and then i wonder

Why do I bother?

Anyway, started off this week, quite good, was happy – PMTing like mental, but happy, you know how that is.

Hubby and I are looking at taking up karate – just looking at the moment, I am not entirely sure we can afford it, but we are going to do our best to see if we can. So there is a bit of a buzz in the house at the moment.

I have yet to enrol in the science course, i keep telling myself I will and then I chicken out before actually doing it.

We watched girl with the dragon tattoo and there was a very violent rape scene which I knew nothing about. Actually, there was a few other scenes in there which were along the same lines and had a very negative effect on me.  Suffice it to say I have been trying to get my head back into a better place since then as I have been plagued with old emotions.

I walked into work today and copped a serve first thing from my father and it has not stopped all morning.  I am sick and tired of being the fuck up because my step mother doesn’t leave notes on anything and I am supposed to just know what is going on with every single car.  It set me right off – i assume pmt is a huge factor – but the fact i I can’t get another job.  I am completely unemployable and I even suck at this.  My head is there and I am not going to be able to get it out for a few more days again now.

I have discovered what I think could be an awesome business idea…requires me to up my sewing skills and perhaps get someone in on the start up with me who can sew better than I can.  I am ok, not a master by any stretch, but I could certainly hold my own in some areas.  I wonder if my mother wants to be a millionaire just buy doing some sewing :p I will happily give her…hrmm…5% of the profits :p LOL

I am currently looking into getting a business started up, initially I can do it from home after normal work and weekends, then when the demand picks up I can just cut down my hours here and increase my hours sewing.   There are also some grants etc I can apply for  – sexist as they may be – i won’t say no to free money just because I am a woman..no matter how much like a prostitute it makes me feel 🙂

It is tinkering in the back of my mind and I will need to make some phone calls tomorrow on my day off and see what I need to do. I mean, my sewing machine is ok, but I will need an overlocker and an embroidery machine probably – for what i want to do, it will likely be needed.

I need to get a business name straight off so I can buy fabric wholesale though and start making stuff to advertise.  Be damned if I am going to pay full price for fabric :p

Anyway, there are positives – i just have to focus on those and tell my brain to remember that I am better than an admin assistant in a disorganised panel shop that I have absolutely no control over.

Getting back in the game

The last couple of weeks I have been trying to get my head back in the game. Not be such a whinging little cow and make my life mean something to me again.

I am not telling my friends and family about this (aside from those who read this of course) as I don’t want to fail again in their eyes.

Because I don’t have a GPA at the moment with the one HD and 3 fails, I have decided to enrol back into study – I am not going to enrol into a degree at this stage, just a module at a time.  I will try as much as possible to stick with the one university and the one degree course for the modules.

I am currently looking at doing science. I know – another change – however as I said to hubby a few nights ago…I never really considered science seriously because I don’t feel that I am smart enough.  From a chemistry standpoint, I certainly am not. However I loved biology, genetics, and cells in high school  From my recollection I did quite well on those projects. Perhaps my mother will remember better than I do.

I also had quite a few career choices I was interested in that were science based like Vet, Nurse, CSIRO research etc..I remember those desires vividly. Why did I let them fall by the wayside – because I wasn’t good at chemistry? Seems silly to me now.  I think I thought all science was the same and really it isn’t is it?

Anyway, I can do intro science, see how i like it, see what happens.  The modules I looked at all have Melbourne based on campus learning for one week of the study period, mornings only, so I can manage that with no extra money for flights etc.

I want to make my parents proud, I want to make my hubby proud, I want to make myself proud.  I am not a dole bludger welfare mother, so yes I could be proud of that fact, but I want more from my life and I am the only one who is going to be able to get it.

I have not yet enrolled as I still freak out every few days about my cockiness – who in the hell do I think I am?  Me – do science…please, it would be like watching a horse trying to waltz!!  Anyway, I am working through those thoughts 🙂

Next, a blogging friend, who I have been following for a while now, has done me something that has given me such a boost of love and confidence.  There are a few of us in the WoW blogosphere that are in love with Chibis. They are cute little characters drawings of our in game toons.  They are so gorgeous you honestly want to just die.  Think of the cat from Puss in Boots with the big round eyes cute 🙂  Anyway, I have made comment a few times on how wonderful they are…I will get one ordered soon! Well I have a few toons I would love to get a couple done.  In the end she told me last night – she had one ordered for me!!  OMG! I don’t know which of my toons, likely my mage, but honestly I was floored!

It has made me feel so special that she has got one ordered for me. I really can’t put it into words how special.  I must do something to repay the kindness she has shown me.  Once I receive it, I have to make a lovely post, but I can’t formulate words correctly at the moment, I don’t know of anything that I could do which would say how I really feel about it.  It is more than just a chibi to me.

 

JUST CANT GET A BREAK

So annoyed right now, applied for a junior underwriter position – decided to call now to confirm they received my application, they had sort of…it wasn’t there but was apparently…

THEN

they want someone with commercial insurance experience….WELL REALLY – WHY NOT PUT THAT IN THE FUCKING ADVERT YOU DUMBARSES!!!!

Why am I unemployed when I am so much better then these arses out there?  news.com.au and theage.com.au have both has typing errors in their news articles recently which annoys me….I know I can’t type and i post with errors – but I am not a journalist and generally I am ranting and i don’t get paid to make sure I can proofread things correctly!

I also am able to type up appropriate job adverts so as to not waste 2 hours of my night retyping a god damn resume to be appropriate to the fucking position.  Nor am I incapable of learning how commercial insurance works vs personal….insurance is not that different across areas..no it really isn’t…

So over it right now!

On a upbeat note – i am getting a new domain tomorrow for my weightloss blog and perhaps my gaming blog.  I may make my personal blog part of my weightloss blog although I think that can be boring for some people….not sure yet….Either way I am excited about spending the weekend updating my blogs and just having a play.

 

Wow missed an entire month !

Since I started blogging in 2003, I have written a blog post on every single birthday….this year I missed it. I posted on my weightloss blog, but well it wasn’t really birthday related all that much 🙂

I have missed an entire month because I have just been trying to keep my head above water and deal with the self hate I feel.

I will be honest, I am feeling that I am actually achieving something with my weight, but at the end of the day when I am in my own head all I can think of is how we can’t afford to live day to day because I can’t get a job a because I am not educated and because I can’t even figure out what I want to do as a career.

The only thing I wanted to do was underwriting and I have failed so dismally at even attempting to get into that I can’t express it in words properly.

I did apply for a junior underwriting position last night, but I am waiting to hear from the agency and I doubt I will get it. I am just that fucking crap at everything.

I chopped all my hair off and am still chopping bits off to get the look I want.

Anyway, just another depressing post about my inability to actually make something of myself!

Busy beavers

I have not written much here, as to be honest I have so much going on I just can’t find the time to care about writing posts for this blog.

I have my weightloss blog getting updated daily and my gaming blog getting updated semi-regularly, between those two things, I really have no other aspects of my life worth writing about.

I haven’t started looking for work again yet, although will be starting this coming week. I am not comfortable writing about my religious practices.  I have no other hobbies as I believe I suck at everything.  I was enjoying my photography – but then what’s the point when everyone can get out there with a camera and do their own thing. I would be keen to start dancing or singing, but so far – none of the places I have emailed have bothered to respond to my queries.  Just kind of over it.  And to be honest I don’t want to just blog about the negative all the time – it gets dull and boring and not worth reading.

I am ok though, just chugging along and focused on losing weight really.

Water explosions

I have been sick with a cold like thing since Thursday – including he who shall not be named – he has the sinus/cough/body thing, and I have the body/headache/cough thing.

So friday whilst we are both sitting on the couch in our own delirium, I notice Loki licking up something on the floor, immediately thinking one of them had peed, then also realising he wouldn’t be licking it up if that was the case.

Ran into the bathroom to find the pipe in the vanity unit had burst an d water was rushing out – covering now the entire en suite, bedroom and start of the entrance hall in water.  the en suite had about 2 inches, the bedroom was almost floating and the water was making its way to the lounge room and TV.

every towel I owned was thrown down to prevent more heading for the lounge and we both started mopping up the water – including towels we borrowed from a friend.  The insurance company was really fast and got someone out here at about 7pm to start sucking up the water, he left a blower to dry out the carpet – as it was clean water and not sewage or something, they say it can just be dried and cleaned – especially since they got on to it as fast as they did.

So all our bedroom furniture is in the lounge room – thanks to another friend coming out to help us move everything – we are sleeping on couches and floors.  Last night, I went to sleep on the floor of the spare bedroom ( I don’t like the fold out sofa – it hurts my back), and i noticed the floor in there was wet.

We emptied out the cupboard and a few thing have water damage now – a very old suitcase, a picnic basket/backpack thing which I cannot wash so likely will be mouldy soon, a hand painted oil picture of my parents wedding has been wet up to the middle – appears no damage to  the actual image and mainly just the backing – but can’t be sure until it dries out. By the time we got to bed it was about 2:30am….we didn’t want to sleep in that room either because the water had been left a two days and anything could be developing in there…

I did notice the back of the vanity cabinet was wet – and I did not think at the time to check if it has gone through to the other room –  so now I am concerned there could be structural damage – which would add more costs to this whole thing.

This week was going to be our first on a new budget – and as usual I can’t get a fucking break….anything in my world that can fuck up – will fuck up – and i am so at the end of my tether I can barely function.  I am so close to losing the plot entirely and losing my shit. I don’t see the fucking point of trying…I don’t fucking want to deal with this fuming shit they call a “life”.  I think I must already be dead because this is my private fucking hell.

I am currently waiting for this cleaner to come back so we can show him the further damage as per the instructions from the claim handler this morning when I called to advise we found more damage.

Just one more day

I have been in a very very bad place the last few weeks, in fact I have about 6 posts that I have in various stages of completion and most are either private or drafts.

I can’t seem to feel like baring my soul anymore as I really just don’t think my heart is in it anymore.

Actually my heart really isn’t in much anymore.

I was rejected for my uni application becuase I withdrew from 3 subjects which then got marked as fails.  Essentially I am not going to be accepted to uni now as mature age entry.  The last available avenue is to sit a STAT test and attempt entry that way – but as someone who fails most exams situations, I can’t see the point.

Suffice it to say, with my inability to get a new job, or come up with a business idea or get into Uni or lose weight, or clean up the junk rooms, or find motivation to do anything – I am feeling particularly like a failure.

I am sure this will pass and all the good in the world won’t help the fact that all I can think about at the moment, is what waste of space/time/effort/money I am. 

I am sure there are many lovely things about me, that other people see in me, but honestly – it’s all bullshit – words to keep you propped up – if the good things were true – I would be in a better place…..

Don’t get me wrong, I am not judging myself on other people’s ideas of success, but I am not even succeeding on my own terms. 

I am not sure on my posting shcedule – I am sure it will happen when it feels important enought to type about….but well you all know how to get hold of me if something urgent comes up….