Too hard to think of a good title

I am still waiting to hear back from my last interview…they advised roughly 2 weeks before they would respond to people so this week marks 2 weeks since my interview.

I have been trying to remember to have my phone with me and not on silent in the hopes I get that phone call  or email soon.

Christmas is coming up and we have no solid plans as yet except we have to be home for Boxing day BBQ that happens every year at a friends place. Contemplating going to visit the father in law for Xmas weekend – still undecided and if we stay home hubby wants to go to the local botanical garden and have a picnic lunch if weather permits.  His mother will likely have to attend as well.  I have no idea if my mother and her muslim tribe are planning on doing anything – I do normally try and drag  my mother to whatever I am doing for Xmas as I don’t want her to spend it alone, but this year is her first with her tribe and I am not sure what the situation is…I am sure she will tell me in due course 🙂

I am feeliing ok about things mentally, but that is because I know I cannot control anything at the moment except how i feel.  So one day at a time is how I am taking it.

I was chatting to my little sister the other day who is trying to lose weight about the entire thing and she has given me some motivation to want to as well.  BUt honestly, the exhaustion from travelling so much is winning out.  My plan over the Xmas break I am having – the shop closes for a month – is to exercise for at least an hour 2 times a day.

If those people on “the biggest loser” can lose 10kgs a week by excercising all day for 3 months then I am going to give it a darn good attempt as well.  I have a bike and my workout room and I can walk etc as well…but I am hoping that after a solid month I will have started to develop the habit almost and it will be easier to just keep it going…espeiclaly if I have started to actually drop kilo’s.

Anywa, back to work I suppose hey?  It’s been really quiet at work this week. The phones have been dead since the storm on the weekend and they only work when being diverted.

phew…made it

So after a pretty stressful week worrying about finances, we actually came out on top and I also found out that my parents are going to pay me for the holidays over Xmas…not all of them, but a week that I haven’t earned yet – which means, with the week of annual leave I have saved, we will really only be slightly out of kilter….and we can use the credit card.  I won’t be needing to go to work, although hubby will be, so we won’t be saving all that much petrol, but we will be saving money on my train tickets and lunches….

So in the end – we are ok – as always…I didn’t pay any bills thanks to the hot water tank, so I will be doing my best to get to them this fortnight….

But, if nothing else, this has been a lesson with my anger management stuff.  I have found that money stress starts sending me back up the rage-o-meter.  I haven’t been snappy or yelling, but hubby advised last night that I have been grumpy the last week or so (since i discovered the no pay for a month over Xmas thing ), then trying to save and having to spend it all on a new hot water service….just caused me stress.

I have to learn to manage that, but at least I am now aware of what some of my triggers are.

I have resigned myself to the knoweldge that I will be working here for a few more months as I need to pay off my parents anyway for the week of leave they are paying me in advance.  I will apply for the odd job here and there, but I am not focused on it anymore…there is no point really given we are almost in December.

I do have an interview on Saturday – group interview – for Coles….I am not wanting to work for coles again as a check out chick, I do see it as a massive backward step in what was a developing career – however it really depends on where they decide I would fit – it was an open application for all types of jobs, so perhaps manager or assistant manager or even back office roles are up….which would not be a negative and hence why I am going 🙂

Hubby has promised me we can go and see Twilight this weekend as well, I am a little excited about that – although I barely remember the other two movies, I know the books and stories so well that I am not going to have a problem.  Mixed reviews of the movie so I am pretty sure hubby is going to want to kill me for making him sit through it all 🙂  Fingers crossed not everywhere is booked out 😀

time

it’s been a couple of hours since my last post, and I am sinking even further, I am trying to keep my spirits buoyed, but I am fighting a losing battle.

I will be sending my resume through to maccas and KFC soon the rate things are going – something i said I would never ever do…..

I am not entirely sure I should drive myself home today, as I am not thinking clearly, so I am glad I am not coming to work tomorrow.

There is nothing I can say to myself to feel better, all my self talk is completely negative and anything positive I think of is being immediately shot down with negative things that seem to make more sense.

I can’t fight anymore, and I have no more strength…not today….the last few months I have felt myself getting more and more depressed about this whole job situation and I think the phone call this morning was the camel’s back snapping…especially when I have been trying to put a good facade on the situation to ensure people don’t worry about me and my feelings….but the energy I was using to maintain that has run out…

GAH

Blogging, life and jobs …again :)

Another of my friends has started video blogging, and I love it 🙂  I wish I had the confidence to do it…seems to be the current trend at the moment, as she is now the 4th one in 3 months to do it…I have to admit, I do like watching the blogs of friends, it really allows the watcher to feel they are seeing the truth of the situation…however my only gripe – is that my iPhone does not play private youtube videos and I cannot for the life of me figure it out….its ANNOYING!!!!

I will find a solution to that soon enough – I have confidence.

I have been  doing very little blogging of late, not because I don’t want to, but because I am just too fucking tired…if I could dictate to the computers to do it for me, then I might do it more often; but it does explain why my posts are long sometimes, because I am filling in a fair few blanks 😀

I had another agency interview on wednesday, I think it went well, fingers crossed, he said he would call me back within the week to discuss options as he needs to talk to the guys in Sydney (their main office).

I really need a job before Xmas break, as I have found out I don’t get paid whilst they close the shop – if I had annual leave I would be ok, but I don’t have any and by then I will only have about 5 days worth.  I am trying to save up money or pay off enough on the credit card that we can live through that period if  I haven’t found another job by then, however I am not entirely sure we can save anything as we are living so close to the line as it is now…..chin up, I shall have to harass my mother for money since she keeps managing to avoid paying me back :p

I am also working out an arrangement  with my sister who is also wanting to lose weight – we re going to be each others check in buddies….the rough idea at this stage is to sms each other when we have done exercise for the night, weigh in fortnightly and measure monthly or something….just so we are accountable to each other and perhaps we can go on a shopping spree together when we have achieved our collective goals 😀  the details are still to be worked out, I will try and get hold of her on Saturday to work it out in more detail, but it may work quite well.

Anyway hubby is stuck at work tonight, and doesn’t think he will even be home by 9…which is depressing….so I am going to check on my dinner as I think it is starting to get ready….love to you all.

Blogging, resume, work and stuff

General update as I have been a busy beaver the last few days.

My new and improved resume is almost done.  I have been taking a beating with it and I am telling myself repeatedly to sell myself.  So be prepared for a shock when you read this – it may actually sound impressive.  If I email it to you – please feel free to ask to see my old one so you can see the obvious improvements…..I am really happy with it so far….and I still have a few things to change – especially the formatting – I am not happy with that – but I am not focused on that as yet.

Work is chugging along, nothing much has changed there, I am hoping to have another job before Xmas – I know it will stuff up any chance of having holidays if I change then, but I would rather be able to move into a new year knowing I am somewhere that I like (fingers crossed hey?!)

I briefly closed own my blogs due to some harassment I was receiving.  I have decided to just ignore the idiots that feel it is ok to say nasty things and call me names.  I have my friends and they will tell me all I need to know, and in the end – if I want to whinge on my own damn web space, I will fucking whinge, and I will rant and I will scream, and laugh and be manic and you know what???  No one can stop me.  I guess, I decided I didn’t really care who reads this space or others, I don’t blog for the public, I make it public as may be someone drops past and makes a connection with something I say, but I am not bucking for readers, or followers.  I am just putting my thoughts out there for people to enjoy or ignore as they see fit.  I lost that somewhere.  I won’t ever make posts public that I have put things into that i wouldn’t actually say to people.

I am sorry for the hassle and the change of mind, but I enjoy blogging and I enjoy having it out there for others to connect to.  So I decided to change the layouts whilst they were private 😀

I have been harassing the hubby to write me this blog post about the changes he has seen and as yet, no luck…he keeps avoiding it…maybe I am not changed like I think I am..wouldn’t that be embarrassing??  hrmmm, might have to ask him about that today 🙂

I am also playing with studio lighting etc at home, but am finding it really difficult to get the hang of my camera – you know…I just kind of suck at the whole remember technical details…I really need to spend some time just trying to improve my recall abilities….

Other than that – my exercise comes and goes as you can tell on my other blog, but I am trying to do something every second day if nothing else….since I am home today, I want to do a workout and a bike ride…here’s hoping!

Anyway, back to my resume now….I have to get this finished so I can start applying for jobs.

 

 

Sick of posting about jobs

but honestly it is the thing which is on my mind as it affects so many other areas of my life in a negative way.

I have sent my resume to two good friends to review and look over and advise me about when they have a chance. One of them is like an english grammar and dictionary book walking and talking – no jokes, she is amazing – i think it is because she works in a library – perhaps she soaks it up through the skin like osmosis.  The other owns a small business about improving self for employment (among other things).

They both shot me down, the second one advising me to re-write the entire thing from scratch.  So that will be my weekend tomorrow – redoing my resume from start to finish using both of their criticisms to hopefully improve it somewhat.

I have been sick all week with a viral thing, throat infection and sinus pain – so have been feeling wonderful, but this means I am also now 2 days pay short because I have 8 days sick leave paid and I have only 1 left.  I am so run down though by the travel and depression that I am getting sicker more often again.

I have done no exercise as I have no motivation – I am so depressed about my life and my lack of, well, anything except a happy marriage, that I am feeling really pessimistic about everything.  Yeah I know I have it much better than some people in the world and I am not dealing with death or separation like some of my friends, but that is irrelevant as our own personal pain is always so much greater than what anyone else is going through – whether true or not – that is how we perceive it when we are at the bottom…well it could also just be me 😀

We have to be so careful with money now (again), watch what food we buy, how much petrol we use (hubby got a lift with friends to a BBQ because we couldn’t afford the petrol if I went with him and took our own car – the fact that I am still not 100% was  also a life saver), how much I put on the  bills each week has to be carefully planned out and in the end – I hate having money troubles.  I am not doing well with it.  I am not coping with this.  I am not able to stop crying because all I am worried about it money and how fucked I am making our lives because I can’t seem to get another job that pays more than a fucking apprentice. Yup, I could earn more as a 4th year apprentice…how the mighty have fallen considering I was earning over 55K a year ago – I am now earning less than 25k…and by less – I mean I am under 22k but was trying to make it sound better……

Yeah  that sounds even worse when I type it like that actually……I am going to have more ice-cream……

Anger management

I have been writing very little still as most of it is not publishable in my eyes.

I have been doing badly with the anger management the last few days (perhaps a week). I have been feeling snappy and irritable, I have advised hubby and anyone around me at the time – and I have made a concerted effort to not let it get the better of me as I am at least now aware of it…but it is just so frustrating to be constantly battling with things that are making me stressed enough to feel snappy.

I know my work is a major part in that – as much as I love my father, he has a temper like a wounded bull and I am not used to working in an environment where people yell constantly about everything  – I hated my old job – everyone knows that – but compared to this – it was a relative heaven of peace and quiet.

I have basically been told to work 4 days a week – one day as unpaid – and so that has dropped our income even further below what we need to live.  They basically can’t afford to pay me – and I am by no means earning all that much…this is also weighing on my mind as I seem incapable of finding other employment to bring our income back up to a more managable level.  I seriously just want to cry – but can’t because I want to be strong and put the brave face that everything is ok and that I have it much better than a large percentage of the population….but…let’s face it…this is my reality and I have to deal with the fact that we are sort of screwed financially because I am  unemployable.

We are heading to Tassie tomorrow and I am not sure we should really be going as we are cutting it fine with money, but no refunds are available.  I had forgotten in all my calculations we needed to get the car serviced as it was almost 7k over (especially before travelling around Tassie) and that chopped $550 out of our budget for the trip.

I have asked hubby to write a post about the changes he has seen in me and my anger management so I can have an objective view.  He has sort of agreed but not really yet…so I will have to pin him down on that 😀

I want to get into exercise, but I am so physically and mentally drained from work that I don’t have anything left when I get home. Viscious cycle.

I really can’t be bothered writing any more as it just makes me depressed.  So I am going to stop here before the tears start and can’t be stopped.