This is a really difficult topic for me as it really has several parts to it.
I am going to start with something mundane; I still haven’t decided what I want to be when I grow up. Coming from someone is well and truly past the growing up stage; I still find it quite disappointing. However, I have days when I forget how old I actually am and think I am 18 and still have an entire life in front of me, not 2/3. So on a mundane level I have no idea why I am alive or what job I am supposed to be employed in.
On a less mundane and more philosophical concept; I am still alive because my BFF came home early from a function in 1997. Hard to hear but it is true: sorry if this post causes you pain, but such is being honest. My teen years are so heavily intertwined with D that it is hard to write about past issues without her being involved. She was my rock and turned my life around in so many ways. So I do wonder if there was a greater purpose to the friendship we had and had I not fucked it up; what would our lives be like now 🙂
I am now alive because of my husband and the people I have met over the years. The the disabled, drug affected, the homeless, the psychics, the betrayers, the arrogant, the friends, the pain.
I think I am still alive because I now choose to be. There are people in the world suffering much more than me, they suffer every day; yes I have mental scars however I don’t struggle to just function each day or be able to have a shower.
My husband has given me a new focus in life and at the moment I am alive to be with him and live our lives together…whatever that brings.