but honestly it is the thing which is on my mind as it affects so many other areas of my life in a negative way.
I have sent my resume to two good friends to review and look over and advise me about when they have a chance. One of them is like an english grammar and dictionary book walking and talking – no jokes, she is amazing – i think it is because she works in a library – perhaps she soaks it up through the skin like osmosis. The other owns a small business about improving self for employment (among other things).
They both shot me down, the second one advising me to re-write the entire thing from scratch. So that will be my weekend tomorrow – redoing my resume from start to finish using both of their criticisms to hopefully improve it somewhat.
I have been sick all week with a viral thing, throat infection and sinus pain – so have been feeling wonderful, but this means I am also now 2 days pay short because I have 8 days sick leave paid and I have only 1 left. I am so run down though by the travel and depression that I am getting sicker more often again.
I have done no exercise as I have no motivation – I am so depressed about my life and my lack of, well, anything except a happy marriage, that I am feeling really pessimistic about everything. Yeah I know I have it much better than some people in the world and I am not dealing with death or separation like some of my friends, but that is irrelevant as our own personal pain is always so much greater than what anyone else is going through – whether true or not – that is how we perceive it when we are at the bottom…well it could also just be me 😀
We have to be so careful with money now (again), watch what food we buy, how much petrol we use (hubby got a lift with friends to a BBQ because we couldn’t afford the petrol if I went with him and took our own car – the fact that I am still not 100% was also a life saver), how much I put on the bills each week has to be carefully planned out and in the end – I hate having money troubles. I am not doing well with it. I am not coping with this. I am not able to stop crying because all I am worried about it money and how fucked I am making our lives because I can’t seem to get another job that pays more than a fucking apprentice. Yup, I could earn more as a 4th year apprentice…how the mighty have fallen considering I was earning over 55K a year ago – I am now earning less than 25k…and by less – I mean I am under 22k but was trying to make it sound better……
Yeah that sounds even worse when I type it like that actually……I am going to have more ice-cream……
I have done a few posts lately and then just not finished them or have kept them private – there is all together too much whinging, anger and emo in them.
I am feeling overall, positive about everything – but beneath it is the lurking suspicion that I am not really aware of reality. I have my version of reality and everyone else is in another one. I have to some how deal with this issue as it is causes problems in my own life.
I am still applying for jobs and harrassing the recruitment agencies I am listed with – of the 3 of them – I have made a phone call a week to the recruiter and have been lucky to get a return phone call in 2 weeks. I am becoming increasingly assured that recruiters don’t actually do any work or that I am completely unemployable. Since I know I can work, and have done in the past – I can only assume the first statement is therefore true.
Hubby is telling me to keep my chin up and that it will work out – he went through a bad unemployment spell before landing his current employer so he remembers how it feels. It is just so disheartening to not even be given interviews – not even at agences either when I apply for jobs or ring them about sending my resume through….just complete silence even when I have been calling them.
It is hard. So hard. With the amount of jobs out there and the unemployment rate so low how can it be so hard to get a job? I don’t think I will ever understand how they come up with figures that are so obviously distorted.
We have AWC in a couple of weeks, so a few days in Tassie might give me a little re-charge in batteries. It will be nice to get away from everything here and not worry about things. Hubby managed to get a two week break basically at the same time, he hasn’t had a proper long break in a very long time so it will be very good for him.
My plan to lose weight before my next birthday is not going anywhere – I have discovered though – I need to go to be by 10pm to be able to get up at 5am without too much issue….but it is the going to bed at 10 I am struggling with. I just lose so much time travelling that I stay up later to feel that I have some semblence of time.
So this weekend I am going to try it out..I want to get up at 5.30 and see if I can do a good workout in 30 minutes therefore allowing me time to get through the shower and ready to leave by 6.30 at the absolute latest. That’s my plan anyway 😀
I better run anyway, since I am at work – I am sure going to get a few phone calls etc so don’t have time to type 😀 BYE
Having a shocking day, am so glad it is nearly over because I am not
I just want to go home.
A supplier came to work and I asked him how all the manual labour was treating him and he said he was sweating like a rapist…..
Who the fuck says that?????
So I was then immediately tense and hateful of him. I was scared out of my mind and it just set my therapy back a year…..
Edited the draft I started yesterday to add the following:
This morning (saturday) I had a terrible nightmare about it, and was screaming in my sleep, hubby was basically shaking me to wake me up and when I opened my eyes I could barely see for the tears. I am not feeling well, mentally, right now. I am scared and anxious….I am can fell the fear sitting in the back ground and I feel like vomiting.
We are supposed to be heading to footscray now to see if we can find some fresh fish and I honestly am not sure if I can leave the house…..I am freaking out.
I am wondering if i should tell dad I don’t want to work there anymore, but I really need the job since our plans to refinance have fallen through….but this guy wont be around for 2 weeks now, so perhaps I will be ok by then…..
I will just see how it goes and try and calm down by then
I have had a very busy couple of weeks and I just have barely even been near my computer at all….I just told hubby I did not want to watch anything or do anything other than sit here and catch up on stuff. JUST FUCKING STUFF!!!!! I don’t think he was impressed, but well…I am sorry….I haven’t been having my technological fix every day anymore and it is making me a little antsy. I also need to finish my assignment this weekend as it is due tomorrow night before midnight.
Lots to catch up on, so follow me after the break 😀
I am really, really deflated. I basically have 1 month to find a job as we are now out of funds. The bills all just got pulled so we have a window of a month before things are going to start bouncing.
Centrelink can’t help because hubby earns to much, I am thinking about pulling out the superannuation papers and seeing if I can claim financial hardship, will do that today. I am also going to help my dad at his shop with some paperwork. My step mum is not well at the moment and his office assustant is having trouble keeping up with all the interruptions. So he will be paying me as well, so fingers crossed I can do that until I have a job to go to, and I don’t know how much he will be paying me.
I am going to consider getting my RSA and RCG in the next couple of weeks…only costs about 100 bucks but that will open up more opportunities for employment in pubs/casino etc.
I am so highly stressed at the moment I really just can’t describe it. I just want a job. I did not think trying to get one would prove to be so difficult. Today I will start applying for jobs in the insurance industry as well, it was always my last resort and one i did not want to do. I really don’t want to!
I hate myself for doing this to my life and to my hubby. I was stupid to think that my experience and skills would count for anything. I was so dumb to think that I could even get temp work. I am just proving consistently how stupid I am.
I have honestly had enough of society. I am sick to death of the multiple levels of security we have to go through every fucking day, because – like today – I didn’t update my mobile on one of my banking sites and now I don’t have access to my funds because they need to send me something via post.
Even after I answered all their security questions and verification……tell me whats the point of having a verification process if that means you still don’t know who I am…..
I wanted to withdraw some funds from my savings just to cover us, however they send an SMS code – to my old phone….so I wanted that updated…..can’t do it. You can verify it is me, but you can’t verify it is me because I didn’t list a home or work number? They would call me back on those numbers…..well sorry to tell you but I am not working – so I have no work number and I didn’t have a home phone at the time we signed up for the account….so um…..pretty stupid confirmation method if you ask me….
So she has to mail me the code…..MAIL IT TO ME!!!! SNAIL FUCKING MAIL!!!!!!! How about email to the address I use to log in every time – no someone could have access to that as well………..SERIOUSLY?@?@??@@?@
I DON”T WANT FUCKING SMS ALERTS AND BULLSHIT!!!!!!! I Don’t want to be delayed when i want to do things, I already waited 5 days for the funds to even fucking appear in my account – now I have to wait 5 days for the snail mail to turn up and then I have to wait another 5 days for the money to transfer back….
I am closing the account.
I am sick to death of this stuffing about you have to do everywhere you go. Anytime you call people you have to have a passcode or secret question or remember your last transaction…..I can’t remember my own fucking birthday half the time and you want me to remember how many different passcodes etc??
If people (humans, society, wankers) weren’t such dickheads and let their stuff get stolen we wouldn’t be in the situation we are in now – IRL or online. Watch your fucking handbag/wallets – scan your pc for virus’ – stop looking up porn and don’t open emails from people you don’t know…..GRAAAAHHHHHH
Hubby would tell me not to get angry at something I can’t control, I get angry because I am sick and tired of the constant bullshit and I don’t understand why I have to be inconvenienced – yes it is all about me!! OMG. I think I need to restart this life scenario….play it over again with a better outcome…..
2 days ago, on the 26th, I had a complete and total meltdown. i was slamming doors, throwing tanties and balling my eyes out hysterically.
Hubby the calmness that he is was trying to find out what was wrong and I kept saying “I don’t know!”, well yelling at no one in particular really, tears streaming down my face. So I went into the bedroom, crawled under the blankets and cried.
Hubby walked in and started stroking me….he always knows what to do in what situations….after a few minutes he pipes up and says something – I have no idea what it was now – but i just remember crying at him and saying that he was going to leave me coz I am mental…..he laughed and then I laughed…and well…he reckoned I was being very hormonal….turns out he was right!
Mr Grumpy turned up today and explains quite nicely why I have been angry, and retarded this last few days…well angrier than usual and I had absolutely no way to control myself. I have been so irregular the last year I just have no idea what PMT is anymore or if I am just constantly suffering it.
Hubby is my rock. I really would be absolutely lost without him. He is the calm to my thunderstorm and I honestly would not have made it to where I am today if not for him. I love him so much.