You know, sometimes, I wonder what the point is…today is one of those days.
Last night I was doing the dishes, and the water was not staying as warm for as long as I would have liked. So this morning we woke to no hot water at all. I called a plumber (another fucking day off mind you) and he thankfully came on time. He said he would be an hour and mark my words he certainly was…will definitely recommend him to anyone living in the macedon ranges!
Anyway, he said there was definitely something wrong, so he pulled out the ignition thingamodoodie and it was completely corroded from a leak inside the tank. After some discussion, basically the tank is borked and we need to replace it. To be fair the tank is 13 years old, so I get that it has run its course – and it has been a lovely hot water tank whilst we have been living here.
To replace it, we have to find a sizeable chunk of money – neither of which we have due to my lack of earnings….we just have no savings anymore as anything we did save has now been burnt through just trying to keep the bills afloat….
I asked my S-mum if I could borrow some money on monday and I would pay her back next fortnight – and she said how about i just pay your wages early….well that doesn’t help me, does it?….because then it means I won’t have money to live on next week…..it is so hard to just lend me 300 for the fortnight until hubby’s next pay which will have loadings??…. I can pay her right back….but they can go and spend money on new furniture and wine….GAH!!! frustration! The biggest problem, is they can’t bullshit to me about their money situation anymore….I know every sordid freaked up detail now.
So I had started dealing with the depression from the other night, I was starting to feel a little better, and now…well….I am just right back down at rock bottom. Another financial crisis is just what I needed right now….I just am overwhelmed with guilt, self hate and sadness….it’s a lethal combo that is really messing my head.
I just don’t understand why I keep trying to get ahead and end up 100 steps behind, why do i never get something – anything – silver plattered…where the frak is mine??? Why do I feel like i am the only stupid salmon swimming against the current???? of course with a great big frakking bear waiting to chew my head off once it has caught me…..We were trying to save money for the Xmas break as I am not going to be paid for a month – and thankfully we had started saving for that, but now…I am having to use that now and – it is all just frakked up!! I HATE …..I HATE……I HATE…..