldn’t they give examples of HOW my knowledge/skills/experience was not appropriate??  They can’t turn around and say “Well you are fat and so we don’t want you!” can they?

Seriously I wouldn’t be feeling this way if they could actually provide me feedback on what I can improve or what skills I can develop – but NOTHING!!!  Asking direct questions give me NOTHING!!!

I am trying to lose weight, but being as large as I am takes time, having PCOS does not help that and having unhealed wounds also doesn’t help.  I am sick to death of this….We have managed to cut our portion sizes down dramatically and I am drinking more water and having breakfast (most days).  Aside from this week being down with the flu, we have started some exercise again and I really hope this helps, but I am not likely to be losing enough weight for months for it to be making a difference to my appearance or ability to buy clothes and suits.

I am depressed today, I am sooo depressed. I want to cry and I want to scream and I want to wring people’s necks until their eyes pop out of their heads and they bleed internally!!  OK so maybe not that last part….maybe….

2nd Day

So second day on lite n easy and I can’t eat my lunch…I probably shoudl have checked with them how much of the meals would be inclusive of black pepper and capsicum.  Consdiering I am allergic and unable to consume those products without being in agony, this has not been good.

My lunch today was a BBQ chicken pizza, which was a better option – so i thought – that some other thing.  Please find picture attached

Now, I don’t consider myself a fussy eater.  So I don’t like Pate or chutney but basically as long as it smells and looks nice I will eat it…

The above does not look appealing, aside from all the red on their being smashed up capsicum I can’t even pick it off and even if I did the entire pizza would smell of capsicum and taste like it anyway.

The thing that distubs me the most…..WHO THE FUCK PUTS CORN ON THEIR PIZZA???????????????????????

SO I went and bought a salad for 5 bucks instead….my snack for this afternoon is roasted chick peas….another thing I am not overly keen on, but it was a better option…but i am not likely to eat them either….Chick peas need to be IN things to taste better than cardboard and even then they still taste like cardboard…

Anyway have been told by the poeple at work I am far too fussy as they are all saying the food is fine…

*blink  blink*

*speechless*

I need to cook them dinner every night for a week and then they can come and tell me it tastes ok….

They also don’t believe me that i serve smaller meals at home than what we are getting served…seriously the prejuidce that fat people east alot is pissing me off a little at the moment….I am sure there are fat people that eat more and hence their fat, but hubby and I are just lazy….if we did more execrise we would have no problems…

I am so depressed right now….

day 3 without hubby

Co-dependant, yup…I am…I can admit it 😀

I have tried to do some cleaning tonight, but well, I kind of failed…sort of…I did nowhere near as much as I had hoped, however I did do the shopping for the fortnight and came in under budget so far.

I am meeting up with a good friend tomorrow evening at about 5.30, so depending on how long we hang out I may be home in time to do the mopping/vacuuming as planned.  Even if I am not I may just have to bite the bullet and do it…

Friday night I have my good friends coming over for dinner/drinkies, hence why i want to have mostly everything cleaned, and yes I could be cleaning instead of updating my blog but surely I can have a few minutes rest before I do the dishes and start Mr sheening quickly before bed?

Today at work I realised that some people are just incapable of coming up with realistic methods of handling problems…creating groups within a team to allocate work and function as mini teams is not what I would consider a good move especially considering there are people already employed with that as part of their job description AND who get paid 10k more to do said job….meh whatever…33 days to go….that’s all I need to keep thinking 😀

I am feeling a little depressed tonight to be really honest, I do tend to do that when left to my own devices for a couple of days…I guess I don’t have enough things to distract me from it….

I have done no exercise at all this week, I have just been too tired….

speaking of tired, I may head to bed soon.  Am guessing hubby is still with friends otherwise I would have heard from him. I am driving into the city tomorrow as well so I might have a slight sleep in and leave here at 6.15am, which means I should – in theory – get to work by 7.15am barring traffic issues, I will wait up until 11 though just in case 😀