Emo: downward spiral

Behind a cut just ignore, comments disabled…just a depressive emo moment I am sure I will get over soon….

I had high hopes for this latest job agency, A friend recommended them, and you know when that happens you sort of think highly of them.  Well yesterday evening as I was making dinner, I was struck with the certainty that I was going to call this agency today and they were going to tell me they had no jobs for me to apply for, hubby knew something was wrong but I didn’t want to stress him out and start worrying about something that had not occurred yet; however that is what happened this morning.

I was so down last night about it, I just couldn’t my head out of the spiral and then this morning after the phone call, it has just continued downward.

What am I supposed to feel or think, when I am essentially unemployable yet there appear to be hundreds of jobs out there?

The consultant told me to go to seek.com and linkedin and try and apply for jobs on there because my skills are transferrable to any industry….I was speechless when he said that; acually speechless….do you not think that I have tried every fucking avenue to finding a new job – especially as I have my linkedin profile on my fucking resume???

I have applied for at least 14 jobs every week for the last 11 months,  (2 jobs a day roughly)and I have had one interview at an actual employer, I have had 3 agency interviews in that time….I think that means I am not employable.

What is the point of me being here, when I offer absolutely nothing to the world? How am I supposed to look my husband in the face when I am causing us such financial trouble that we can barely survive?  Why did I leave my last job without having something else to go – why in fuck’s name did I think- stupidly – that I would have no trouble whatsoever falling into another position?  Who the fuck do I think I am to actually think I have some skills or experience that could be useful.  How am I supposed to just keep smiling when inside I am screaming and crying?

I have felt like this twice before and neither of those times were a period I want to re-live, I just can’t see a way out of this and I just can’t understand why it is so hard. I thought I was better than this and I thought I would be fine.

I am not fine. Nothing is ok. I am not coping and I can no longer control the downward spiral.  I am ashamed of myself, I am ashamed of my decisions, I am guilty because of the issues I am causing and I am feeling completly tapped out of self worth. Over it all.