Running on empty

I know it has been months since I have written on this blog, the basic reason for that revolves around me not having anything positive to say about things going on in my life.  There have been positives – don’t get me wrong – but I don’t want to post about them publicly and they are not doing anything to outweigh the immensely crushing weight of not being able to get a job.

Over the last 18 months I have applied for, on average 8 jobs a week, which is almost 600 jobs in total.  To date I have had no interviews at employers at all and less than a handful (still) of agency interviews that always end the same way.

Yes I have written about it before, yes I have had my resume changed over 4 times now – each person telling me it needs to be different – none of them have had any better reaction.

I am in tears every night at my current job because of so many reasons, that I can’t really write about concisely. Suffice it to say I have never felt as completely incapable as I have in the last 12 months of this position.  In the last 3 months I have spent most of my day doing absolutely nothing because my boss will not relinquish control of every detail to anyone.

I have not managed to get any uni completed because of time travelled to my current role and I am completely incapable of being employed anywhere.

I am constantly thinking about death and wanting to die.  No, I am not suicidal – I am too chicken shit, however should a bus hit me and kill me instantly, I would not be upset about it.  I am not going to run off and take a hundred pills or anything like that.  I hate the thought of people staring at me in a hospital bed all upset because I tried and failed to do it properly, therefore making them upset.  If there was a guaranteed method, I would not have to deal with that guilt and shame I would so be on that bandwagon.

What annoys me – the reason I feel like the above is because I cannot get another job.  I can’t get interviews. I have no friends who can put me forward for positions.  I am looking at jobs in every state and even NZ.  I can’t even get call backs about call centre jobs in Perth.  I will move wherever I need to if it is a good work environment and I can actually just help contribute to the financial side of the household again.

I am not upset about any other aspect of my life, I love my life, we only have a mortgage as our debt, the credit card is paid off and clear, we aren’t behind on any bills etc, I have a fantastic husband who is my pillar and constantly tries to reassure me I am worth more than I realise, but the truth remains that I am completely unemployable.

Recruitment agencies make it completely impossible to know what the best way to do things is, if you show drive, they don’t like you, if you don’t show any, they don’t like you, if you are fat, short, curly haired, long distance, blah blah blah, it is nigh on impossible to get through to anything.

I want to die so I don’t have to constantly deal with being made to feel inadequate, dumb, unskilled, stupid and worthless.  I want to be able to just disappear and not have to hold back my tears all the time, I want to yell at recruiters, I want to get angry and I want to smash people’s faces in.  I want out.  I want out of this cycle of getting hopeful about a position and then being told I wasn’t even close. I want it to end. I want to just close my eyes and never have to deal with it again. I want to be put out of my misery because I don’t have the balls to do it myself.

I had dreams.  I don’t anymore.   I have nothing left in me to care.  Hubby says I can quit and we will make it work.  I know he is trying to help, but I don’t want to put anymore strain on our relationship because we can barely afford to pay all of our bills now.  I am completely useless and the sooner I come to grips with that the better off I will be.

Today I will walk down our local town area and see if anyone needs a kitchen hand – maybe I can get employed as a dishwasher. Although I highly doubt I will even manage to get a job doing that – it may be just a fraction harder than I can cope with.  Maybe tomorrow I will get runover by a truck or something and this will be the end.

That is the only dream I have left now, every night, I dream I die and I want to cry when I wake up because it didn’t happen.

I should go to bed, but how can I crawl in beside the most wonderful man, when I am such a failure every day?  I think this may be the last post I make on any of my blogs, I have nothing left to offer anyone and so I am removing myself from the equation.

 

Moving forward

I have enrolled in Uni, I start in August 🙂

I am doing Intro to Chemistry as I have to have basic chem to do any science courses.  I am nervous as hell. I can do it though.  I have more than enough nerdy science friends that could tutor me and indeed even my mother!

I can get it done!  This will be the start of increasing my GPA.

I also start karate next week – Monday in fact. So I will be doing uni study before classes start it’s a good way of utilizing my time 😀 as I have 2 hours to waste before classes start and when I finish work.

The only issue being i will have to spend sunday cooking as many pre-meals as possible I think as it will just get too hard to cook both and lunch and dinner for Monday and Thursdays the night before or morning of.

Due to my weightloss I am able to fit into my suit again – so job interviews are back on the table!!  WOOT!

My business idea is still churning around i my head.  I have to go and buy some material this fortnight and start sewing. Then asking friends if they want things made so I can build a portfolio up and then creating a web profile for it. I don’t want to give away too much because I don’t want to risk losing the idea 🙂

 

Bugger

My business idea is not something I can protect…I basically have to hope that when I pitch it, they don’t steal it off me.  Received information from an IP lawyer today 😦

The best way I can figure to do this is to just start it up and hope like hell, I get buyers and then when I start getting some business and support hopefully I can defend it should I need to.

All I can think, is that i need to get it started ASAP and then build it up slowly over time.

I need to think.

and then i wonder

Why do I bother?

Anyway, started off this week, quite good, was happy – PMTing like mental, but happy, you know how that is.

Hubby and I are looking at taking up karate – just looking at the moment, I am not entirely sure we can afford it, but we are going to do our best to see if we can. So there is a bit of a buzz in the house at the moment.

I have yet to enrol in the science course, i keep telling myself I will and then I chicken out before actually doing it.

We watched girl with the dragon tattoo and there was a very violent rape scene which I knew nothing about. Actually, there was a few other scenes in there which were along the same lines and had a very negative effect on me.  Suffice it to say I have been trying to get my head back into a better place since then as I have been plagued with old emotions.

I walked into work today and copped a serve first thing from my father and it has not stopped all morning.  I am sick and tired of being the fuck up because my step mother doesn’t leave notes on anything and I am supposed to just know what is going on with every single car.  It set me right off – i assume pmt is a huge factor – but the fact i I can’t get another job.  I am completely unemployable and I even suck at this.  My head is there and I am not going to be able to get it out for a few more days again now.

I have discovered what I think could be an awesome business idea…requires me to up my sewing skills and perhaps get someone in on the start up with me who can sew better than I can.  I am ok, not a master by any stretch, but I could certainly hold my own in some areas.  I wonder if my mother wants to be a millionaire just buy doing some sewing :p I will happily give her…hrmm…5% of the profits :p LOL

I am currently looking into getting a business started up, initially I can do it from home after normal work and weekends, then when the demand picks up I can just cut down my hours here and increase my hours sewing.   There are also some grants etc I can apply for  – sexist as they may be – i won’t say no to free money just because I am a woman..no matter how much like a prostitute it makes me feel 🙂

It is tinkering in the back of my mind and I will need to make some phone calls tomorrow on my day off and see what I need to do. I mean, my sewing machine is ok, but I will need an overlocker and an embroidery machine probably – for what i want to do, it will likely be needed.

I need to get a business name straight off so I can buy fabric wholesale though and start making stuff to advertise.  Be damned if I am going to pay full price for fabric :p

Anyway, there are positives – i just have to focus on those and tell my brain to remember that I am better than an admin assistant in a disorganised panel shop that I have absolutely no control over.

JUST CANT GET A BREAK

So annoyed right now, applied for a junior underwriter position – decided to call now to confirm they received my application, they had sort of…it wasn’t there but was apparently…

THEN

they want someone with commercial insurance experience….WELL REALLY – WHY NOT PUT THAT IN THE FUCKING ADVERT YOU DUMBARSES!!!!

Why am I unemployed when I am so much better then these arses out there?  news.com.au and theage.com.au have both has typing errors in their news articles recently which annoys me….I know I can’t type and i post with errors – but I am not a journalist and generally I am ranting and i don’t get paid to make sure I can proofread things correctly!

I also am able to type up appropriate job adverts so as to not waste 2 hours of my night retyping a god damn resume to be appropriate to the fucking position.  Nor am I incapable of learning how commercial insurance works vs personal….insurance is not that different across areas..no it really isn’t…

So over it right now!

On a upbeat note – i am getting a new domain tomorrow for my weightloss blog and perhaps my gaming blog.  I may make my personal blog part of my weightloss blog although I think that can be boring for some people….not sure yet….Either way I am excited about spending the weekend updating my blogs and just having a play.

 

Wow missed an entire month !

Since I started blogging in 2003, I have written a blog post on every single birthday….this year I missed it. I posted on my weightloss blog, but well it wasn’t really birthday related all that much 🙂

I have missed an entire month because I have just been trying to keep my head above water and deal with the self hate I feel.

I will be honest, I am feeling that I am actually achieving something with my weight, but at the end of the day when I am in my own head all I can think of is how we can’t afford to live day to day because I can’t get a job a because I am not educated and because I can’t even figure out what I want to do as a career.

The only thing I wanted to do was underwriting and I have failed so dismally at even attempting to get into that I can’t express it in words properly.

I did apply for a junior underwriting position last night, but I am waiting to hear from the agency and I doubt I will get it. I am just that fucking crap at everything.

I chopped all my hair off and am still chopping bits off to get the look I want.

Anyway, just another depressing post about my inability to actually make something of myself!

Water explosions

I have been sick with a cold like thing since Thursday – including he who shall not be named – he has the sinus/cough/body thing, and I have the body/headache/cough thing.

So friday whilst we are both sitting on the couch in our own delirium, I notice Loki licking up something on the floor, immediately thinking one of them had peed, then also realising he wouldn’t be licking it up if that was the case.

Ran into the bathroom to find the pipe in the vanity unit had burst an d water was rushing out – covering now the entire en suite, bedroom and start of the entrance hall in water.  the en suite had about 2 inches, the bedroom was almost floating and the water was making its way to the lounge room and TV.

every towel I owned was thrown down to prevent more heading for the lounge and we both started mopping up the water – including towels we borrowed from a friend.  The insurance company was really fast and got someone out here at about 7pm to start sucking up the water, he left a blower to dry out the carpet – as it was clean water and not sewage or something, they say it can just be dried and cleaned – especially since they got on to it as fast as they did.

So all our bedroom furniture is in the lounge room – thanks to another friend coming out to help us move everything – we are sleeping on couches and floors.  Last night, I went to sleep on the floor of the spare bedroom ( I don’t like the fold out sofa – it hurts my back), and i noticed the floor in there was wet.

We emptied out the cupboard and a few thing have water damage now – a very old suitcase, a picnic basket/backpack thing which I cannot wash so likely will be mouldy soon, a hand painted oil picture of my parents wedding has been wet up to the middle – appears no damage to  the actual image and mainly just the backing – but can’t be sure until it dries out. By the time we got to bed it was about 2:30am….we didn’t want to sleep in that room either because the water had been left a two days and anything could be developing in there…

I did notice the back of the vanity cabinet was wet – and I did not think at the time to check if it has gone through to the other room –  so now I am concerned there could be structural damage – which would add more costs to this whole thing.

This week was going to be our first on a new budget – and as usual I can’t get a fucking break….anything in my world that can fuck up – will fuck up – and i am so at the end of my tether I can barely function.  I am so close to losing the plot entirely and losing my shit. I don’t see the fucking point of trying…I don’t fucking want to deal with this fuming shit they call a “life”.  I think I must already be dead because this is my private fucking hell.

I am currently waiting for this cleaner to come back so we can show him the further damage as per the instructions from the claim handler this morning when I called to advise we found more damage.