Questions about myself

I had a very long and emotional (?) chat with my best friend the other night and it was bringing up so many questions about sadness and depression and how to tell the two apart.

My friend let’s call them Z, has been on anti depressants for a little while now and has found them to be completely life changing.   No longer with bad thoughts and negative self doubt all the time.  Z was suggesting I should try them because of my PTSD it maybe will help with all the extra baggage emotionally, that I carry around.

This led me to thinking about what I am actually feeling, of course quite appropriate the next day I was reading about the Jill sentence being handed down.

I don’t particularly want to see another shrink, whilst I was working well with the one I had back in 2007, I don’t want to open up old wounds and starting with a new shrink will do that.  They will want to talk about everything again and I simply do not want to start therapy all over again.

The question I have been trying to answer since the conversation with my friend is am I really fucked up or am I just sad about the few major things in my life that are preventing me from making any progress.

That makes no sense when I read it back to myself.  But for example, I have been job hunting for almost 6 years with absolutely no luck.  The last 3 years at my previous employer I had multiple interviews for roles and I never ever got them and now i have spent almost another 3 years looking for work and have managed to have one interview in that time.

Admittedly I would take a break for a couple of months after about 6 months, but overall, I have been rejected and ignored over 1400 times.  Rough approximation of applying for 5 jobs a week on average.  Over that amount of time it drains you emotionally, that you invest hours writing resumes, preparing for interviews that never happen getting your hopes up on the phone with recruiters only to be told there is no job in the end.

I feel worthless because of the job hunting – does that make me depressed?  My worthlessness translates into other areas of my life, I feel I can’t succeed at anything, that I am crap or not intelligent enough to learn or get better.  This then makes me angry and negative about myself, which then translates into explosive anger and then sudden overwhelming remorse that I got angry at someone/something in place of myself.

I am happy I have a job, which I fell into, and it isn’t likely my parents will fire me randomly but I didn’t earn the job. I took it on to help them, it isn’t my job to keep.  I am unwanted there because it is not my business.

The job hunt leads onto other things like not earning as much money now as I used to, which means we are much more strict on what we spend and we have to save up money for months to do anything or buy necessities, this makes me feel bad about my lack of ability in finding a job.  Does this make me depressed or just sad?

All of that above sadness then translates into self hate and how it would be much easier for all involved if I wasn’t alive or around causing issues and stress like arguments and negative vibes and black clouds of doom and destruction.  Is that depression or just someone unable to claw their way out of a pit of despair?

I am unhappy with my weight now, and although easier to stay fat for PTSD reasons, I don’t want to be unhealthy anymore.  I am not a person in the fat loving movement, sorry, I am unhealthy – I don’t want to be overweight. I lack the focus and motivation to lose the weight because I keep having surgery on various things and I want chocolate to combat the general discontent I feel with the above issues.  Does this make me depressed??

I don’t understand the word and its meaning.  I don’t want to be on antidepressants because I genuinely don’t feel I am “clinically depressed”.  I am sad, very sad, and self hating a lot of the time, but does that translate into depression? It has been nearly 16 years since the rape and I think a lot of feelings of worthlessness are still tied into my emotions now, I get triggered to go back to that headspace, I need to spend more time focusing on controlling my self talk like i was taught.

Sorry just my ramblings about it. I don’t have an answer, I don’t believe I am depressed, as I said to Z last night, I will probably feel over the moon when I actually get a job offer, simply because it means someone has seen something in me that is worthwhile, but if I am being honest it will depend on the job – if it is a job I consider below me I will be upset that I wasn’t good enough for one of the more challenging roles. However,  an employer met me and thought I was good enough, so that should be good enough. I can’t see the future, but I know how I feel inside and I feel that all of this stems from 6 years of job hunting.

I hope I am right.

does this really change anything?

I was out on the weekend at my dad’s place having a great night, drinking, laughing, talking etc. Was nice to catch up with him again. Will be making a concerted effort to be there more often.

Anyway during the course of the night, the conversation went to a place that I am not sure I have fully recovered from.

My Dad, advised me that the reason my parents got divorced was because my mother was having an affair with her then to be second husband.

On the surface this may seem nothing major or even all that interesting, but my brain just won’t stop mulling over all the differences and changes this now makes to how i perceive both of my parents.

I will write more later, right now I am still too confused and unsure of what i know and don’t know.

Lost Song

 I heard a song on the radio whilst in wodonga, and I have been unable to locate it. It was a love song I guess, about standing at the edge of a tunnel and how good it was or something…the radio didn’t say who sang it, but it was a male voice, and I have had no luck in locating the song!!!

ARGGHH!!!!

Questions about everything

I have lost a wek somewhere and I am no sure where, however i looked at the calender and realised that my lovely minxee was now turning older and having her nudie shoot 🙂 (Just read the post about that and REOW!!! I wanna see pics!! well the ones where you are covered please!! hehe )

I wish I was in Sydney so much when my friends have birthdays and I cna’t just drop round, catch up and give them a hug 🙂 So in typical belated mellie style…have a hug and a kiss on me Minxee…I love you sweety!

On the note of minxee her enthusiam for kick boxing has made me want that as well, so I am looking into belly dancing again, seriously, I want to find place as I know I will have the sense of enthusiam she has.

Onto enthusiasm, I have found a religious path that seems to pull at me, i feel such a connection with that, that I can’t stop thinking about it and so much that I am wanting to change my entire lifestyle to suit it. I have been reading about Druidry and confess I always thought it was a bit…vague…hrmm not the right word….but anyway, after reading some information and forums etc, I am having to admit that I am completely drawn in. So many things in the information are what I do now without thinking, that I feel it is a path I was destined to find….how cliqued!!! LOL

Which then leads onto the urge to sell up our home and make a new one on a couple of acres outside of melbourne. We have discussed doing it before, but with the above pulling on me and D being really supportive and wanting to move out as well, we seem to feel the time is now. I even went so far as to contact a real estate agent and he has advised properties in our neighbouring streets have been selling for almost 550k for a smaller block to developers. So considering our block is much larger potentially we could get more. I have to admit the money sounds nice, but the idea that we would be able to sell fairly easily to a developer is what is more appealing. He is coming around on Monday to have a look at our property and tell us what he thinks.

I have to tell you not, if we got that, or more, for our place, we would be basically be set up for the future and that would be put me in a great frame of mind, as we woudl not be struglgling financially, emotionally we would be not worried about money and letting that interfere with our relationship, we would feel more relaxed about our home life and happier not being in the city being bombarded with so much psychic energies etc. I would be able to have a vegetable patch, and a garden, I would be able to have a grove that is planted by me, D and I, or one at a time could go to Uni and get some sort of qualification, I could potentialy have a baby etc….All if we decide to sell and get a decent price for the place….it is very tempting 😀