Day 9: someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted

The only person that literally springs into mind is D.  We met in grade 6 when I started at a new school and we formed a pretty solid friendship over the years that would see us through childhood, teens and then adulthood.

We were always really close.  She was the kind of person who always knew the right thing to say, she cared about people and friends.  She is like my husband in that anything she touches she is awesome at with (seemingly) very little effort.  She was musically talented, she could dance (after I taught her :p), she was an artist, she got good grades, the guys loved her and she had great fashion sense.

We were inseparable in high school, we even created a code language which we both could read and write fluently, we had plans to get married and have kids at the same time (if we ever decided to actually get married), get old together, travel together.  We had our fights as do most teenage girls, but didn’t really drag them out for long…ecept for the one in..hrm…might have been year 10 – we didn’t speak for months – the only reason I remember it was because I wrote to her mum asking her to help me apologise for whatever it was and she wrote back that she was happy we weren’t friends and that she didn’t like me.  I remember writing back a really nasty letter telling her to let D choose her own friends and that if anything D was a bad influence on me :p That was a horrible horrible time and odd.

Year 11 was our last year together at school, we both changed schools and then she went off to Sydney to study at an exclusive design school.  I was jealous of her life in Sydney and her new friends (especially when I met them and saw how close she had become to them). I was not needed in her life anymore, she had others that were more closely aligned with her life and her career and interests since moving there. They were there for her when she transitioned to this new life in Sydney, they were shoulders, dance partners, drinking buddies, confidantes (sp?), they were there to witness everything and be part of it all with her.  Spending hours on the phone catching up was the norm for a while, however it was always hard to know other people were taking my place as her best friend.

My trip to Sydney is what I consider to the the start of the end of my relationship with her.  Initially I was just going to go for a break, but when I got there and got a job really quickly – i just decided to stay in the hopes of being needed by her again.

Looking back, I was young, insecure and hurting and instead of just being honest with her, as described in other posts – I lashed out because I felt I was being rejected – and honestly I was just being self centred.

D moved back to Melbourne after a massive fight we had, the loss of her grandmother and other  issues; I was devastated and it was only recently that I let it all go and actually moved past it.  What I considered a massive betrayal on her part, was nothing more than her not coping with everything going on in her life at the time and me not giving it the full weight it was due.

That was over 11 years ago, and I still wish things had been different. We still talk, and we catchup if we are in the same state (she is not in Vic), however a part of me really wishes our relationship had never soured.  I wish we hadn’t drifted apart and that I could have been a part of her life as she changed jobs, moved states and met and married her hubby, that she could have been part of mine and that she could have been at my wedding as my maid of honour, that we could be doing things together.

I still don’t want to let her go, even though we are more acquaintances than friends now…I am going to hold onto that little piece as much as I can.