Getting back in the game

The last couple of weeks I have been trying to get my head back in the game. Not be such a whinging little cow and make my life mean something to me again.

I am not telling my friends and family about this (aside from those who read this of course) as I don’t want to fail again in their eyes.

Because I don’t have a GPA at the moment with the one HD and 3 fails, I have decided to enrol back into study – I am not going to enrol into a degree at this stage, just a module at a time.  I will try as much as possible to stick with the one university and the one degree course for the modules.

I am currently looking at doing science. I know – another change – however as I said to hubby a few nights ago…I never really considered science seriously because I don’t feel that I am smart enough.  From a chemistry standpoint, I certainly am not. However I loved biology, genetics, and cells in high school  From my recollection I did quite well on those projects. Perhaps my mother will remember better than I do.

I also had quite a few career choices I was interested in that were science based like Vet, Nurse, CSIRO research etc..I remember those desires vividly. Why did I let them fall by the wayside – because I wasn’t good at chemistry? Seems silly to me now.  I think I thought all science was the same and really it isn’t is it?

Anyway, I can do intro science, see how i like it, see what happens.  The modules I looked at all have Melbourne based on campus learning for one week of the study period, mornings only, so I can manage that with no extra money for flights etc.

I want to make my parents proud, I want to make my hubby proud, I want to make myself proud.  I am not a dole bludger welfare mother, so yes I could be proud of that fact, but I want more from my life and I am the only one who is going to be able to get it.

I have not yet enrolled as I still freak out every few days about my cockiness – who in the hell do I think I am?  Me – do science…please, it would be like watching a horse trying to waltz!!  Anyway, I am working through those thoughts 🙂

Next, a blogging friend, who I have been following for a while now, has done me something that has given me such a boost of love and confidence.  There are a few of us in the WoW blogosphere that are in love with Chibis. They are cute little characters drawings of our in game toons.  They are so gorgeous you honestly want to just die.  Think of the cat from Puss in Boots with the big round eyes cute 🙂  Anyway, I have made comment a few times on how wonderful they are…I will get one ordered soon! Well I have a few toons I would love to get a couple done.  In the end she told me last night – she had one ordered for me!!  OMG! I don’t know which of my toons, likely my mage, but honestly I was floored!

It has made me feel so special that she has got one ordered for me. I really can’t put it into words how special.  I must do something to repay the kindness she has shown me.  Once I receive it, I have to make a lovely post, but I can’t formulate words correctly at the moment, I don’t know of anything that I could do which would say how I really feel about it.  It is more than just a chibi to me.

 

What a fucking shitty week…

Not for me, but for my friends in Sydney…There seems to be far too much hurt happening and there is nothing I can do about it to help them except offer support via email and phone etc.

One of my besties in Sydney let her mum just over 4 months ago, now her step dad has just passed as well due to cancer.  Her brothers have now lost both parents within such a short period and I just have no words to express my sorrow.

The painter at work lost his dad 6 months ago, and 2 weeks ago, lost his mum as well.  He also lost a brother last year.

Another friend in sydney lost her sister earlier this year and has just announced she and her husband of 12 years are separating due to differences. They have 2 children and she is moving back to her parents place in another state.

Another friend in Sydney has advised she s seeking fertility advice as she and her husband are having issues falling pregnant.

And to keep it going, another friend in Sydney has just lost his mother – 2 weeks ago and that is obviously still very fresh for him.

I lost someone this year that wasn’t overly close to me on a personal level, but on a religious level she meant a great deal to me as she was the introduction to the path I now follow.

These last few months have been horrible for all my friends and I just cannot understand how it can happen to so many people at once.  When summed up like this I just feel so completely horrible that I am not on the phone with them and attempting to make them feel better, but what do you say to someone who is dealing with this kind of raw emotional output.

I just wish I was closer to these people, both territorially and emotionally so the support I offer could be useful….

Negative Self talk

So, it has been 2 months since I got a handle on my anger…I have to push people to tell me if they have noticed a difference, however they are saying there is, so I guess that is a good thing.  Not sure why I was expecting people to just offer me support and congratulations on getting it under control…thinking about it – it probably isn’t something you would say to friends??  *shrugs* No idea…just feels a little like no one has noticed the effort I am making for myself and for others in my life.

The above paragraph is essentially the focus of my next issue – negative self talk….Hubby asked me why I always say negative things about myself and I know why I do it, but he was not impressed when I tried to explain it, so i just got upset and cried.

I would say 85% of the stuff that comes out of my mouth is immediately shot down as being incorrect, stupid, and just plain dull.  My opinions on an issue – are still my opinions…whether you agree with me or not – but there is no need to shoot me down because you experienced something different or see it differently.

If i don’t know about a topic – I shut my mouth – ask me about politics or football and I will stare at you blankly like you just came from an alien space shuttle….I have no idea…If I have any experience with/about/from something I will try and contribute to the discussions.

Yes I have been known to be very cynical, and I do try and make fun of everything, I also like to make people laugh and see a different side of things.  I don’t engage in conversations about the exact same topic weekly – sorry I have nothing to add after the first 8 times we discussed it….politics, education, drivers, the stolen children, etc etc….I really don’t care what Julia Gillard did or didn’t do – you’re pretty lucky I even know who she is…and talking about her every time we see each other doesn’t really give me anything to talk to you about.

So from what I have been thinking about since the conversation with my husband is this:

  1. I have too many friends who consider themselves intellectuals, however are only able to converse about 3 topics repeatedly.
  2. I don’t have enough friends who actually want to just talk shit and joke around and laugh about life, fats and sex…
  3. I need to find more friends with interests that more closely align with me so I can share with them.
  4. I need something in my life that I can do (hubby has multiple things he does outside of our relationship – I have nothing).

I also somehow need to deal with the fact that anything I say is considered crap or not important…I need to remind myself of all the positive things I have done and said that have helped not only myself, but others.

This will be my next challenge to have faith in my abilities, knowledge and depth.

 

Someone get me in the time machine – i lost my weekend??

WOW!  It just disappears so quickly!!

I had a huge weekend and I am sooo tired now…I feel like I need a holiday 🙂

So my mum was going to drag the entire brood up to my place for a lunch/afternoon thing and I was pretty excited to be hosting..however I didn’t get to make anything overly exciting as I knew the kids were having issues adjusting to the aussie food.  IN the end a BBQ with some salads was the most non offensive food I could figure 🙂

We learnt some things, the kids liked my coleslaw; also avocado’s and cucumbers.  So mum has a few more things she can serve them without too much fear of being shot down!

The short version of them finally eating though – my mother waited over 4 hours for the hire car she was supposed to pick up at 9.00am.

We had a plan they would get to our place by about 11am, then would stay until about 4sih; i figured anyway – I had advised mum that hubby had organised a dinner thing for us and we had gotten our wires cross as sometimes happens – however I knew mum didn’t like driving at night especially in a forgein car so I figured the timing would be fine….of course nothing does go to plan…they didn’t get to our place until nearly 2.45pm…ouch…so we stuffed them full of food and then booted them out at 5.30!!  LOL

I do feel slightly guilty about that, but under the circumstances it was all I could do.

The kids are terrified of my animals, they eventually managed a pat or two…that will certainly have to be corrected if I am ever going to babysit them for my parents…HAHHAHAAH  maybe!!  Don’t get your hopes up mum!

Anyway, the family left, hubby and I stuffed everything into a bag ad then left the house as well – probably before my parents had reached the freeway 😀  We then had an absolutely awesome evening and at about 9.30 I just crashed and had to be taken home to go to bed!

One of our friends, currently living in Warnambool, came round at about 10.00 and crashed at our place so she didn’t have to drive home again.  It was so nice to catch up with her as we just don’t see her enough.

Then Sunday morning we had a massive breakfast with our friend and it was 1pm before she left and before we even noticed that it was that time.  We spend so much tme chatting that it just gets later and later 😀

of course once she pottered off home, I had to do some housework…YUCK!!!  I am seriously thinking about the maid idea 😀 I really am!!  I am also seriously considering buying a dishwasher as well after the dishes on Saturday 😀

All in all I am bushed but in a very nice way, spent lovely weekend with both family and friends – what else can you ask for?

Death and opening doors

I was notified last night someone from my past, that meant a lot to me, passed away 2 days ago.  her lungs collapsed in hospital, she was a very sick lady, even when I knew her, so it doesn’t really come as a shock per se, but it is still a shock in a sense…

We will never have the chance to mend the breach she created, not that I believe she would have ever apologised but whilst she was alive the chance was perhaps always there.

Anyway I am glad she is no longer suffering and I wish her well into the Summerlands.

From her passing an old friend has gotten in contact with me via Facebook.  I posted on my friends wall and this other person saw it and messaged me.  She was a long time friend of my dead friend and they also had a massive falling out.  We both have mutual scars but we got along really well and I am happy to have had some contact with her.

I will be calling her this afternoon to have a quick catch up and see how she is doing, she is devastated by the loss, and I am not sure how well she will cope with it, she was always a little exuberant 😀  Losing someone so dear to her, will not go down well with her.

The world is funny how it works.

I am hoping the Sydney crew keep me in the loop about the funeral arrangements, not that I have intentions to go, but I would like to light a candle for her in remembrance.  She was a mentor to me in my youth and she taught me may valuable lessons about betrayal, friendship and trust – that should always be remembered.

Busy weekend :)

So my weekend is going to consist of cooking and cooking and then just for something different, cooking  😀

I am going to make Tiramasu today and I have to get the coffee right….I need to really soak the cake in the coffee mixture, but I really don’t know how to do that without it all just crumbling….Hubby wants the cake to be really soft and coffee covered and each time I have made it, the coffee doesn’t soak down into the cake enough…so it can end up a little dry and, well, cake like…

I have some friends coming round for dinner, so also need to cook soemthing for them…no idea what yet, I will start going through recipes shortly to find something suitably yummy 🙂

Then tomorrow I am having more friends around (perhaps – not yet confirmed) and I have to think of something else to make…but also if I should make a desert or if there will be enough Tiramsu left over ( I don’t think so)..so perhaps I make a black forest cake…YUMMO!!

SO I have to go to the supermarket shortly (once recipes are decided upon) and get everything sorted out.  hey also have to be cheap meals..HAHAH  Not too many requirements…You know I could always do a staple like lasagne..mmmmmmm  lasagne….

Bye bye!!

Update on my ear

Sorry for all the posting I am doing today/tonight.  I am just really not wanting to get off my new mac 🙂 HAHHAH

I had my post up follow up today for my ear, and the Dr said it is healing very well.  The only problem there is some sponge which has kind of stuck itself to my ear, so now that hehas most of th esponge out, I have to put about 5/6 drops into my ear, 3 times a day in the hopes it dissolves and loosens it better. Fingers crossed really.  Must remember to put some in shortly. Perhaps make a chai to go with it.

I also found out I have some of this sponge behind my ear drum, which will probably take about 3/4 weeks to completely dissolve and explains why I am still not able to hear very well.  I have to admit I can hear better since he took the majority of the sponge out, although I still have trouble if there is too much background noise…very annoying since there is always some sort of noise.

I also did some study tonight and hubby somehow managed to wade through all the crap on the dining table and completely clear it of everything on there. I am so very impressed.  It just means less work for me tomorrow.

I am running errand day tomorrow…I have to go to highpoint, then get the car checked for this ludicrous EPA fine thing, then make some phone calls which have to be during normal business hours of 9-5 (which is difficult at work due to the nature of the office) and then I have to get some groceries for our dinner guests etc and I just decided with a day like that I would just not go into work and take it as unpaid.

Hubby is sitting behind me looking up law degrees and I am so very proud of him for taking the step into investigating this. I really do hope he finds a degree/uni that is suitable. I would love to see him do something he wants to do as a career and not just something he fell into and happens to be good at. let’s face it, as I have said before, he is excellent at anything he does…it drives me mental sometimes, but it just means I have complete confidence in his ability to pick up something like law and make it a successful career. Could be very interesting times ahead if we are both studying degrees!! Imagine exam time…EEEEEK!

Tomorrow is one of my best friends mothers funerals.  I have not responded to her general status updates on fb and such as (and I could be very wrong) she is well aware there is nothing anyone can say that will make this easier for her.  However I know she is a write at heart and so to be updating at least gets it out there for her, whether people respond or not.  She knows we are here for her and she knows the extent to which any of us would go for her at the drop of a hat should she need anything.  I just don’t think it needs repeating and I certainly feel a little selfish for constantly repeating it to her.  Almost like I am saying it to make myself feel better about her feeling so awful….Not sure I explained that very well.  I know tomorrow is going to be truly horrible for her with everything she is going through and it is never nice to bury someone you love (on any level).

If you read this sweety, please just breathe and remember that she is no longer in that body but standing with you, as B will be. Draw on his strength, that’s why we have companions in life and love.

Anyway, I am going to make myself a chai and then sit down and fall asleep on the couch.  I am beat.