Photography

I am still deciding about whether or no to do an actual Diploma or something for this, but so many of the “professionals” don’t bother with it.  I am not sure I can ever get good enough without it.

Having said that the last couple of weeks I have taken some right crackers in my opinion, awesome shots.  No one seems to like them but me, and you know I am sort of ok with that.  I have been known to have…weird…taste 🙂

I took some photos today that I absolutely love, but I can’t post them anywhere as I am considering putting them into a magazine for publication.  I have never actually managed to get my stuff published, I suck, so I am almost tempted to not bother.

GAH!!  LOL Decisions 🙂

 

 

and then i wonder

Why do I bother?

Anyway, started off this week, quite good, was happy – PMTing like mental, but happy, you know how that is.

Hubby and I are looking at taking up karate – just looking at the moment, I am not entirely sure we can afford it, but we are going to do our best to see if we can. So there is a bit of a buzz in the house at the moment.

I have yet to enrol in the science course, i keep telling myself I will and then I chicken out before actually doing it.

We watched girl with the dragon tattoo and there was a very violent rape scene which I knew nothing about. Actually, there was a few other scenes in there which were along the same lines and had a very negative effect on me.  Suffice it to say I have been trying to get my head back into a better place since then as I have been plagued with old emotions.

I walked into work today and copped a serve first thing from my father and it has not stopped all morning.  I am sick and tired of being the fuck up because my step mother doesn’t leave notes on anything and I am supposed to just know what is going on with every single car.  It set me right off – i assume pmt is a huge factor – but the fact i I can’t get another job.  I am completely unemployable and I even suck at this.  My head is there and I am not going to be able to get it out for a few more days again now.

I have discovered what I think could be an awesome business idea…requires me to up my sewing skills and perhaps get someone in on the start up with me who can sew better than I can.  I am ok, not a master by any stretch, but I could certainly hold my own in some areas.  I wonder if my mother wants to be a millionaire just buy doing some sewing :p I will happily give her…hrmm…5% of the profits :p LOL

I am currently looking into getting a business started up, initially I can do it from home after normal work and weekends, then when the demand picks up I can just cut down my hours here and increase my hours sewing.   There are also some grants etc I can apply for  – sexist as they may be – i won’t say no to free money just because I am a woman..no matter how much like a prostitute it makes me feel 🙂

It is tinkering in the back of my mind and I will need to make some phone calls tomorrow on my day off and see what I need to do. I mean, my sewing machine is ok, but I will need an overlocker and an embroidery machine probably – for what i want to do, it will likely be needed.

I need to get a business name straight off so I can buy fabric wholesale though and start making stuff to advertise.  Be damned if I am going to pay full price for fabric :p

Anyway, there are positives – i just have to focus on those and tell my brain to remember that I am better than an admin assistant in a disorganised panel shop that I have absolutely no control over.

Wow missed an entire month !

Since I started blogging in 2003, I have written a blog post on every single birthday….this year I missed it. I posted on my weightloss blog, but well it wasn’t really birthday related all that much 🙂

I have missed an entire month because I have just been trying to keep my head above water and deal with the self hate I feel.

I will be honest, I am feeling that I am actually achieving something with my weight, but at the end of the day when I am in my own head all I can think of is how we can’t afford to live day to day because I can’t get a job a because I am not educated and because I can’t even figure out what I want to do as a career.

The only thing I wanted to do was underwriting and I have failed so dismally at even attempting to get into that I can’t express it in words properly.

I did apply for a junior underwriting position last night, but I am waiting to hear from the agency and I doubt I will get it. I am just that fucking crap at everything.

I chopped all my hair off and am still chopping bits off to get the look I want.

Anyway, just another depressing post about my inability to actually make something of myself!

Busy beavers

I have not written much here, as to be honest I have so much going on I just can’t find the time to care about writing posts for this blog.

I have my weightloss blog getting updated daily and my gaming blog getting updated semi-regularly, between those two things, I really have no other aspects of my life worth writing about.

I haven’t started looking for work again yet, although will be starting this coming week. I am not comfortable writing about my religious practices.  I have no other hobbies as I believe I suck at everything.  I was enjoying my photography – but then what’s the point when everyone can get out there with a camera and do their own thing. I would be keen to start dancing or singing, but so far – none of the places I have emailed have bothered to respond to my queries.  Just kind of over it.  And to be honest I don’t want to just blog about the negative all the time – it gets dull and boring and not worth reading.

I am ok though, just chugging along and focused on losing weight really.

Just one more day

I have been in a very very bad place the last few weeks, in fact I have about 6 posts that I have in various stages of completion and most are either private or drafts.

I can’t seem to feel like baring my soul anymore as I really just don’t think my heart is in it anymore.

Actually my heart really isn’t in much anymore.

I was rejected for my uni application becuase I withdrew from 3 subjects which then got marked as fails.  Essentially I am not going to be accepted to uni now as mature age entry.  The last available avenue is to sit a STAT test and attempt entry that way – but as someone who fails most exams situations, I can’t see the point.

Suffice it to say, with my inability to get a new job, or come up with a business idea or get into Uni or lose weight, or clean up the junk rooms, or find motivation to do anything – I am feeling particularly like a failure.

I am sure this will pass and all the good in the world won’t help the fact that all I can think about at the moment, is what waste of space/time/effort/money I am. 

I am sure there are many lovely things about me, that other people see in me, but honestly – it’s all bullshit – words to keep you propped up – if the good things were true – I would be in a better place…..

Don’t get me wrong, I am not judging myself on other people’s ideas of success, but I am not even succeeding on my own terms. 

I am not sure on my posting shcedule – I am sure it will happen when it feels important enought to type about….but well you all know how to get hold of me if something urgent comes up….

Who am I?

I lost sight of who I am/was/is/are….I don’t know when this happened as it clearly wasn’t an overnight thing. I think I gradually just let myself become the monster I hated in other people.

I am certain that some of it has to do with where I am currently employed and some of it has to do with our circle of friends, but in the end I have to take full responsibility for my actions and change in self.

I have begun thinking I am a failure – actually the only failure in my family and I measure that success on such material things. My little sister has a diploma, my little brother a degree and is an associate lecturer, my older brother has a trade qualification and is now an assistant manager of assessors at an insurance company, my mother has a bunch of kids that are going to go places because of the opportunities and the point is….why do i give a fuck what they are doing?

I left what was considered a good career so I could start something new and do something I actually enjoyed…my plan…all those months ago was to get a degree in a field I WANTED. Why am I measuring myself up to people that have a very different life to me?

More importantly, why am I measuring my happiness or failure based on other people’s ideas..

For example – I go to musicals, operas, recitals, orchestas – what one would consider fancy shite…I love it….that is happiness to me..some people don’t know who Nigel kennedy is or how fantastic he was live in concert – I do…I had a fantastic night, I don’t consider myself a snob for attending those functions, but I do get a kick out of talking to snobby friends who consider themselves well off and can’t really involve themselves in a conversation about music.

I also was blessed to be living out of home in my teens…my younger siblings are well old enough to have moved out – they persist on living with parents and then have the gall to argue, yell at and talk down to. You know…if you are unhappy having all your washing, cooking, cleaning and life covered, then shut your fucking mouth….You have to pay your mobile bill?!?!!? FUCKING HELL!!!! Grow up and move out!

I am also hugely lucky to have the partner I have, we don’t forbid each other from doing things, we don’t call each names, we don’t fight, we don’t suffer from greed, we support each other, we love, we live.

So what if they bank owns my house and I own the mailbox – it is my little piece of something. I have a fantastic relationship with my husband, I have 2 nice cars, pets that are as human as we can ask for, I have enough money to pay our bills – not much else right now, but we knew that would happen when I left my last job.

I have become so caught up in what others have, how they can afford to do things and spend money, how they seem to have all this stuff handed to them on silver platters…you know…I have never ever had things handed to me on platters (except for maybe my first car….poor ole CB my 1978 Holden Premier) and I have no idea why I expected that things would change for some unknown reason when i left my last job…

I made promises to myself that I would get things done when I started this new job – and I have done none of them. I didn’t lose weight, I didn’t finish my degree – although I did start – on both counts….I didn’t do what I set out to do.

I have thought of every excuse and reason as to why I can’t get a job, but in actual fact – I have made it this way by saying that I was here to lose weight and focus on a degree before leaving this job. I have to fulfil those two aspects – at least be making severe headway before I can expect anything to change.

I asked for an easy job that didn’t take my focus away from my degree, where I could work part time and be not stressed. This is that job. Yes there is stress from the yelling, but I can leave that behind knowing I don’t have to go home to it, I don’t take this work with me.

So time for me to go back to not giving a shite about what others think they have that is better than me and actually appreciating what I do have. I am a better person than I give myself credit for, I tolerate a lot more than I get credited for and whilst I am still working on my temper I have made massive improvements there as well.

It’s time for me to get back myself back and just enjoy what I have whilst I am making a massive career change and life change.

Regarding my previous post I still have no idea why hubby told me not to mention him, but as I said I will respect his wishes.

Anger and Failure

I got angry last night, first night in a while I was angry…so very angry with hubby….we went for a walk – aiming to do this running in 2 months thing happening, and when I got back I did a vlog – for about 1 minute – not even and then hubby advised not to mention him in my blogs….

Considering they get sent to 3 of our friends, which I explained, he didn’t care – I was really put on the back foot.  I don’t know why or what his issue with it is considering I have been blogging about things since 2003, he has been mentioned many many times….

I am confused, hurt and annoyed by this, but in the end they are his wishes, so this will be the last blog with him mentioned in it.  I will no longer be blogging about him, and therefore I will probably not be blogging alot as I tend to mention him a fair bit.

Onto other things I am already having a bad day, my S-mum said she would be at work early today, it’s 10:17 – and she is not here, I had some woman just ring saying she has sent photos to S-mum’s phone and can she please call back and we are out of paper in the office.  So I try to get hold of S-mum – she wasn’t planning on coming into the office today, her phone is flat and her charger is at her holiday house….so she got short with me when I said that I had no paper and that I didn’t get the ladies number because I figured she would SMS her back….

I am sick and tired of this….really…I am not in the mood today….especially when she was going to stay home so she could do some washing….how is it MY FAULT – you told some woman to sms you when your phone was flat – how is it my fault you won’t let me order stationary and how is it my fault you leave your charger at the holiday house therefore forcing you to come to work and buy another charger…

I feel like i have had PMS for the last 3 weeks straight – I am always on the edge of irritable and annoyed and feel like snapping all the time….I am not happy about it….

Climbing emotional mount everest

I am slowly climbing back up the depressive period, I found my grapple hook and snow shoes.

Nothing has changed except I have just decided to take it easy, there is something I am obviously supposed to be doing/seeing/experiencing whilst working where I am and until that comes to conclusion I will be unsuccessful in any venture I attempt.

I have been in this situation before and I think I may have brought it upon myself in some ways….

I am hoping I still have my anger issues under control but I don’t really know – I must ask hubby about it.

Blogging, life and jobs …again :)

Another of my friends has started video blogging, and I love it 🙂  I wish I had the confidence to do it…seems to be the current trend at the moment, as she is now the 4th one in 3 months to do it…I have to admit, I do like watching the blogs of friends, it really allows the watcher to feel they are seeing the truth of the situation…however my only gripe – is that my iPhone does not play private youtube videos and I cannot for the life of me figure it out….its ANNOYING!!!!

I will find a solution to that soon enough – I have confidence.

I have been  doing very little blogging of late, not because I don’t want to, but because I am just too fucking tired…if I could dictate to the computers to do it for me, then I might do it more often; but it does explain why my posts are long sometimes, because I am filling in a fair few blanks 😀

I had another agency interview on wednesday, I think it went well, fingers crossed, he said he would call me back within the week to discuss options as he needs to talk to the guys in Sydney (their main office).

I really need a job before Xmas break, as I have found out I don’t get paid whilst they close the shop – if I had annual leave I would be ok, but I don’t have any and by then I will only have about 5 days worth.  I am trying to save up money or pay off enough on the credit card that we can live through that period if  I haven’t found another job by then, however I am not entirely sure we can save anything as we are living so close to the line as it is now…..chin up, I shall have to harass my mother for money since she keeps managing to avoid paying me back :p

I am also working out an arrangement  with my sister who is also wanting to lose weight – we re going to be each others check in buddies….the rough idea at this stage is to sms each other when we have done exercise for the night, weigh in fortnightly and measure monthly or something….just so we are accountable to each other and perhaps we can go on a shopping spree together when we have achieved our collective goals 😀  the details are still to be worked out, I will try and get hold of her on Saturday to work it out in more detail, but it may work quite well.

Anyway hubby is stuck at work tonight, and doesn’t think he will even be home by 9…which is depressing….so I am going to check on my dinner as I think it is starting to get ready….love to you all.

Sick of posting about jobs

but honestly it is the thing which is on my mind as it affects so many other areas of my life in a negative way.

I have sent my resume to two good friends to review and look over and advise me about when they have a chance. One of them is like an english grammar and dictionary book walking and talking – no jokes, she is amazing – i think it is because she works in a library – perhaps she soaks it up through the skin like osmosis.  The other owns a small business about improving self for employment (among other things).

They both shot me down, the second one advising me to re-write the entire thing from scratch.  So that will be my weekend tomorrow – redoing my resume from start to finish using both of their criticisms to hopefully improve it somewhat.

I have been sick all week with a viral thing, throat infection and sinus pain – so have been feeling wonderful, but this means I am also now 2 days pay short because I have 8 days sick leave paid and I have only 1 left.  I am so run down though by the travel and depression that I am getting sicker more often again.

I have done no exercise as I have no motivation – I am so depressed about my life and my lack of, well, anything except a happy marriage, that I am feeling really pessimistic about everything.  Yeah I know I have it much better than some people in the world and I am not dealing with death or separation like some of my friends, but that is irrelevant as our own personal pain is always so much greater than what anyone else is going through – whether true or not – that is how we perceive it when we are at the bottom…well it could also just be me 😀

We have to be so careful with money now (again), watch what food we buy, how much petrol we use (hubby got a lift with friends to a BBQ because we couldn’t afford the petrol if I went with him and took our own car – the fact that I am still not 100% was  also a life saver), how much I put on the  bills each week has to be carefully planned out and in the end – I hate having money troubles.  I am not doing well with it.  I am not coping with this.  I am not able to stop crying because all I am worried about it money and how fucked I am making our lives because I can’t seem to get another job that pays more than a fucking apprentice. Yup, I could earn more as a 4th year apprentice…how the mighty have fallen considering I was earning over 55K a year ago – I am now earning less than 25k…and by less – I mean I am under 22k but was trying to make it sound better……

Yeah  that sounds even worse when I type it like that actually……I am going to have more ice-cream……