Running on empty

I know it has been months since I have written on this blog, the basic reason for that revolves around me not having anything positive to say about things going on in my life.  There have been positives – don’t get me wrong – but I don’t want to post about them publicly and they are not doing anything to outweigh the immensely crushing weight of not being able to get a job.

Over the last 18 months I have applied for, on average 8 jobs a week, which is almost 600 jobs in total.  To date I have had no interviews at employers at all and less than a handful (still) of agency interviews that always end the same way.

Yes I have written about it before, yes I have had my resume changed over 4 times now – each person telling me it needs to be different – none of them have had any better reaction.

I am in tears every night at my current job because of so many reasons, that I can’t really write about concisely. Suffice it to say I have never felt as completely incapable as I have in the last 12 months of this position.  In the last 3 months I have spent most of my day doing absolutely nothing because my boss will not relinquish control of every detail to anyone.

I have not managed to get any uni completed because of time travelled to my current role and I am completely incapable of being employed anywhere.

I am constantly thinking about death and wanting to die.  No, I am not suicidal – I am too chicken shit, however should a bus hit me and kill me instantly, I would not be upset about it.  I am not going to run off and take a hundred pills or anything like that.  I hate the thought of people staring at me in a hospital bed all upset because I tried and failed to do it properly, therefore making them upset.  If there was a guaranteed method, I would not have to deal with that guilt and shame I would so be on that bandwagon.

What annoys me – the reason I feel like the above is because I cannot get another job.  I can’t get interviews. I have no friends who can put me forward for positions.  I am looking at jobs in every state and even NZ.  I can’t even get call backs about call centre jobs in Perth.  I will move wherever I need to if it is a good work environment and I can actually just help contribute to the financial side of the household again.

I am not upset about any other aspect of my life, I love my life, we only have a mortgage as our debt, the credit card is paid off and clear, we aren’t behind on any bills etc, I have a fantastic husband who is my pillar and constantly tries to reassure me I am worth more than I realise, but the truth remains that I am completely unemployable.

Recruitment agencies make it completely impossible to know what the best way to do things is, if you show drive, they don’t like you, if you don’t show any, they don’t like you, if you are fat, short, curly haired, long distance, blah blah blah, it is nigh on impossible to get through to anything.

I want to die so I don’t have to constantly deal with being made to feel inadequate, dumb, unskilled, stupid and worthless.  I want to be able to just disappear and not have to hold back my tears all the time, I want to yell at recruiters, I want to get angry and I want to smash people’s faces in.  I want out.  I want out of this cycle of getting hopeful about a position and then being told I wasn’t even close. I want it to end. I want to just close my eyes and never have to deal with it again. I want to be put out of my misery because I don’t have the balls to do it myself.

I had dreams.  I don’t anymore.   I have nothing left in me to care.  Hubby says I can quit and we will make it work.  I know he is trying to help, but I don’t want to put anymore strain on our relationship because we can barely afford to pay all of our bills now.  I am completely useless and the sooner I come to grips with that the better off I will be.

Today I will walk down our local town area and see if anyone needs a kitchen hand – maybe I can get employed as a dishwasher. Although I highly doubt I will even manage to get a job doing that – it may be just a fraction harder than I can cope with.  Maybe tomorrow I will get runover by a truck or something and this will be the end.

That is the only dream I have left now, every night, I dream I die and I want to cry when I wake up because it didn’t happen.

I should go to bed, but how can I crawl in beside the most wonderful man, when I am such a failure every day?  I think this may be the last post I make on any of my blogs, I have nothing left to offer anyone and so I am removing myself from the equation.

 

Climbing emotional mount everest

I am slowly climbing back up the depressive period, I found my grapple hook and snow shoes.

Nothing has changed except I have just decided to take it easy, there is something I am obviously supposed to be doing/seeing/experiencing whilst working where I am and until that comes to conclusion I will be unsuccessful in any venture I attempt.

I have been in this situation before and I think I may have brought it upon myself in some ways….

I am hoping I still have my anger issues under control but I don’t really know – I must ask hubby about it.

Halloween

Extra long weekend for me, the parents didn’t open the shop today, and as it is cup day tomorrow I get 4 days off for the price of one.  Got to love that!

I have done the whole halloween decoration thing – well not whole, but a fair bit and I have lollie bags all set for tonight, I am going to get my blue dress and cloak out and put on some heavy witch like makeup and pretend (?) that I am a witch for halloween 🙂 I hope we actually get some kids after all this effort I am going to!!  Would be horrid if no one knocked on the door!!

I have an agency interview on Wednesday in the city – I really hope they have something I can apply for as my parents may be selling their business and I will be jobless and pretty quickly homeless if i can’t find anything.

I attempted to make a chocolate ripple cake on the weekend and it sort of worked, probably not going to be one to add to my favourite recipe lists, but it would probably suffice in an emergency situation.

 

Anger management

I have been writing very little still as most of it is not publishable in my eyes.

I have been doing badly with the anger management the last few days (perhaps a week). I have been feeling snappy and irritable, I have advised hubby and anyone around me at the time – and I have made a concerted effort to not let it get the better of me as I am at least now aware of it…but it is just so frustrating to be constantly battling with things that are making me stressed enough to feel snappy.

I know my work is a major part in that – as much as I love my father, he has a temper like a wounded bull and I am not used to working in an environment where people yell constantly about everything  – I hated my old job – everyone knows that – but compared to this – it was a relative heaven of peace and quiet.

I have basically been told to work 4 days a week – one day as unpaid – and so that has dropped our income even further below what we need to live.  They basically can’t afford to pay me – and I am by no means earning all that much…this is also weighing on my mind as I seem incapable of finding other employment to bring our income back up to a more managable level.  I seriously just want to cry – but can’t because I want to be strong and put the brave face that everything is ok and that I have it much better than a large percentage of the population….but…let’s face it…this is my reality and I have to deal with the fact that we are sort of screwed financially because I am  unemployable.

We are heading to Tassie tomorrow and I am not sure we should really be going as we are cutting it fine with money, but no refunds are available.  I had forgotten in all my calculations we needed to get the car serviced as it was almost 7k over (especially before travelling around Tassie) and that chopped $550 out of our budget for the trip.

I have asked hubby to write a post about the changes he has seen in me and my anger management so I can have an objective view.  He has sort of agreed but not really yet…so I will have to pin him down on that 😀

I want to get into exercise, but I am so physically and mentally drained from work that I don’t have anything left when I get home. Viscious cycle.

I really can’t be bothered writing any more as it just makes me depressed.  So I am going to stop here before the tears start and can’t be stopped.

Treading water

I have done a few posts lately and then just not finished them or have kept them private – there is all together too much whinging, anger and emo in them.

I am feeling overall, positive about everything – but beneath it is the lurking suspicion that I am not really aware of reality.  I have my version of reality and everyone else is in another one.  I have to some how deal with this issue as it is causes problems in my own life.

I am still applying for jobs and harrassing the recruitment agencies I am listed with – of the 3 of them – I have made a phone call a week to the recruiter and have been lucky to get a return phone call in 2 weeks.  I am becoming increasingly assured that recruiters don’t actually do any work or that I am completely unemployable.  Since I know I can work, and have done in the past – I can only assume the first statement is therefore true.

Hubby is telling me to keep my chin up and that it will work out – he went through a bad unemployment spell before landing his current employer so he remembers how it feels.  It is just so disheartening to not even be given interviews – not even at agences either when I apply for jobs or ring them about sending my resume through….just complete silence even when I have been calling them.

It is hard.  So hard.  With the amount of jobs out there and the unemployment rate so low how can it be so hard to get a job?  I don’t think I will ever understand how they come up with figures that are so obviously distorted.

We have AWC in a couple of weeks, so a few days in Tassie might give me a little re-charge in batteries.  It will be nice to get away from everything here and not worry about things.  Hubby managed to get a two week break basically at the same time, he hasn’t had a proper long break in a very long time so it will be very good for him.

My plan to lose weight before my next birthday is not going anywhere – I have discovered though – I need to go to be by 10pm to be able to get up at 5am without too much issue….but it is the going to bed at 10 I am struggling with.  I just lose so much time travelling that I stay up later to feel that I have some semblence of time.

So this weekend I am going to try it out..I want to get up at 5.30 and see if I can do a good workout in 30 minutes therefore allowing me time to get through the shower and ready to leave by 6.30 at the absolute latest.  That’s my plan anyway 😀

I better run anyway, since I am at work – I am sure going to get a few phone calls etc so don’t have time to type 😀  BYE

How do we keep going?

I am really, really deflated.  I basically have 1 month to find a job as we are now out of funds.  The bills all just got pulled so we have a window of a month before things are going to start bouncing.

Centrelink can’t help because hubby earns to much, I am thinking about pulling out the superannuation papers and seeing if I can claim financial hardship, will do that today.  I am also going to help my dad at his shop with some paperwork.  My step mum is not well at the moment and his office assustant is having trouble keeping up with all the interruptions.  So he will be paying me as well, so fingers crossed I can do that until I have a job to go to, and I don’t know how much he will be paying me.

I am going to consider getting my RSA and RCG in the next couple of weeks…only costs about 100 bucks but that will open up more opportunities for employment in pubs/casino etc.

I am so highly stressed at the moment I really just can’t describe it.  I just want a job.  I did not think trying to get one would prove to be so difficult.  Today I will start applying for jobs in the insurance industry as well, it was always my last resort and one i did not want to do.  I really don’t want to!

I hate myself for doing this to my life and to my hubby. I was stupid to think that my experience and skills would count for anything.  I was so dumb to think that I could even get temp work.  I am just proving consistently how stupid I am.