Who am I?

I lost sight of who I am/was/is/are….I don’t know when this happened as it clearly wasn’t an overnight thing. I think I gradually just let myself become the monster I hated in other people.

I am certain that some of it has to do with where I am currently employed and some of it has to do with our circle of friends, but in the end I have to take full responsibility for my actions and change in self.

I have begun thinking I am a failure – actually the only failure in my family and I measure that success on such material things. My little sister has a diploma, my little brother a degree and is an associate lecturer, my older brother has a trade qualification and is now an assistant manager of assessors at an insurance company, my mother has a bunch of kids that are going to go places because of the opportunities and the point is….why do i give a fuck what they are doing?

I left what was considered a good career so I could start something new and do something I actually enjoyed…my plan…all those months ago was to get a degree in a field I WANTED. Why am I measuring myself up to people that have a very different life to me?

More importantly, why am I measuring my happiness or failure based on other people’s ideas..

For example – I go to musicals, operas, recitals, orchestas – what one would consider fancy shite…I love it….that is happiness to me..some people don’t know who Nigel kennedy is or how fantastic he was live in concert – I do…I had a fantastic night, I don’t consider myself a snob for attending those functions, but I do get a kick out of talking to snobby friends who consider themselves well off and can’t really involve themselves in a conversation about music.

I also was blessed to be living out of home in my teens…my younger siblings are well old enough to have moved out – they persist on living with parents and then have the gall to argue, yell at and talk down to. You know…if you are unhappy having all your washing, cooking, cleaning and life covered, then shut your fucking mouth….You have to pay your mobile bill?!?!!? FUCKING HELL!!!! Grow up and move out!

I am also hugely lucky to have the partner I have, we don’t forbid each other from doing things, we don’t call each names, we don’t fight, we don’t suffer from greed, we support each other, we love, we live.

So what if they bank owns my house and I own the mailbox – it is my little piece of something. I have a fantastic relationship with my husband, I have 2 nice cars, pets that are as human as we can ask for, I have enough money to pay our bills – not much else right now, but we knew that would happen when I left my last job.

I have become so caught up in what others have, how they can afford to do things and spend money, how they seem to have all this stuff handed to them on silver platters…you know…I have never ever had things handed to me on platters (except for maybe my first car….poor ole CB my 1978 Holden Premier) and I have no idea why I expected that things would change for some unknown reason when i left my last job…

I made promises to myself that I would get things done when I started this new job – and I have done none of them. I didn’t lose weight, I didn’t finish my degree – although I did start – on both counts….I didn’t do what I set out to do.

I have thought of every excuse and reason as to why I can’t get a job, but in actual fact – I have made it this way by saying that I was here to lose weight and focus on a degree before leaving this job. I have to fulfil those two aspects – at least be making severe headway before I can expect anything to change.

I asked for an easy job that didn’t take my focus away from my degree, where I could work part time and be not stressed. This is that job. Yes there is stress from the yelling, but I can leave that behind knowing I don’t have to go home to it, I don’t take this work with me.

So time for me to go back to not giving a shite about what others think they have that is better than me and actually appreciating what I do have. I am a better person than I give myself credit for, I tolerate a lot more than I get credited for and whilst I am still working on my temper I have made massive improvements there as well.

It’s time for me to get back myself back and just enjoy what I have whilst I am making a massive career change and life change.

Regarding my previous post I still have no idea why hubby told me not to mention him, but as I said I will respect his wishes.

Home again

I am home again.  Friday night was a bust, i spent the afternoon/night attached to my toilet bowl.  Although I am overweight, most people wouldn’t know that I don’t really eat all that much food, and especially not rich restaurant food, and I think after a week of that kind of food it caught up with me and made me rather sick.  I had to cancel plans which I am still unhappy about and the trip home was horrendous for all the toilet breaks I needed.

Anyway we finally made it here and my sister from another family, had kept the house in wonderful condition.  The animals were all happy to see us and hubby and I were happy to be home.  We had a quick catch up with Beth and then hubby dropped her home whilst i put the kettle on and made coffee.

It is so nice to be home again.  the puppies are every excited to have us home and keep coming requesting attention.  Ms Naarvi slept all over me on the couch and possessively – i might add 🙂

This morning, I had to get out of bed, even though I would have preferred a couple more hours of sleep.  The mattress we have is almost 10 years old, and I am pretty sure it should be thrown out.  It gives me unbelievable back pain in the mornings after sleep, so I couldn’t stand it anymore. So I am up!  I am going to install my camera onto the computer and put my harddrive back on and restore all my old documents and images, then I am going to upload some wonderful images I took over the weekend!

I am most likely also going to do some house wife stuff, like wash all the clothes from the trip and put stuff away obviously 🙂 maybe…if my back stops hurting soon 🙂

The long and the short of it is, I am so happy to be home and I am glad I have a chance now to catch up on emails, blogs, uni and photography 🙂

 

Shopping, cars and stuff ups.

I trundle off to get the car checked out for thisEPA thing, and guess what…they are cancelling them due to the rain….grrrr…I took today off to do this and some other things because it needs to be done before we leave for Sydney, however with the forecast – we may not be able to.  I wonder if we can get an extension on the time given we are interstate for one week? hrmmm….

I took Oyinda (my littlest) sister to highpoint to get a teddy bear, she was freezing but in the end I think she was very happy with her teddy.  She also bought it a little ski outfit to keep him warm.  his name is TJ and comes with a birth certificate as well.  All in all a very good place.  I was so tempted to buy myself a dragon, but in the end decided to just make it out Oyinda.  I will just buy one for me next time we are in Doncaster or something 🙂 hehehe

Now I am heading off to the supermarket to try and get everything for dinner tonight, whilst also trying to organise a firewood delivery…..I want to get the fire started when i get back so I can have the house toasty warm for tonight.  Not that I have ever built a fire before, that is usually hubbies domain…he was a scout after all!!

Chat to you all later 🙂

Another big day…I am soooo wrecked!

Today was huge, we left the desks in the back of my car that we bought at ikea yesteday (which I failed to mention in my last post) and decided to head to Doncaster for the day.

It is hubbies favourite shopping centre and I dont really mind it all that much – it has all of our favourite stores and it is clean and parking is always a breeze, even in the later part of the morning (you just hve to know which area to head for).

We went to Pandora and bought me a couple of new charms….I love them!  I have been wanting them for a little while.  I will take pictures of them tonight and post them 🙂  They are soo very lovely!  Then whilst waiting to pay – we found a little viking charm!!!! So damn cute I had to have him as well.  As it currently stands – I think I need maybe…6 more charms and I will be full bracelet, which means I can start on my next one!!  hehehe

So we then walked around a little bit, had a look at a few shops and I bought a pair of sunnies – finally!!  They are very nice and will be awesome for our sydney trip as I did not want to drive for 8 hours without sunnies…would be horrific!  Ralph Lauren I think is the brand – and nowhere near the price I thought they would be to be honest…less than 150…is that good ?  i have no idea – I just liked the style!

Then  of course the big purchase – TWO NEW IMACS!!!!!! oh yeah baby!!  Pretty excited about them actually! They are very nice and they will look lovely on our new desks…must remember to take a picture of all these new bits and pieces!

So we finally get home after all that and attempt to set up the desks and clean out the current room!  What a mess!! Hubby had to reset his mac as we were not sure which one had the RAM upgrade, anyway long story short – the desks got built, the macs got set up and the dining table looks like a bomb has hit it 🙂

Will be cleaning the entire place tonight anyway as we have dinner tomorrow night with everyone 🙂

 

***edited to add

WOW, I thought I hit the post button – i didn’t…so here it is then…a little late though 😀

What a bloody day!!!!

OK, so I took my car to be serviced yesterday because it was having issues with the world.  I got a phone call this morning telling me it was just a system issue because the computers in cars now control all the sensors – so if the software is unhappy the sensors are unhappy and therfore my engine is unhappy.  😦  I am therefore unhappy!!

Then I got a phone call that our finance is approved – I just need to send in a certificate of currency on our home insurance….will be calling them tonight as I am pretty sure they are open until 11pm. I am going to email it to them and it means our finance should be ready by Monday/Tuesday!!  YAYA!!!  So we can pay off the cars and have money every fortnight now!!  Then I can focus on our bike licenses and then well…just see what happens from there!

Grabbed the mail and start opening it all, we get a letter from the Environmental Protection Agency about our VW being too noisy and having an exhaust problem we need to get checked out by specific places by the 22 june…..someone (either an EPA offical or a policeman) saw us on Flinders Street and reported us….now…not sure if you have heard a Golf GTI taking off at the lights, but it sounds like a thunderstorm in the car.  I had a giggle at t, because I am taking the car to get its service on saturday anyway, and now I have to take it somewhere else for them to confirm the exhaust is fine….fucking ridiculous!!!!!!  One of us has to get a day off work now to get this $40 check done and a certificate produced.

And then…..started munching on dinner and half my tooth fell out!!  Yeah, you know when you say for about 6 months that you need to go to the dentist and you never do,…yeah that was me….I have to go now don’t I ?!!  Trying to find a dentist is going to be a pain in the butt!!  Tomorrow, I have to pick up my car from its service, find a dentist and then call around these exhaust places and find a suitable appointment!!!

GAHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Recovery

Came out of surgery on Monday afternoon and it was a horrible recovery.  From my recollection it was about 3pm, and as I was moving onto the ward bed, I threw up on myself twice, then later about 5pm when I managed to stand up and go to the loo, I vomited again.  Since then I have been feeling constant nausea and motion sickness.

Tuesday I came home – it was the longest ride home I have ever experienced.  I was barely able to move once I got home, and plonked myself on the couch in the hopes of some relief.  Had a couple of snoozes generally just let hubby look after me.  I begged him to stay with me Wednesday as well as I was barely able to move around the house without feeling like I was going to topple over.

So Wednesday morning I woke up and still felt that way.

On the up side I have been able to keep all my food down and I have been making sure I drink lots of fluids.

I am not feeling quite so dizzy today yet, but then I have only been awake for about 20 minutes.  I need to put ear drops into my ear as well which I will attempt in a few minutes.

Apparently I looked dreadful when I came out of surgery the other day and hubby was very worried about me, he has seen me on deaths door before from surgery and I think he gets really stressed when I don’t recover all that well from it.  I agree with him though 🙂 hehehe I hope he understands how much I appreciate his help the last few days.  It has meant so much to me.  I must tell him when he gets home tonight.

Thats enough from me, U am going to attempt breakfast and then ear drops…then no idea to be honest…I am sort of sick of laying on the couch watching movies, but it is all I am really capable of doing right now…

Happy Birthday :D

Every year I write a blog post on my birthday, have done so since 2003, and sometimes they are full of hope and life and excitment, other times they are filled with dread and despair.

This year is kind of just meh for me….the only real goal I have is to lose weight…this is going to be the year I put everything I have into it.  Every ounce of motivation, passion and hope.  I am funnelling it all into losing weight.

I don’t really feel as if I am having a birthday, perhaps I just don’t really care much about turning 33…am I 33 already?  Surely it is 32? oops, yup it is 32 😀  NICE…I added a year onto my age….that’s just WRONG!!!

I am going to be getting my bike L’s soon, as I still have a “want” to ride.  I want to lose enough weight that I can buy a nice bike and not feel huge on it and I want to be able to buy leathers that don’t make me look like the S & M version of the Stay puft Marshmallow man….All in good time of course 🙂

So to sum up my last year, I left MLC (finally), I started my degree (finally), we moved to Kyneton, we got back into our religious practices, my mother finally married the man of her dreams and got married, Hubby got some of the best birthday presents this year for his birthday, we bought a new VW and got rid of the troubled mini, we finally got rid of the old couch when it collpased, we have avoided getting any new credit cards, we have stayed on top of our bills (although no savings thanks to my pay cut), we started eating better (then kind of stopped), I lost 10kgs over Xmas with some hard work and training.

Of all these things, the only thing I am disappointed in is my lack of weight loss.  I wanted this last year to be the year when I could look back and admire my 70kg weight loss.  Looks like this will be that year instead, so I am going to push myself and ensure it happens this year!!  Next birthday I want to be able to brag and brag and brag!! 😀  Consider yourself warned.

I will be ensuring I update my weight loss/exercise blog – ponderosity.wordpress.com a fair bit more and I may add more than just my exercise for the night on there, such as PCOS weightloss challenge (which I missed this time round – so will start in August officially, and this week unofficially), food and other stuff.

Happy Birthday Onyxiia.