Running on empty

I know it has been months since I have written on this blog, the basic reason for that revolves around me not having anything positive to say about things going on in my life.  There have been positives – don’t get me wrong – but I don’t want to post about them publicly and they are not doing anything to outweigh the immensely crushing weight of not being able to get a job.

Over the last 18 months I have applied for, on average 8 jobs a week, which is almost 600 jobs in total.  To date I have had no interviews at employers at all and less than a handful (still) of agency interviews that always end the same way.

Yes I have written about it before, yes I have had my resume changed over 4 times now – each person telling me it needs to be different – none of them have had any better reaction.

I am in tears every night at my current job because of so many reasons, that I can’t really write about concisely. Suffice it to say I have never felt as completely incapable as I have in the last 12 months of this position.  In the last 3 months I have spent most of my day doing absolutely nothing because my boss will not relinquish control of every detail to anyone.

I have not managed to get any uni completed because of time travelled to my current role and I am completely incapable of being employed anywhere.

I am constantly thinking about death and wanting to die.  No, I am not suicidal – I am too chicken shit, however should a bus hit me and kill me instantly, I would not be upset about it.  I am not going to run off and take a hundred pills or anything like that.  I hate the thought of people staring at me in a hospital bed all upset because I tried and failed to do it properly, therefore making them upset.  If there was a guaranteed method, I would not have to deal with that guilt and shame I would so be on that bandwagon.

What annoys me – the reason I feel like the above is because I cannot get another job.  I can’t get interviews. I have no friends who can put me forward for positions.  I am looking at jobs in every state and even NZ.  I can’t even get call backs about call centre jobs in Perth.  I will move wherever I need to if it is a good work environment and I can actually just help contribute to the financial side of the household again.

I am not upset about any other aspect of my life, I love my life, we only have a mortgage as our debt, the credit card is paid off and clear, we aren’t behind on any bills etc, I have a fantastic husband who is my pillar and constantly tries to reassure me I am worth more than I realise, but the truth remains that I am completely unemployable.

Recruitment agencies make it completely impossible to know what the best way to do things is, if you show drive, they don’t like you, if you don’t show any, they don’t like you, if you are fat, short, curly haired, long distance, blah blah blah, it is nigh on impossible to get through to anything.

I want to die so I don’t have to constantly deal with being made to feel inadequate, dumb, unskilled, stupid and worthless.  I want to be able to just disappear and not have to hold back my tears all the time, I want to yell at recruiters, I want to get angry and I want to smash people’s faces in.  I want out.  I want out of this cycle of getting hopeful about a position and then being told I wasn’t even close. I want it to end. I want to just close my eyes and never have to deal with it again. I want to be put out of my misery because I don’t have the balls to do it myself.

I had dreams.  I don’t anymore.   I have nothing left in me to care.  Hubby says I can quit and we will make it work.  I know he is trying to help, but I don’t want to put anymore strain on our relationship because we can barely afford to pay all of our bills now.  I am completely useless and the sooner I come to grips with that the better off I will be.

Today I will walk down our local town area and see if anyone needs a kitchen hand – maybe I can get employed as a dishwasher. Although I highly doubt I will even manage to get a job doing that – it may be just a fraction harder than I can cope with.  Maybe tomorrow I will get runover by a truck or something and this will be the end.

That is the only dream I have left now, every night, I dream I die and I want to cry when I wake up because it didn’t happen.

I should go to bed, but how can I crawl in beside the most wonderful man, when I am such a failure every day?  I think this may be the last post I make on any of my blogs, I have nothing left to offer anyone and so I am removing myself from the equation.

 

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Busy beavers

I have not written much here, as to be honest I have so much going on I just can’t find the time to care about writing posts for this blog.

I have my weightloss blog getting updated daily and my gaming blog getting updated semi-regularly, between those two things, I really have no other aspects of my life worth writing about.

I haven’t started looking for work again yet, although will be starting this coming week. I am not comfortable writing about my religious practices.  I have no other hobbies as I believe I suck at everything.  I was enjoying my photography – but then what’s the point when everyone can get out there with a camera and do their own thing. I would be keen to start dancing or singing, but so far – none of the places I have emailed have bothered to respond to my queries.  Just kind of over it.  And to be honest I don’t want to just blog about the negative all the time – it gets dull and boring and not worth reading.

I am ok though, just chugging along and focused on losing weight really.

Just one more day

I have been in a very very bad place the last few weeks, in fact I have about 6 posts that I have in various stages of completion and most are either private or drafts.

I can’t seem to feel like baring my soul anymore as I really just don’t think my heart is in it anymore.

Actually my heart really isn’t in much anymore.

I was rejected for my uni application becuase I withdrew from 3 subjects which then got marked as fails.  Essentially I am not going to be accepted to uni now as mature age entry.  The last available avenue is to sit a STAT test and attempt entry that way – but as someone who fails most exams situations, I can’t see the point.

Suffice it to say, with my inability to get a new job, or come up with a business idea or get into Uni or lose weight, or clean up the junk rooms, or find motivation to do anything – I am feeling particularly like a failure.

I am sure this will pass and all the good in the world won’t help the fact that all I can think about at the moment, is what waste of space/time/effort/money I am. 

I am sure there are many lovely things about me, that other people see in me, but honestly – it’s all bullshit – words to keep you propped up – if the good things were true – I would be in a better place…..

Don’t get me wrong, I am not judging myself on other people’s ideas of success, but I am not even succeeding on my own terms. 

I am not sure on my posting shcedule – I am sure it will happen when it feels important enought to type about….but well you all know how to get hold of me if something urgent comes up….

Climbing emotional mount everest

I am slowly climbing back up the depressive period, I found my grapple hook and snow shoes.

Nothing has changed except I have just decided to take it easy, there is something I am obviously supposed to be doing/seeing/experiencing whilst working where I am and until that comes to conclusion I will be unsuccessful in any venture I attempt.

I have been in this situation before and I think I may have brought it upon myself in some ways….

I am hoping I still have my anger issues under control but I don’t really know – I must ask hubby about it.

Less than ordinary

I have been busy helping my dad at his shop, trying to clean up and make some sense of the system my step mum had…I am sure she had one…somehow…. 😀

It has been long days and getting home at about 7pm as the traffic getting home is horrendous, then by the time I make dinner and clean up it is 9 and I am basically collapsing into bed. I am exhausted all the time and the more tired I am getting the more irritable.

I am going to really focus on getting this PCOS under control this year. I am going to buy a multivitamin I think to help combat the general feelings of exhaustion, perhaps that will allow me the motivation to exercise, as I have dropped off the wagon this last 2 weeks and I lost like 6kgs -I want to keep going!!!!

I am also going to cheat and order some hydroxycut….it’s apparently awesome for pure weight loss…a friend of ours has used it whenever he needs to drop weight after being lazy….that will hopefully help as well….no idea 🙂

My mum has the mrt appeal this week, I am going along for moral support and will probably head to her place afterwards, we are hoping the give her a decision at the hearing rather than dragging it out….fingers crossed on that as it could be a very good or bad night….

I just want this to be over for her and John. I can’t cope being away from my hubby for a week, I can’t imagine being away for months….

Time for work, if the train ever turns up, melb train system is shit…..I missed a train because the machine wouldn’t take my fucking coins so I had to go all the way round to the other platform, then the next train has been delayed and delayed….I will never get to work!

just when you start climbing out

what a fucked night!! hubby and I had stupidly thought this would be the last fortnight with extra bills to be paid, weren’t we wrong!

we parked in a spot in the city and as I parked I was calls over to the parking inspector vehicle which was now behind us….turns out they were not parking inspectors, they were sherriffs! I have 2148 dollars of warrants outstanding under my married name and unless I could pay it they were going to clamp the car and hubby and I were going to have to catch the train home and have no way of getting From the station to our actual house….to say I was highly shocked and freaked out doesn’t really cover it.

after some discussion I managed to get them to put us on a payment plan but ONLY after we had paid half the bill. so hubby and I were stunned we actually don’t have anyone we CAN callin situations like that, so eventually hubby called his dad after I could not get hold of my mum and he paid 500, we then had to come up with another 500, so 4 days after pay day we are left with just over 230 and we need to buy our weekly tickets@ 69 a pop, and potentially food as I had not been grocery shopping yet.

so thanks to me not even knowing I had outstanding fines – I had thought I paid them all – these were parking fines for 08/09 as well, I was pretty close to calling a therapist as I was turning slightly suicidal.

those suicidal thoughts have eased off, hence why I am writing about it, but I just want it to stop. no matter how much I think we are getting on top of things it always fucks up!!!!