Questions about myself

I had a very long and emotional (?) chat with my best friend the other night and it was bringing up so many questions about sadness and depression and how to tell the two apart.

My friend let’s call them Z, has been on anti depressants for a little while now and has found them to be completely life changing.   No longer with bad thoughts and negative self doubt all the time.  Z was suggesting I should try them because of my PTSD it maybe will help with all the extra baggage emotionally, that I carry around.

This led me to thinking about what I am actually feeling, of course quite appropriate the next day I was reading about the Jill sentence being handed down.

I don’t particularly want to see another shrink, whilst I was working well with the one I had back in 2007, I don’t want to open up old wounds and starting with a new shrink will do that.  They will want to talk about everything again and I simply do not want to start therapy all over again.

The question I have been trying to answer since the conversation with my friend is am I really fucked up or am I just sad about the few major things in my life that are preventing me from making any progress.

That makes no sense when I read it back to myself.  But for example, I have been job hunting for almost 6 years with absolutely no luck.  The last 3 years at my previous employer I had multiple interviews for roles and I never ever got them and now i have spent almost another 3 years looking for work and have managed to have one interview in that time.

Admittedly I would take a break for a couple of months after about 6 months, but overall, I have been rejected and ignored over 1400 times.  Rough approximation of applying for 5 jobs a week on average.  Over that amount of time it drains you emotionally, that you invest hours writing resumes, preparing for interviews that never happen getting your hopes up on the phone with recruiters only to be told there is no job in the end.

I feel worthless because of the job hunting – does that make me depressed?  My worthlessness translates into other areas of my life, I feel I can’t succeed at anything, that I am crap or not intelligent enough to learn or get better.  This then makes me angry and negative about myself, which then translates into explosive anger and then sudden overwhelming remorse that I got angry at someone/something in place of myself.

I am happy I have a job, which I fell into, and it isn’t likely my parents will fire me randomly but I didn’t earn the job. I took it on to help them, it isn’t my job to keep.  I am unwanted there because it is not my business.

The job hunt leads onto other things like not earning as much money now as I used to, which means we are much more strict on what we spend and we have to save up money for months to do anything or buy necessities, this makes me feel bad about my lack of ability in finding a job.  Does this make me depressed or just sad?

All of that above sadness then translates into self hate and how it would be much easier for all involved if I wasn’t alive or around causing issues and stress like arguments and negative vibes and black clouds of doom and destruction.  Is that depression or just someone unable to claw their way out of a pit of despair?

I am unhappy with my weight now, and although easier to stay fat for PTSD reasons, I don’t want to be unhealthy anymore.  I am not a person in the fat loving movement, sorry, I am unhealthy – I don’t want to be overweight. I lack the focus and motivation to lose the weight because I keep having surgery on various things and I want chocolate to combat the general discontent I feel with the above issues.  Does this make me depressed??

I don’t understand the word and its meaning.  I don’t want to be on antidepressants because I genuinely don’t feel I am “clinically depressed”.  I am sad, very sad, and self hating a lot of the time, but does that translate into depression? It has been nearly 16 years since the rape and I think a lot of feelings of worthlessness are still tied into my emotions now, I get triggered to go back to that headspace, I need to spend more time focusing on controlling my self talk like i was taught.

Sorry just my ramblings about it. I don’t have an answer, I don’t believe I am depressed, as I said to Z last night, I will probably feel over the moon when I actually get a job offer, simply because it means someone has seen something in me that is worthwhile, but if I am being honest it will depend on the job – if it is a job I consider below me I will be upset that I wasn’t good enough for one of the more challenging roles. However,  an employer met me and thought I was good enough, so that should be good enough. I can’t see the future, but I know how I feel inside and I feel that all of this stems from 6 years of job hunting.

I hope I am right.

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So bad, so very very bad day…

Having a shocking day, am so glad it is nearly over because I am not

I just want to go home.

A supplier came to work and I asked him how all the manual labour was treating him and he said he was sweating like a rapist…..

WTF?!?!!?

Who the fuck says that?????

So I was then immediately tense and hateful of him. I was scared out of my mind and it just set my therapy back a year…..

Edited the draft I started yesterday to add the following:

This morning (saturday) I had a terrible nightmare about it, and was screaming in my sleep, hubby was basically shaking me to wake me up and when I opened my eyes I could barely see for the tears.  I am not feeling well, mentally, right now.  I am scared and anxious….I am can fell the fear sitting in the back ground and I feel like vomiting.

We are supposed to be heading to footscray now to see if we can find some fresh fish and I honestly am  not sure if I can leave the house…..I am freaking out.

I am wondering if i should tell dad I don’t want to work there anymore, but I really need the job since our plans to refinance have fallen through….but this guy wont be around for 2 weeks now, so perhaps I will be ok by then…..

I will just see how it goes and try and calm down by then

so

So my last update was apparently 83 weeks ago, and I just read my last post in August 07…..

I can’t believe it was that long since my world went to shit.

As per my last post, I was raped and the history of that decided to come and fuck with my head for almost 2 years.

My psychologist – let’s call her Emma, advises my responses were all normal reactions and it was not uncommon for women to block this kind of thing out for upwards of even 30 or 40 years. I am glad mine was not that long in the blocking.

Anyway, I am now back at work, still freaked out about leaving the house occasionally and sometimes, just sometimes like today, I feel depressed, alone and very sad that my life can make me feel so alone.

I am not one of those people that surrounds herself with friends and then still feels lonely…I just am lonely – I really feel the need at the moment to talk about things and well since this is a blog this is where it will be for a few months. Since I don’t really feel i have friends that will support me without this turning into something about them….that sounds more harsh than I intended….I don’t mind them talking about themselves or me listening and helping them and sympathizing with them…but where is that in return?

long time no see

Hey everyone, i have been reading ur posts and keeping updated, i justhavent had much time to respond or post myself, so i thought i would take the time and fill you all in on mylife so far!! (minxee – stealing ur layout for this one 🙂 hehehe)

Movies

Have seen so many recently, and they have all been excellent 😀  Cant think if anymore but i know there is 🙂
Harry Potter – was slightly disappointed with the movie as they left so much out, but meh was still Harry
Tranformers – OMFG – the best movie EVER created
Simpsons – Meh, kinf of like watching an episode on TV, but was funny
Shrek – pissed myself laughing the whole way through it – thought it was the best
Pirates – mmm thought it was good, and who wouldnt when youc an perv at Orlando for most of it 🙂

Witchy
Been chugging along, spending time with the coven, sabbats have been mind blowing experiences and the full moons have been great fun. Too much of my time has been taken up with organising the wiccan conference (although I have been slack with that as well).

Life
Has sucked beyond compare!!  I have been on leave from work for 3 weeks due to a mid life crisis, post traumatic stress and severe depression and slight agorophobia, all brought on by my 28th birthday and “Saturn Return” bringing issues to the surface that i had never faced and now must be reoslved. I know i sound like a mental case, and perhaps I am, but I am preferring to think of it as a transition phase in my life.  I do feel like crap and i don’t really see the light at the end of the tunnel, but I am sure it will come. I have been through worse.  I am currently trying to organise to work from home, might help me get back into the swing of things.  But not sure how that is going to pan out yet, still waiting to hear from the boss.

Truth
I was raped. A long time ago and i blocked it out, I never admitted to myself it happened and therefore it didn’t happen. I have to admit it happened now, and talk about it, but I still don’t feel i can.  Hence my hope that if i say it on here for the world to see, then I will know I have made a step towards integrating it into my life.  The issue is now dealing with the after effects, the lack of emotional attachment to anyone or anything, the need for solitude, the want of a support network, etc etcetc.

There I said it.  OMG

*having a slight freak out*

World of Warcraft
Sill obsessed with WoW and a new expansion is coming out for it! WOOT! Level cap will now be 80 🙂  tis so awesome!!  still playing most nights, it gives my mind a chance to chill out and not think about anything 🙂  Have moved my main to Dath, playig with more aussies makes it a little easier to get groups in my prime time 🙂

Anyway thanks for listening to my rant 🙂

Chat to you all soon