I have been drowning in the negatives lately and I really feel I just need to vent and let it out. As blogging has always been an outlet for me here goes.
My step-mum is having another nervous breakdown and has left the business is a right mess again – 2 years after the first one. Yes in Jan I will have been here 2 years….god help me!!
This time is much worse however and in the last 4 weeks I have been paid once. We just cannot get the bank account into the black enough to actually pay wages…to me, or my dad or the painter.
This has made me hate my life, my karma – whatever it is. I don’t mean hate in its very lax use of the word these days, I mean it. I hate it. I want to die. I want to never wake up again. I am contemplating the amount of drugs I could take to just knock myself unconscious and then just drift off.
I hate that I can’t get another job, I hate that I did my RSA/RCG to actually find barwork and have discovered I still need to get an actual license for my RCG so it has not helped and there is not much point applying for jobs that require RCG because I can’t afford to actually get the license at the moment because I am not getting paid.
I am attempting to pay myself, but when the money goes out faster than it comes in, I am in between a rock and a hard place. Thank fuck we had a little bit of money saved, but this is the last week I have for that. The rest of our money is in a term deposit, and we have maxxed the credit card as well, so I am trying to pay that down a little.
I am annoyed that for whatever reason, I seem unable to get out of this job. The only requirement I have for a new job is that is the salary – which trust me, I am not even looking for all that much.
I hate myself, I hate my current situation, I hate that I have to travel for over 3 hours per day, I hate that I can’t even really get a bar job locally because I can’t really start until 7pm and that would mean I don’t actually have time for dinner until after that shift finishes. How would I work until 11/12pm, when I have to be up at 5/5.30 to leave for work the next morning.
I hate that after thousands of job applications, I still have had no interviews, and I still haven’t finished a degree. I hate that I can’t afford to go to “school”, I hate that I have no direction and I hate myself more for fucking up my first few modules originally which means I can’t get into uni now anyway.
I hate myself so completely. I should not be alive. I should not be wasting space and adding to an already over-populated world. I have nothing to offer – I am not funny, I am not nice, I have a bad temper, I am completely intolerant of people who do not meet my standards (including myself), I am completely pointless.
How do you even go on when you hate yourself?