Too god damn emotional….

I don’t really remember when my temper started getting the better of me, i don’t remember always feeling the wrath boiling under the surface.  I know it happened some time in my teenage years but I am not sure when.

There was a lot that happened in my 18 – 20 years bracket and I wonder if that whole section of time just fills me with an anger that can’t be sated.  I explode at the drop of a hat and with no warning.  I don’t even have time enough to think about my reactions because by the time i realise I have exploded, I can’t do anything to stop it.

Hubby and I had a very good discussion about this the other night, hence my post to twitter that I am going to get it under control, and not two days later I have already failed and lost my temper 4 times today that I can easily remember.  I chided myself afterwards for getting angry, hence why I actually remember the four things.

Each time, I was angry because of other objects or creatures (human included) getting in the way and causing me extra hassle.  I don’t like extra hassle I have decided. I like things to work, straight away with no complications, I like people listening to me and doing what they are told, I like being in control at all times and I like knowing things will be exactly as I left them when I return.

I have to get this under control.

But now – I have to go and do a workout and perhaps get rid of some of that aggression 🙂  I have done 2 hours of uni work – and achieved very little (I have not done any more on my assignment due in 5 days), and now i just feel I need to move my fat arse off this chair!!!

betrayal, stings like a bee..no – a wasp

I have been betrayed by people I have counted as friends before, I am sure every single person has, I think it is part of human nature…

However it has just happpened to me, again, friends names have been mentioned to me in relation to backstabbing me and saying bad things…I don’t believe all the names mentioned as I trust them to have been honest with me and actually my friends…and I do hope that my trust has not been broken.

I have my thoughts on who is starting this crap up and perpetuating it, but as I have no real evidence or even motive to back that up I am just keeping silent.  I am sad though as I have now stepped down from a role I enjoy in game…

On top of my current feelings and emotional sensitivity, this has been a big blow to my confidence, and feeling of self worth.

Yes I need to get outof my head (thanks for the advice!!), I am just not sure how to do that yet since I am still so caught up in this latest betrayal…A week should be all the recovery time I need, after that I will be able to get back into everything.

Rage, Anger, Hate, Despair

Yes, these are all the emotions currently taking control of my life and sanity.

I am feeling really angry, all the time, as though I am worthless again.  It has been a long time since I felt this way and not really have I felt it as strongly since I was seeing N for my rape counselling and agoraphobia.

I am so confused as to what is making me feel this way, I know work would be a major factor there, as I do feel more and more worthless the more jobs I apply for, the more meetings I get pulled into for something, and the more I am made to feel that my past sick leave will never be forgotten by them.

I don’t want to be angry, and I don’t want to react as explosively as I do, but it happens before I even have a chance to register the anger. I am unhappy with me and my life and the fact that I have placed myself in a position of guilt, shame, despair and I am unable to see the way out of the cavernous pit.

A friend asked me today what my talents/gifts/passions were…and I spent all day trying to come up with something…anything….and I had nothing…i could not offer a thought as to something that would perhaps give me an outlet for this rage.  I like blogging, but well that’s not really a career or past time of any major merit (well it might if i was getting paid for it :p). I do enjoy cooking and baking, but tell me – like we need another cooking show/book/blog about new and wonderful recipes and then I was stumped. I had nothing else. I am a blank canvas and then that made me feel even more worthless.

You see, I don’t have any friends, that are constantly in my life and actually my friends. Hrmm that didn’t come out right. Most people have a best friend or a circle of friends that hang out together, you go shopping, you talk, you have dinner and drinkies nights. I don’t have that with anyone, and although some people may not want or need it, I feel that is one of the reasons I am so angry.

I have no girls to just hang out with, friends that are not self centered that perhaps want to hear what I have to say, that can understand that I am not good in crowds, that i don’t like public transport that I am will always be slightly broken now.  I think it is very hard to find people at my age that want to do that kind of stuff or want to even spend the time getting to know you.

I am not a hermit by nature but the last few years have shown me who my friends are and I can count them on 3 fingers. This saddens me as I married one, the other is interstate and 0ne is an animal (dog). I have not felt this kind emotion for over 10 years when I did try and kill myself after the rape.  This is what concerns me.  The exploding rage comes from the lack of worth and overwhelming sense of being alone….

I am so confused…..

It’s actually only 54 working days

Yup, I just counted them on my diary, with a little countdown for my reference.  Just 54 days, that’s all I have to keep my cool for, but you know what just walking to the building this morning and I got angry and annoyed and wanted to committ murder, and that was before I had walked in.

Yes it is defiantely time to leave this place if that is how I feel just walking towards the building.  This place and the people and everything about it just make me hate everything…

Last night I was in tears at how worthless I feel and how worthless I have let this place make me feel – this is now moving into other areas of my life so that if someone makes an offhand comment I take offence because I see it as an attack at my worth.  Justitfied, perhaps, paranoid, maybe…who cares it is how I feel.

there are drums at work today – african or soemthing and they are fucking pissing me off!!!!! Time for headphones I think and perhaps some calming music to inspire me for the day….

Doubt that will happpen in this fucking shit hole of hell….

POsting this here as I cannot post it to my wow blog, so sorry for the seemingly randomness of this post.

Something was said to me tonight, which got me really annoyed, so annoyed in fact I nearly told everyone to go and shove it, instead poor spankypants copped it all. Which I feel awful about now as it was not his fault, but well he just happened to whisper me when I was away from my computer throwing a tanty. I know my guild is more than just one person, and I have a group of close friends in the guild, let’s say 5 people, who I would do anything for, and their opinion matters to me more than anyone else in the game, and indeed it has mattered to me since I met them all.

But when someone makes an offhand comment about how none of the work I have done as raid leader means anything, I get a little miffed. I guess i find it ironic as I was reading this post today, a fairly simple post about saying thank you to your raid leader. http://wtbrage.wordpress.com/2010/05/11/raid-leading-appreciation/ Anyway, I am annoyed that I even bother trying to make people happy and trying to make raids go ahead and trying to make them enjoyable…from now on I will just shut my fucking mouth, but you know what…I am so tempted to just pull out the nasty hat and say, well since I am not any good as raid leader – how about the new and improved guild leader and just start laying down the law and booting people when i don’t think they can play.

I am also annoyed with myself that I even got annoyed in the first place, I am sure it was just a comment and had nothing behind it…but I am really getting sick of people NOT thinking about the person behind the avatar…yes I do have feelings and yes I am a person….last time I checked I even had a pulse…. No doubt someone will take offence at this post, and you know what the state I am in now I don’t really care. But just a point to note a little bit of appreciation can go a long way to helping a guild leader feel valued and NOT like they are trying to keep a guild together for no reason. Yes it really is a thankless task and I am appalled that less than half a guild take the time to care and be involved and give a shit about the guild as a whole.

I have been raid leading, in this guild for 2 years, others have helped out and stepped up and we have always shared the job. but…tonight…..fuck them…fuck them all if they think they can treat me like this anymore…I am done.  I am sick of the fucking bullshite, sick of the drama, sick of being told I am shite and not as good as others and fuck them…..I am done.

84 Days to go…

So only 84 days until I can hand in my piece of paper, that includes weekends, so it is actually much lewss working days…either way, it is going to be the longest 84 days I have ever experienced in my life.

I am so over it.  I mean OVER IT!!  to the point where I hate society, people, mankind….I am so sick to death of bullshit excuses and liars and fucking idiots sucking up enough to be given better treatment than hardworking people who through no fault of their own are thrown to the side as though they are nothing.

Anyway suffice it to say, I have given up any hope of giving a shit.  I will just get through my next 84 days and do my bare minimum to not get fired.  I will start looking for jobs seriously in July.  Let’s face it…it is only 2 months away.

Yes I am being selfish and yes I am probably being very centric, but you know what…they can get fucked. I wasn’t even good enough for an interview, but the person in the team who has little appreciation for good customer service, who cannot spell or type has been given the position.  Which is great I am happy for her, what I am NOT happy about it that the delays and fucking around that occurred previously is what hindered my chances, nvm this person is bum chums with the interviewers etc…so I knew the moment I saw the job come up who would be given it, but it just fucking irritates me.

Why have I stayed here so long working towards a fucking goal that will never happen.  You know what is funnier…of all the jobs I have applied for at my work department – I have not had ONE interview for…I have been declined for them all….yet every single job I have applied for outside of my department I have been offered an interview for.  I have not taken any of the roles as I have bad timing, ie every time something in MY department comes up and I decline other roles for the chance.

Well fuck that….all it tells me is that people are discriminating against me and I wonder if  it was because I was “sick”.  I was off work for 8 months, almost 9, but I hardly think that is a fair judgement given it was 2 years ago and it was for legitimate reasons….and I only mention that coz my boss keeps mentioning my “past history”  you know comments like “you’re doing really well consdering your past history”  shit like that, which pisses me off as it means they (management) are still holding onto it.

My only solution therefore is to tell them to shove it up their collective arses and leave.

Yes I may be paranoid, but I feel I am allowed to be.

You have got to be fucking kidding me!!!

http://www.theage.com.au/national/santas-image-is-a-big-ho-ho-no-20091217-kzxb.html

Santa’s image is a big ho ho no
JULIA MEDEW
December 18, 2009
Santa Claus should swap the brandy and mince pies for carrot sticks and start jogging to children’s homes instead of drink-driving his sleigh, a public health expert says.

Dr Nathan Grills, a fellow at Monash University’s Department of Epidemiology and Preventative Medicine, yesterday accused Santa of promoting obesity, smoking, drink-driving and other dangerous activities, and said his increasing popularity should be used to encourage healthy living instead.

After conducting a literature review of Santa’s links to public health, Dr Grills said Santa often appeared fat, sedentary, drunk and smoking a pipe when more responsible imagery would depict him running on a treadmill with a badge proudly declaring he had quit smoking.

Writing in a special Christmas edition of the British Medical Journal, Dr Grills said that among other things, traditional images of Santa sent a message that obesity was synonymous with cheerfulness and joviality.

He said children should be encouraged to support a healthy diet for Santa by not leaving food and alcohol out for him. This would also help adults control their weight too, because “when Santa is full, dad is a willing helper”, he said.

Dr Grills said he was also concerned about Santa’s “roof surfing”, “chimney jumping”, disregard for road rules and tendency to drink-drive and speed. “Despite the risks of high-speed air travel, Santa is never depicted wearing a seat belt or helmet,” he said.

Australia’s regulation of Santa impersonators was also criticised by Dr Grills, who said health checks should be imposed on participants before they are kissed and hugged by a succession of “snotty nosed kids”.

“The potential for Santa in his asymptomatic phase to propagate an infectious disease is clear,” he said.

Dr Grills concluded that “Santa studies” was a developing field of public health and that there was a disappointing lack of rigorous research on the topic.