Negative Self talk

So, it has been 2 months since I got a handle on my anger…I have to push people to tell me if they have noticed a difference, however they are saying there is, so I guess that is a good thing.  Not sure why I was expecting people to just offer me support and congratulations on getting it under control…thinking about it – it probably isn’t something you would say to friends??  *shrugs* No idea…just feels a little like no one has noticed the effort I am making for myself and for others in my life.

The above paragraph is essentially the focus of my next issue – negative self talk….Hubby asked me why I always say negative things about myself and I know why I do it, but he was not impressed when I tried to explain it, so i just got upset and cried.

I would say 85% of the stuff that comes out of my mouth is immediately shot down as being incorrect, stupid, and just plain dull.  My opinions on an issue – are still my opinions…whether you agree with me or not – but there is no need to shoot me down because you experienced something different or see it differently.

If i don’t know about a topic – I shut my mouth – ask me about politics or football and I will stare at you blankly like you just came from an alien space shuttle….I have no idea…If I have any experience with/about/from something I will try and contribute to the discussions.

Yes I have been known to be very cynical, and I do try and make fun of everything, I also like to make people laugh and see a different side of things.  I don’t engage in conversations about the exact same topic weekly – sorry I have nothing to add after the first 8 times we discussed it….politics, education, drivers, the stolen children, etc etc….I really don’t care what Julia Gillard did or didn’t do – you’re pretty lucky I even know who she is…and talking about her every time we see each other doesn’t really give me anything to talk to you about.

So from what I have been thinking about since the conversation with my husband is this:

  1. I have too many friends who consider themselves intellectuals, however are only able to converse about 3 topics repeatedly.
  2. I don’t have enough friends who actually want to just talk shit and joke around and laugh about life, fats and sex…
  3. I need to find more friends with interests that more closely align with me so I can share with them.
  4. I need something in my life that I can do (hubby has multiple things he does outside of our relationship – I have nothing).

I also somehow need to deal with the fact that anything I say is considered crap or not important…I need to remind myself of all the positive things I have done and said that have helped not only myself, but others.

This will be my next challenge to have faith in my abilities, knowledge and depth.