and then i wonder

Why do I bother?

Anyway, started off this week, quite good, was happy – PMTing like mental, but happy, you know how that is.

Hubby and I are looking at taking up karate – just looking at the moment, I am not entirely sure we can afford it, but we are going to do our best to see if we can. So there is a bit of a buzz in the house at the moment.

I have yet to enrol in the science course, i keep telling myself I will and then I chicken out before actually doing it.

We watched girl with the dragon tattoo and there was a very violent rape scene which I knew nothing about. Actually, there was a few other scenes in there which were along the same lines and had a very negative effect on me.  Suffice it to say I have been trying to get my head back into a better place since then as I have been plagued with old emotions.

I walked into work today and copped a serve first thing from my father and it has not stopped all morning.  I am sick and tired of being the fuck up because my step mother doesn’t leave notes on anything and I am supposed to just know what is going on with every single car.  It set me right off – i assume pmt is a huge factor – but the fact i I can’t get another job.  I am completely unemployable and I even suck at this.  My head is there and I am not going to be able to get it out for a few more days again now.

I have discovered what I think could be an awesome business idea…requires me to up my sewing skills and perhaps get someone in on the start up with me who can sew better than I can.  I am ok, not a master by any stretch, but I could certainly hold my own in some areas.  I wonder if my mother wants to be a millionaire just buy doing some sewing :p I will happily give her…hrmm…5% of the profits :p LOL

I am currently looking into getting a business started up, initially I can do it from home after normal work and weekends, then when the demand picks up I can just cut down my hours here and increase my hours sewing.   There are also some grants etc I can apply for  – sexist as they may be – i won’t say no to free money just because I am a woman..no matter how much like a prostitute it makes me feel 🙂

It is tinkering in the back of my mind and I will need to make some phone calls tomorrow on my day off and see what I need to do. I mean, my sewing machine is ok, but I will need an overlocker and an embroidery machine probably – for what i want to do, it will likely be needed.

I need to get a business name straight off so I can buy fabric wholesale though and start making stuff to advertise.  Be damned if I am going to pay full price for fabric :p

Anyway, there are positives – i just have to focus on those and tell my brain to remember that I am better than an admin assistant in a disorganised panel shop that I have absolutely no control over.

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JUST CANT GET A BREAK

So annoyed right now, applied for a junior underwriter position – decided to call now to confirm they received my application, they had sort of…it wasn’t there but was apparently…

THEN

they want someone with commercial insurance experience….WELL REALLY – WHY NOT PUT THAT IN THE FUCKING ADVERT YOU DUMBARSES!!!!

Why am I unemployed when I am so much better then these arses out there?  news.com.au and theage.com.au have both has typing errors in their news articles recently which annoys me….I know I can’t type and i post with errors – but I am not a journalist and generally I am ranting and i don’t get paid to make sure I can proofread things correctly!

I also am able to type up appropriate job adverts so as to not waste 2 hours of my night retyping a god damn resume to be appropriate to the fucking position.  Nor am I incapable of learning how commercial insurance works vs personal….insurance is not that different across areas..no it really isn’t…

So over it right now!

On a upbeat note – i am getting a new domain tomorrow for my weightloss blog and perhaps my gaming blog.  I may make my personal blog part of my weightloss blog although I think that can be boring for some people….not sure yet….Either way I am excited about spending the weekend updating my blogs and just having a play.

 

really?…

Some days I should just not get out of bed.

I was actually  a little annoyed by the time I got home yesterday because I spent the entire afternoon picking at a scab, as it were, and running things over in my head repeatedly.

The situation…..

I don’t work fulltime, as far as I know because they can’t really afford to pay me, so I work 4 days a week and sacrifice a days pay – so…yesterday afternoon I had to help my S-mum pay $1052 for a pendant.   That’s almost 12 weeks pay for that extra day I could work….and I know it doesn’t sound a lot, but then neither does the contemplation of dropping $40k on jewellery – but not being able to pay me…

What’s even weirder is that she is now trying to get a part time job somewhere else to help them pay out their tax…nvm the one month holiday to the US they are taking next month…..

Yes, I thought about this all evening and it just made me sad….I got over the annoyance and was just sad about it.  Sad for her, sad for dad…pitying them I suppose….

Anger and Failure

I got angry last night, first night in a while I was angry…so very angry with hubby….we went for a walk – aiming to do this running in 2 months thing happening, and when I got back I did a vlog – for about 1 minute – not even and then hubby advised not to mention him in my blogs….

Considering they get sent to 3 of our friends, which I explained, he didn’t care – I was really put on the back foot.  I don’t know why or what his issue with it is considering I have been blogging about things since 2003, he has been mentioned many many times….

I am confused, hurt and annoyed by this, but in the end they are his wishes, so this will be the last blog with him mentioned in it.  I will no longer be blogging about him, and therefore I will probably not be blogging alot as I tend to mention him a fair bit.

Onto other things I am already having a bad day, my S-mum said she would be at work early today, it’s 10:17 – and she is not here, I had some woman just ring saying she has sent photos to S-mum’s phone and can she please call back and we are out of paper in the office.  So I try to get hold of S-mum – she wasn’t planning on coming into the office today, her phone is flat and her charger is at her holiday house….so she got short with me when I said that I had no paper and that I didn’t get the ladies number because I figured she would SMS her back….

I am sick and tired of this….really…I am not in the mood today….especially when she was going to stay home so she could do some washing….how is it MY FAULT – you told some woman to sms you when your phone was flat – how is it my fault you won’t let me order stationary and how is it my fault you leave your charger at the holiday house therefore forcing you to come to work and buy another charger…

I feel like i have had PMS for the last 3 weeks straight – I am always on the edge of irritable and annoyed and feel like snapping all the time….I am not happy about it….

German

Once again I have been doing some soul searching and trying to figure out wtf I want to do with my life.

Hubby was brutual again in his assessment of my stupidly held views and i completely understand his point of view – but i just don’t know how to change them.

The issue is I believe – strongly and without doubt – that a person must have a career goal – (I blame my  mother for that :P)  and they must attain that goal.  Or they could have kids – which is a valid lifestyle choice and become stay at home mums for at least the first few years of the babies lives…again that is my opinion 🙂

However I fit neither of those boxes.  I have no career aspirations – other than the be making enough money to cover our bills and allow me to save for a god damn overseas holiday 🙂  I also have no current desire to procreate – that could of course change at any point.

So my “issue” is that I don’t fit into my own stereotype of what I should be – and it causes me so much mental stress.  Hubby was trying to convince me that I don’t need a goal – there are many people who don’t have goals or career aspirations and they do just fine.

So after that whole discussion, I realised that I was doing uni courses and things that don’t interest me – I don’t really want to do programming or marketting or business admin – but I was doing them because they inevitably lead to careers – that I don’t want to do.  I am going to look into getting back into German studies.

There are a couple of long term diploma’s etc, however I am going to look into some short courses as well see if i can’t get my German back a little faster than that.

I can certainly pick up a career that involves German easily enough and I love German and all things related so this will be a more positive move for me in the long run.

I also think the reason I am not getting a job is because I told myself I would work at Dad’s shop to give me the chance to a)study – having a day off and b) lose weight.  I think until I fulfil both of those things – I am nto going anywhere.  Sometimes Will power and sending things into the Aether is NOT a good idea unless you are sure you can still to it.

My plan

This is my plan for the next couple of months.

I am doing the bike.exercise as much as I can for the next few weeks, until I am on leave from work, then I am going to get up at 5am and exercise for 40 minutes and jump into the shower.  I will then do another workout at some point in the day – lunch or early afternoon – and indeed perhaps both….

I am off work for a month, what I am hoping is that in that month I get used to getting up early and I start forming a habit – once I start back at work it will therefore hopefully be easier to stay in habit….

That is my hope….we shall see.

I have not heard back from the second job at woodend or the one in Kyneton I applied for.  I don’t want to follow up as I can’t handle being rejected….

time

it’s been a couple of hours since my last post, and I am sinking even further, I am trying to keep my spirits buoyed, but I am fighting a losing battle.

I will be sending my resume through to maccas and KFC soon the rate things are going – something i said I would never ever do…..

I am not entirely sure I should drive myself home today, as I am not thinking clearly, so I am glad I am not coming to work tomorrow.

There is nothing I can say to myself to feel better, all my self talk is completely negative and anything positive I think of is being immediately shot down with negative things that seem to make more sense.

I can’t fight anymore, and I have no more strength…not today….the last few months I have felt myself getting more and more depressed about this whole job situation and I think the phone call this morning was the camel’s back snapping…especially when I have been trying to put a good facade on the situation to ensure people don’t worry about me and my feelings….but the energy I was using to maintain that has run out…

GAH