Who am I?

I lost sight of who I am/was/is/are….I don’t know when this happened as it clearly wasn’t an overnight thing. I think I gradually just let myself become the monster I hated in other people.

I am certain that some of it has to do with where I am currently employed and some of it has to do with our circle of friends, but in the end I have to take full responsibility for my actions and change in self.

I have begun thinking I am a failure – actually the only failure in my family and I measure that success on such material things. My little sister has a diploma, my little brother a degree and is an associate lecturer, my older brother has a trade qualification and is now an assistant manager of assessors at an insurance company, my mother has a bunch of kids that are going to go places because of the opportunities and the point is….why do i give a fuck what they are doing?

I left what was considered a good career so I could start something new and do something I actually enjoyed…my plan…all those months ago was to get a degree in a field I WANTED. Why am I measuring myself up to people that have a very different life to me?

More importantly, why am I measuring my happiness or failure based on other people’s ideas..

For example – I go to musicals, operas, recitals, orchestas – what one would consider fancy shite…I love it….that is happiness to me..some people don’t know who Nigel kennedy is or how fantastic he was live in concert – I do…I had a fantastic night, I don’t consider myself a snob for attending those functions, but I do get a kick out of talking to snobby friends who consider themselves well off and can’t really involve themselves in a conversation about music.

I also was blessed to be living out of home in my teens…my younger siblings are well old enough to have moved out – they persist on living with parents and then have the gall to argue, yell at and talk down to. You know…if you are unhappy having all your washing, cooking, cleaning and life covered, then shut your fucking mouth….You have to pay your mobile bill?!?!!? FUCKING HELL!!!! Grow up and move out!

I am also hugely lucky to have the partner I have, we don’t forbid each other from doing things, we don’t call each names, we don’t fight, we don’t suffer from greed, we support each other, we love, we live.

So what if they bank owns my house and I own the mailbox – it is my little piece of something. I have a fantastic relationship with my husband, I have 2 nice cars, pets that are as human as we can ask for, I have enough money to pay our bills – not much else right now, but we knew that would happen when I left my last job.

I have become so caught up in what others have, how they can afford to do things and spend money, how they seem to have all this stuff handed to them on silver platters…you know…I have never ever had things handed to me on platters (except for maybe my first car….poor ole CB my 1978 Holden Premier) and I have no idea why I expected that things would change for some unknown reason when i left my last job…

I made promises to myself that I would get things done when I started this new job – and I have done none of them. I didn’t lose weight, I didn’t finish my degree – although I did start – on both counts….I didn’t do what I set out to do.

I have thought of every excuse and reason as to why I can’t get a job, but in actual fact – I have made it this way by saying that I was here to lose weight and focus on a degree before leaving this job. I have to fulfil those two aspects – at least be making severe headway before I can expect anything to change.

I asked for an easy job that didn’t take my focus away from my degree, where I could work part time and be not stressed. This is that job. Yes there is stress from the yelling, but I can leave that behind knowing I don’t have to go home to it, I don’t take this work with me.

So time for me to go back to not giving a shite about what others think they have that is better than me and actually appreciating what I do have. I am a better person than I give myself credit for, I tolerate a lot more than I get credited for and whilst I am still working on my temper I have made massive improvements there as well.

It’s time for me to get back myself back and just enjoy what I have whilst I am making a massive career change and life change.

Regarding my previous post I still have no idea why hubby told me not to mention him, but as I said I will respect his wishes.

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3 thoughts on “Who am I?

  1. mjd says:

    Sounds like you have a pretty good persepective on things. Sometimes we just need to remind ourselves, don’t we?

    Give yourself credit for the things you’ve started. You’re allowed to be disappointed that they didn’t happen as quickly as you’d like. But don’t beat yourself up about it. There’s little value in it. A lot of people don’t have the courage to even begin.

    I think it’s great you’re getting out and seeing concerts that make you happy and inspire you. I’m trying to do more of those things as well. They’re the things you’ll look back on later in your life and be glad you did. We work so we can look after ourselves and the ones we love, and then to be able to experience those things.

    • dragonray says:

      Well I think I have great perspective on most things – I don’t always manage to express them well :p lol

      I will feel more certain of things once I find out if I accepted into uni or not…feels like limbo at the moment which heightens my stress a little and possibly explains why the post was a little all over the place 🙂 hehe

  2. Team Oyeniyi says:

    Glad to hear it. I particularly liked:

    More importantly, why am I measuring my happiness or failure based on other people’s ideas..

    I’ve no idea! Why would you do that? Do I ever do that? 🙂

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