Day 30 – A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself

SO last day today – it has been interesting writing these posts.

However i am very disappointed with this last question as I have nothing much I really want to write here. I have  a very long list of things I don’t love about myself…and I am pretty much struggling to think of anything to write here….

1 – my eyes

see….um…I might come back to this one day 😀

Day 29 : Something you hope to change about yourself. And why

Easy – my weight/lack of motivation to lose weight.

I wish I had more motivation to do lose it as I know that a lot of my issues stem from my weight.  To cut a very long post down to a very short one…my weight makers me uncertain of a lot of things and that carries over into too many aspects of my life.

I want to change it, but how you do get motivated when you spend 5 hours a day travelling, 8 hours working, 2 hours cooking/cleaning – and then some time vexing out from exhaustion in front of the pc.  Yeah I could get off the pc – if i could be bothered but seriously I am too exhausted – which if i wasn’t so overweight i wouldnt be so exhausted….

Anyway…its the one thing I want to change and am slowly getting there.


Day 28: What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?

If i got someone pregnant – I would be selling my story to the highest bidder and I would be letting medical science try and share the wonder 😀

If I fell pregnant, I honestly would be completely terrified of becoming a parent.

I wouldn’t say my childhood was perfect (whose was though?) however it certainly wasn’t bad, but I have scars and I wonder if I will ever be a good enough parent or if I will repeat mistakes my parents made?  I worry that my children will go through what i went through or be the cause of it. I worry that I won’t know how to ensure my children grow up with an appreciation for law, order, manners, respecting others etc.  How did my parents instil me with those values?  Is it because my parents worked and didn’t live a criminal lifestyle?

I worry about actually giving birth and having to be in pain for more than 6 minutes…I haves absolutely no pain threshold. My mother has a huge pain threshold -something I was not blessed with.  It is annoying because people really don’t understand what it is like for someone like me who has pain from the slightest tough.  You know when you go to the Dr and they bang that hammer on your knee to test your reflexes – I have bruised from that and been limping for a day afterwards,  I am pain if someone pinches me or slaps me…not the “ouch that hurt you bastard” type of joke pain, but enough to bring tears to my eyes and be spending the nest 6 hours nursing the area…..So how in hells name am I going to get through labor when everything splits and gets cut and break and snaps…..

Nope….I think I am going to go for full drugs and sedation…..maybe…..of course I might just skip pregnancy all together and just adopt a baby 🙂

Day 27: What’s the best thing going for you right now?

Of course the obvious answer to this question is my husband.  He is the best thing I have at the moment – has been since Feb 2001.

I honestly don’t believe I have anything else going for me right now..I am not in a good head space to be able to see any positives in my life aside from him – and since i feel that I am the centre of all our problems it makes it worse.

Ce la vie.

Day 26: have you ever thought of giving up on life : when and why

Refer to my previous day post as I discuss one time and the other time was a few years ago now when I was dealing with the aftermath of being raped. I know I haven’t mentioned it in these posts at all because I have mostly not wanted to discuss it all that openly, so I have been trying to find other answers to the topics.

However it is relevant to this topic. It was a horrible year, i let a lot of people down, including myself. I wanted all the hate, shame, guilt, fear and nightmares to stop. What an easy way to make it stop.

Then I would look at my hubby or he would hug me or tell me he loved me and my resolve would strengthen and I would find the strength to go on one more day. Just one more day. It was my mantra for almost 12 months.

It worked.

Day 25: the reason I am still alive

This is a really difficult topic for me as it really has several parts to it.

I am going to start with something mundane; I still haven’t decided what I want to be when I grow up. Coming from someone is well and truly past the growing up stage; I still find it quite disappointing. However, I have days when I forget how old I actually am and think I am 18 and still have an entire life in front of me, not 2/3. So on a mundane level I have no idea why I am alive or what job I am supposed to be employed in.

On a less mundane and more philosophical concept; I am still alive because my BFF came home early from a function in 1997. Hard to hear but it is true: sorry if this post causes you pain, but such is being honest. My teen years are so heavily intertwined with D that it is hard to write about past issues without her being involved. She was my rock and turned my life around in so many ways. So I do wonder if there was a greater purpose to the friendship we had and had I not fucked it up; what would our lives be like now 🙂

I am now alive because of my husband and the people I have met over the years. The the disabled, drug affected, the homeless, the psychics, the betrayers, the arrogant, the friends, the pain.

I think I am still alive because I now choose to be. There are people in the world suffering much more than me, they suffer every day; yes I have mental scars however I don’t struggle to just function each day or be able to have a shower.

My husband has given me a new focus in life and at the moment I am alive to be with him and live our lives together…whatever that brings.

Day 24: playlist

I am supposed to do a playlist to someone…with songs…of all things….

the actual statement is :Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)

I honestly can’t make up one playlist for one person, so I am going to do a playlist for people in my life – both past and present.

I hope this turns out better than it doesn’t sound :p

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