Day 28: What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?

If i got someone pregnant – I would be selling my story to the highest bidder and I would be letting medical science try and share the wonder 😀

If I fell pregnant, I honestly would be completely terrified of becoming a parent.

I wouldn’t say my childhood was perfect (whose was though?) however it certainly wasn’t bad, but I have scars and I wonder if I will ever be a good enough parent or if I will repeat mistakes my parents made?  I worry that my children will go through what i went through or be the cause of it. I worry that I won’t know how to ensure my children grow up with an appreciation for law, order, manners, respecting others etc.  How did my parents instil me with those values?  Is it because my parents worked and didn’t live a criminal lifestyle?

I worry about actually giving birth and having to be in pain for more than 6 minutes…I haves absolutely no pain threshold. My mother has a huge pain threshold -something I was not blessed with.  It is annoying because people really don’t understand what it is like for someone like me who has pain from the slightest tough.  You know when you go to the Dr and they bang that hammer on your knee to test your reflexes – I have bruised from that and been limping for a day afterwards,  I am pain if someone pinches me or slaps me…not the “ouch that hurt you bastard” type of joke pain, but enough to bring tears to my eyes and be spending the nest 6 hours nursing the area…..So how in hells name am I going to get through labor when everything splits and gets cut and break and snaps…..

Nope….I think I am going to go for full drugs and sedation…..maybe…..of course I might just skip pregnancy all together and just adopt a baby 🙂

Day 27: What’s the best thing going for you right now?

Of course the obvious answer to this question is my husband.  He is the best thing I have at the moment – has been since Feb 2001.

I honestly don’t believe I have anything else going for me right now..I am not in a good head space to be able to see any positives in my life aside from him – and since i feel that I am the centre of all our problems it makes it worse.

Ce la vie.

Day 26: have you ever thought of giving up on life : when and why

Refer to my previous day post as I discuss one time and the other time was a few years ago now when I was dealing with the aftermath of being raped. I know I haven’t mentioned it in these posts at all because I have mostly not wanted to discuss it all that openly, so I have been trying to find other answers to the topics.

However it is relevant to this topic. It was a horrible year, i let a lot of people down, including myself. I wanted all the hate, shame, guilt, fear and nightmares to stop. What an easy way to make it stop.

Then I would look at my hubby or he would hug me or tell me he loved me and my resolve would strengthen and I would find the strength to go on one more day. Just one more day. It was my mantra for almost 12 months.

It worked.

Day 25: the reason I am still alive

This is a really difficult topic for me as it really has several parts to it.

I am going to start with something mundane; I still haven’t decided what I want to be when I grow up. Coming from someone is well and truly past the growing up stage; I still find it quite disappointing. However, I have days when I forget how old I actually am and think I am 18 and still have an entire life in front of me, not 2/3. So on a mundane level I have no idea why I am alive or what job I am supposed to be employed in.

On a less mundane and more philosophical concept; I am still alive because my BFF came home early from a function in 1997. Hard to hear but it is true: sorry if this post causes you pain, but such is being honest. My teen years are so heavily intertwined with D that it is hard to write about past issues without her being involved. She was my rock and turned my life around in so many ways. So I do wonder if there was a greater purpose to the friendship we had and had I not fucked it up; what would our lives be like now 🙂

I am now alive because of my husband and the people I have met over the years. The the disabled, drug affected, the homeless, the psychics, the betrayers, the arrogant, the friends, the pain.

I think I am still alive because I now choose to be. There are people in the world suffering much more than me, they suffer every day; yes I have mental scars however I don’t struggle to just function each day or be able to have a shower.

My husband has given me a new focus in life and at the moment I am alive to be with him and live our lives together…whatever that brings.

Day 24: playlist

I am supposed to do a playlist to someone…with songs…of all things….

the actual statement is :Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)

I honestly can’t make up one playlist for one person, so I am going to do a playlist for people in my life – both past and present.

I hope this turns out better than it doesn’t sound :p

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Day 23: Something you wish you had done in your life.

I wish I had gone to Uni instead of working when I left high school.  I got into an Arts degree at the local uni – and I should have done it.  I didn’t – i deferred for a year and instead never went back – I ended up in Sydney.

My life would be very different today – and that is a choice i made – however I wonder had I gone to uni, would I have still gone to Sydney, would I have gotten a career, would I be living in germany now, would I still have met my hubby….which parts of my life are the parts that were going to happen no matter what circumstances altered it?  I will never know but it is something I wonder at all the time.

Aside from the meeting my hubby part, I could quite happily change all the rest as long as it was a better life :p hAHAHAH

Soon to be rectified by having just applied to uni – fingers crossed!

Too hot

It’s too hot for me today, I can’t sleep.  So thought I would get up and post, see if it makes any difference to my state of being.

It got to 34 degrees today and is currently approx 25 degrees, we are about 20 minutes away from the nearest weather station thing, so how far off the temp is I have no idea.  I am not a hot – or even warm – weather kind of person.  I do not cope well at all.

Anyway, I am back to work on Thursday, tomorrow being my last day on holidays and it is going to be a pretty full on day. I have a guy coming at 9am to quote us one getting security/fly screens on our doors – but the girl i booked it through reckons $600 EACH door is a bare minimum….not fucking likely thanks..I will learn how to if that is the case.

I was going to get my nails fixed, but will move that appointment to the weekend, as I have to take the new Dad to have hid driving license test. My fingers are crossed for him as this will be his third attempt I think.  They say that’s the charm right? Apparently his instructor double booked himself or something and mum can’t get the arvo off work, so I am it 🙂  Lucky for them I am still on holidays. :p  So hopefully he can stick some P plates on his car tomorrow afternoon 🙂

I also officially applied to UNE today. Honestly, I was going to go through melbourne Uni, but I had to wait until next year to start German with them as I have missed this years admission and mid year intake does not have German 101 basically.  I also had to sit a STAT test for Melb uni, which I could not find accurate information about anywhere and every time I tried to call I would get shuffled from one area to another….seems no one really knows about Mature age entry STATs….anyway it just seemed all to hard.  I can’t be bothered dancing to tunes that have no flow.

I don’t know when i find out if I have been accepted, I assume I just get an email when and if it does not doesn’t happen.  In the mean time I am going to try and find some sites or G+ groups for people learning german.  It will help to some degree I am sure 😀

There are other things appending with family that I can’t/don’t want to post about until we know more.

Not much else has really been happening really, just general life and day to day things.

Day 22: Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.

I wish I hadn’t moved back to Melbourne 6 years ago 🙂

We both made a split decision because we had been evicted from our place and the decision was to come back here, instead I wish I had asked friends if they could put us up until we had found a new place, I wish we had stayed at caravan park until we got a new place – anything….

Not to say our time here hasn’t been important – it has – I was here to support my mum through a really tough 18 months, I was back in Victoria to get training in paganism, I was here to remember why I can’t stand being this close to some parts of our families, I was here as it got us into the housing market, I was here to learn that not all expectations of families can be lived up to,  I was here for our wedding and and many other things no doubt….

I would move back to Sydney tomorrow if we could afford it and the housing costs…..

Unversity and life

So, we got a massive tax bill back from the ATO because of my HECS fees…stupidly, in my opinion, the tax office look at your heck fees over the entire financial year in conjunction with what you earn over that year.

So here is the situation, when I was working at MMLC – I was not paying any HECS  because I was not at uni, when i left there, my salary dropped below the HECS repayment amount of $45k and I started Uni, so I wasn’t paying HECS either…so at tax time – the ATO have said that I earn more than 45K over the en tire year, you owe us all the HECS you should have been paying….

I would have thought they would separate the actual salary/positions and determine it on that.  Now we have to pay back 3k to the tax man….I am not happy…neither is the hubby.  What a great big cock up that is.

Now since I owe them a huge amount (and i till owe them 1K apparently) we figured I may as well continue to build a debt and go to uni again and actually do modules that interest me.  I have to enrol asap at UNE if i want to do it via distance education as late admissions close soon and it is first in, first served.  So I know I want to major in German – but if I don’t take a second major – I have to pick 18 electives…which was easy when i was originally going through them all…I was going to have to cut some out.  However upon actual selection, i would say 50% – if not more – are not even being offered in 2012….so I have no idea what to do now as I can’t find enough subjects to fill that out to 18….the 10 that I have listed actually have some hefty pre-reqs as well which means I may not even get to them in the next 2 years – will they still even be offered at that point?

I just have no idea what to do now as I don’t want to start a course that I have to eventually end up doing crap subjects like admin and HR because nothing else I want to do is there e- it will mean I won’t finish it….

If I take up a second major – it will cut down my elective subjects to 12…which is closer to the possible 10 I have however my electives are all over the place….which i sort of what I would prefer doing…astronomy, archaeology, Art, Vikings, religions etc…..maybe i should do a dip ed …LOL….but I don’t want to be a teacher – kids are not my thing….however I don’t really want to do any of the other majors listed in the degree…there is a lot of history, and asian studies and it just doesn’t interest me…..

FUCKING helL!!!  I am so confused….