Questions about myself

I had a very long and emotional (?) chat with my best friend the other night and it was bringing up so many questions about sadness and depression and how to tell the two apart.

My friend let’s call them Z, has been on anti depressants for a little while now and has found them to be completely life changing.   No longer with bad thoughts and negative self doubt all the time.  Z was suggesting I should try them because of my PTSD it maybe will help with all the extra baggage emotionally, that I carry around.

This led me to thinking about what I am actually feeling, of course quite appropriate the next day I was reading about the Jill sentence being handed down.

I don’t particularly want to see another shrink, whilst I was working well with the one I had back in 2007, I don’t want to open up old wounds and starting with a new shrink will do that.  They will want to talk about everything again and I simply do not want to start therapy all over again.

The question I have been trying to answer since the conversation with my friend is am I really fucked up or am I just sad about the few major things in my life that are preventing me from making any progress.

That makes no sense when I read it back to myself.  But for example, I have been job hunting for almost 6 years with absolutely no luck.  The last 3 years at my previous employer I had multiple interviews for roles and I never ever got them and now i have spent almost another 3 years looking for work and have managed to have one interview in that time.

Admittedly I would take a break for a couple of months after about 6 months, but overall, I have been rejected and ignored over 1400 times.  Rough approximation of applying for 5 jobs a week on average.  Over that amount of time it drains you emotionally, that you invest hours writing resumes, preparing for interviews that never happen getting your hopes up on the phone with recruiters only to be told there is no job in the end.

I feel worthless because of the job hunting – does that make me depressed?  My worthlessness translates into other areas of my life, I feel I can’t succeed at anything, that I am crap or not intelligent enough to learn or get better.  This then makes me angry and negative about myself, which then translates into explosive anger and then sudden overwhelming remorse that I got angry at someone/something in place of myself.

I am happy I have a job, which I fell into, and it isn’t likely my parents will fire me randomly but I didn’t earn the job. I took it on to help them, it isn’t my job to keep.  I am unwanted there because it is not my business.

The job hunt leads onto other things like not earning as much money now as I used to, which means we are much more strict on what we spend and we have to save up money for months to do anything or buy necessities, this makes me feel bad about my lack of ability in finding a job.  Does this make me depressed or just sad?

All of that above sadness then translates into self hate and how it would be much easier for all involved if I wasn’t alive or around causing issues and stress like arguments and negative vibes and black clouds of doom and destruction.  Is that depression or just someone unable to claw their way out of a pit of despair?

I am unhappy with my weight now, and although easier to stay fat for PTSD reasons, I don’t want to be unhealthy anymore.  I am not a person in the fat loving movement, sorry, I am unhealthy – I don’t want to be overweight. I lack the focus and motivation to lose the weight because I keep having surgery on various things and I want chocolate to combat the general discontent I feel with the above issues.  Does this make me depressed??

I don’t understand the word and its meaning.  I don’t want to be on antidepressants because I genuinely don’t feel I am “clinically depressed”.  I am sad, very sad, and self hating a lot of the time, but does that translate into depression? It has been nearly 16 years since the rape and I think a lot of feelings of worthlessness are still tied into my emotions now, I get triggered to go back to that headspace, I need to spend more time focusing on controlling my self talk like i was taught.

Sorry just my ramblings about it. I don’t have an answer, I don’t believe I am depressed, as I said to Z last night, I will probably feel over the moon when I actually get a job offer, simply because it means someone has seen something in me that is worthwhile, but if I am being honest it will depend on the job – if it is a job I consider below me I will be upset that I wasn’t good enough for one of the more challenging roles. However,  an employer met me and thought I was good enough, so that should be good enough. I can’t see the future, but I know how I feel inside and I feel that all of this stems from 6 years of job hunting.

I hope I am right.

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Need to get it out of my head

I have been drowning in the negatives lately and I really feel I just need to vent and let it out.  As blogging has always been an outlet for me here goes.

My step-mum is having another nervous breakdown and has left the business is a right mess again – 2 years after the first one.  Yes in Jan I will have been here 2 years….god help me!!

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Running on empty

I know it has been months since I have written on this blog, the basic reason for that revolves around me not having anything positive to say about things going on in my life.  There have been positives – don’t get me wrong – but I don’t want to post about them publicly and they are not doing anything to outweigh the immensely crushing weight of not being able to get a job.

Over the last 18 months I have applied for, on average 8 jobs a week, which is almost 600 jobs in total.  To date I have had no interviews at employers at all and less than a handful (still) of agency interviews that always end the same way.

Yes I have written about it before, yes I have had my resume changed over 4 times now – each person telling me it needs to be different – none of them have had any better reaction.

I am in tears every night at my current job because of so many reasons, that I can’t really write about concisely. Suffice it to say I have never felt as completely incapable as I have in the last 12 months of this position.  In the last 3 months I have spent most of my day doing absolutely nothing because my boss will not relinquish control of every detail to anyone.

I have not managed to get any uni completed because of time travelled to my current role and I am completely incapable of being employed anywhere.

I am constantly thinking about death and wanting to die.  No, I am not suicidal – I am too chicken shit, however should a bus hit me and kill me instantly, I would not be upset about it.  I am not going to run off and take a hundred pills or anything like that.  I hate the thought of people staring at me in a hospital bed all upset because I tried and failed to do it properly, therefore making them upset.  If there was a guaranteed method, I would not have to deal with that guilt and shame I would so be on that bandwagon.

What annoys me – the reason I feel like the above is because I cannot get another job.  I can’t get interviews. I have no friends who can put me forward for positions.  I am looking at jobs in every state and even NZ.  I can’t even get call backs about call centre jobs in Perth.  I will move wherever I need to if it is a good work environment and I can actually just help contribute to the financial side of the household again.

I am not upset about any other aspect of my life, I love my life, we only have a mortgage as our debt, the credit card is paid off and clear, we aren’t behind on any bills etc, I have a fantastic husband who is my pillar and constantly tries to reassure me I am worth more than I realise, but the truth remains that I am completely unemployable.

Recruitment agencies make it completely impossible to know what the best way to do things is, if you show drive, they don’t like you, if you don’t show any, they don’t like you, if you are fat, short, curly haired, long distance, blah blah blah, it is nigh on impossible to get through to anything.

I want to die so I don’t have to constantly deal with being made to feel inadequate, dumb, unskilled, stupid and worthless.  I want to be able to just disappear and not have to hold back my tears all the time, I want to yell at recruiters, I want to get angry and I want to smash people’s faces in.  I want out.  I want out of this cycle of getting hopeful about a position and then being told I wasn’t even close. I want it to end. I want to just close my eyes and never have to deal with it again. I want to be put out of my misery because I don’t have the balls to do it myself.

I had dreams.  I don’t anymore.   I have nothing left in me to care.  Hubby says I can quit and we will make it work.  I know he is trying to help, but I don’t want to put anymore strain on our relationship because we can barely afford to pay all of our bills now.  I am completely useless and the sooner I come to grips with that the better off I will be.

Today I will walk down our local town area and see if anyone needs a kitchen hand – maybe I can get employed as a dishwasher. Although I highly doubt I will even manage to get a job doing that – it may be just a fraction harder than I can cope with.  Maybe tomorrow I will get runover by a truck or something and this will be the end.

That is the only dream I have left now, every night, I dream I die and I want to cry when I wake up because it didn’t happen.

I should go to bed, but how can I crawl in beside the most wonderful man, when I am such a failure every day?  I think this may be the last post I make on any of my blogs, I have nothing left to offer anyone and so I am removing myself from the equation.

 

and then i wonder

Why do I bother?

Anyway, started off this week, quite good, was happy – PMTing like mental, but happy, you know how that is.

Hubby and I are looking at taking up karate – just looking at the moment, I am not entirely sure we can afford it, but we are going to do our best to see if we can. So there is a bit of a buzz in the house at the moment.

I have yet to enrol in the science course, i keep telling myself I will and then I chicken out before actually doing it.

We watched girl with the dragon tattoo and there was a very violent rape scene which I knew nothing about. Actually, there was a few other scenes in there which were along the same lines and had a very negative effect on me.  Suffice it to say I have been trying to get my head back into a better place since then as I have been plagued with old emotions.

I walked into work today and copped a serve first thing from my father and it has not stopped all morning.  I am sick and tired of being the fuck up because my step mother doesn’t leave notes on anything and I am supposed to just know what is going on with every single car.  It set me right off – i assume pmt is a huge factor – but the fact i I can’t get another job.  I am completely unemployable and I even suck at this.  My head is there and I am not going to be able to get it out for a few more days again now.

I have discovered what I think could be an awesome business idea…requires me to up my sewing skills and perhaps get someone in on the start up with me who can sew better than I can.  I am ok, not a master by any stretch, but I could certainly hold my own in some areas.  I wonder if my mother wants to be a millionaire just buy doing some sewing :p I will happily give her…hrmm…5% of the profits :p LOL

I am currently looking into getting a business started up, initially I can do it from home after normal work and weekends, then when the demand picks up I can just cut down my hours here and increase my hours sewing.   There are also some grants etc I can apply for  – sexist as they may be – i won’t say no to free money just because I am a woman..no matter how much like a prostitute it makes me feel 🙂

It is tinkering in the back of my mind and I will need to make some phone calls tomorrow on my day off and see what I need to do. I mean, my sewing machine is ok, but I will need an overlocker and an embroidery machine probably – for what i want to do, it will likely be needed.

I need to get a business name straight off so I can buy fabric wholesale though and start making stuff to advertise.  Be damned if I am going to pay full price for fabric :p

Anyway, there are positives – i just have to focus on those and tell my brain to remember that I am better than an admin assistant in a disorganised panel shop that I have absolutely no control over.

Water explosions

I have been sick with a cold like thing since Thursday – including he who shall not be named – he has the sinus/cough/body thing, and I have the body/headache/cough thing.

So friday whilst we are both sitting on the couch in our own delirium, I notice Loki licking up something on the floor, immediately thinking one of them had peed, then also realising he wouldn’t be licking it up if that was the case.

Ran into the bathroom to find the pipe in the vanity unit had burst an d water was rushing out – covering now the entire en suite, bedroom and start of the entrance hall in water.  the en suite had about 2 inches, the bedroom was almost floating and the water was making its way to the lounge room and TV.

every towel I owned was thrown down to prevent more heading for the lounge and we both started mopping up the water – including towels we borrowed from a friend.  The insurance company was really fast and got someone out here at about 7pm to start sucking up the water, he left a blower to dry out the carpet – as it was clean water and not sewage or something, they say it can just be dried and cleaned – especially since they got on to it as fast as they did.

So all our bedroom furniture is in the lounge room – thanks to another friend coming out to help us move everything – we are sleeping on couches and floors.  Last night, I went to sleep on the floor of the spare bedroom ( I don’t like the fold out sofa – it hurts my back), and i noticed the floor in there was wet.

We emptied out the cupboard and a few thing have water damage now – a very old suitcase, a picnic basket/backpack thing which I cannot wash so likely will be mouldy soon, a hand painted oil picture of my parents wedding has been wet up to the middle – appears no damage to  the actual image and mainly just the backing – but can’t be sure until it dries out. By the time we got to bed it was about 2:30am….we didn’t want to sleep in that room either because the water had been left a two days and anything could be developing in there…

I did notice the back of the vanity cabinet was wet – and I did not think at the time to check if it has gone through to the other room –  so now I am concerned there could be structural damage – which would add more costs to this whole thing.

This week was going to be our first on a new budget – and as usual I can’t get a fucking break….anything in my world that can fuck up – will fuck up – and i am so at the end of my tether I can barely function.  I am so close to losing the plot entirely and losing my shit. I don’t see the fucking point of trying…I don’t fucking want to deal with this fuming shit they call a “life”.  I think I must already be dead because this is my private fucking hell.

I am currently waiting for this cleaner to come back so we can show him the further damage as per the instructions from the claim handler this morning when I called to advise we found more damage.

Just one more day

I have been in a very very bad place the last few weeks, in fact I have about 6 posts that I have in various stages of completion and most are either private or drafts.

I can’t seem to feel like baring my soul anymore as I really just don’t think my heart is in it anymore.

Actually my heart really isn’t in much anymore.

I was rejected for my uni application becuase I withdrew from 3 subjects which then got marked as fails.  Essentially I am not going to be accepted to uni now as mature age entry.  The last available avenue is to sit a STAT test and attempt entry that way – but as someone who fails most exams situations, I can’t see the point.

Suffice it to say, with my inability to get a new job, or come up with a business idea or get into Uni or lose weight, or clean up the junk rooms, or find motivation to do anything – I am feeling particularly like a failure.

I am sure this will pass and all the good in the world won’t help the fact that all I can think about at the moment, is what waste of space/time/effort/money I am. 

I am sure there are many lovely things about me, that other people see in me, but honestly – it’s all bullshit – words to keep you propped up – if the good things were true – I would be in a better place…..

Don’t get me wrong, I am not judging myself on other people’s ideas of success, but I am not even succeeding on my own terms. 

I am not sure on my posting shcedule – I am sure it will happen when it feels important enought to type about….but well you all know how to get hold of me if something urgent comes up….

really?…

Some days I should just not get out of bed.

I was actually  a little annoyed by the time I got home yesterday because I spent the entire afternoon picking at a scab, as it were, and running things over in my head repeatedly.

The situation…..

I don’t work fulltime, as far as I know because they can’t really afford to pay me, so I work 4 days a week and sacrifice a days pay – so…yesterday afternoon I had to help my S-mum pay $1052 for a pendant.   That’s almost 12 weeks pay for that extra day I could work….and I know it doesn’t sound a lot, but then neither does the contemplation of dropping $40k on jewellery – but not being able to pay me…

What’s even weirder is that she is now trying to get a part time job somewhere else to help them pay out their tax…nvm the one month holiday to the US they are taking next month…..

Yes, I thought about this all evening and it just made me sad….I got over the annoyance and was just sad about it.  Sad for her, sad for dad…pitying them I suppose….