My husband…the genius…

well…I wasn’t going to call him nasty in the title…but he pretty much laid it out for me tonight and told me to essentially stop being a wanker 🙂

He said some very honest honest things which he thought would hurt my feelings and really they didn’t..but don’t let me lose the pretend high ground ok?  I have nothing else to hold onto after tonight.

It is a very long drive from the inner CBD to our place so it allows a lot of time for discussion, especially in traffic.

The long version is this:

I am afraid I will fail….it doesn’t matter what I want to do, my immediate feeling is I will fail.  I cannot succeed so why bother trying in the first place – it is easier to run myself down and not invest the emotions, money, time etc to any project.  So I have, as most of you would know, start degrees in topics that are completely NOT me simply because – by default – how badly can you fail at something like marketing??  Pretty well – i found out with my first assignment.

I am not someone who wants to spend 4 years writing essays about others people’s ideas or reference their experiences…seems rather dull to me…I don’t want to be marked on what I can prove or disprove in an essay – that shows nothing about my skills as a person or my skills on a computer or with anything else.

So, i have narrowed down my “passions” to a couple of things…photography, baking (pasty/desert chef), an apprenticeship in something along the lines of horticulture/landscaping or acting- something hands on and immediate results are obvious.

Hubby basically said that to do short courses are cheap enough that you could do some, see what the results are and determine if you are still interested after that.  So I have looked into photography to start with and found a 5 week course for $395…nothing fancy but it will give me a great few weeks learning and improving to decide if I have any talent or ability behind a camera.  I am currently throwing around some ideas in my head already for potential coffee table books or clients…but of course….I have to work on that….if you have any feedback about my photography shots now would be the time…they can mostly be found here.

NIDA also has some short courses for acting – expensive ish – but it is NIDA so I am willing to pay the money….Acting was never something I ever really spoke about as a dream because I am so horrible publicly talking/singing etc in front of crowds or people (without large quantitates of alcohol).  But it was always burning in the background.

I am also going to look into dancing as that was always a dream – ask hubby about my dancing movie collection – but I think I am too old…like footballers you get to 25 and they want someone younger…but I am going to find out anyway, and yes…I know I am not exactly the body shape right now…

If I stick to the plan, perhaps by the end of this year I will have done some short courses in all things I really want to do and can decide on a future path for me to take.

Yes this is like the 15 millionth time I have talked about it, but the first time I have ever really done anything about it….I have fixed so many areas of my life this is the one holding me back from really just being completely content.

The short version to sum up:

Hubby says I am an idiot for not believing in myself more, and he has all the faith I need that I can succeed at anything I put my mind to.  So I have to try out things and see what fits….then I can at least make an educated decision about what I enjoy and what I will succeed in.

Unhappy and desperate

I am completely over it at the moment. My fairy god mother never turned up to tell me exactly what I should be doing in my life and so here I am again; confused, annoyed and just bored.

Every other aspects of my life is perfect, hubby, home, friends, faith….yet the one thing that still eludes me is what I should make a career out of.

Here is a list of some of the professions over the years I have thought I wanted to do:

Business owner
Curator -art
System admin
Pastry/cake chef
Photographer – yeah right!

And this is by no means complete…..I am just not interested in one thing….maybe acting is the way to go because I can be everything at some point? Lol

I have now confirmed a few things – doing a degree requires more time than I have available, distance Ed even more so and requires motivation that is not existent, I don’t like doing essays and reports and reading pages of bullshit that apparently makes them legit simply because they were printed – doesn’t mean their opinions are not biased!!!, I prefer actually doing something creatively and being marked on that – like my website, I don’t want to be a low level admin person for the rest of my life but I don’t know where to start!!!!!

I am so deflated and saddened about it….why could I not make a decision??

Just don’t have the time

I am wondering if I should really just give his uni thing the flick until I have a job that is closer to home (or in the bcd at least).  I was explaining to hubby last night that I just don’t have the motivation with the remaining hour of my day to do study, which is putting me on the back foot, and I can’t really spend all weekend studying as that is the time I actually get to do shopping, housework and general outings (like seeing friends).  I am not able to give uni my focus or even any attention at all, and I am feeling guilty about that and slightly annoyed with myself.

I do want to do it, but I am just not sure I can….I want to spend time losing weight, which means that last hour i should be doing exercise and i am not doing that because I am doing study….or neither because I am frustrated at not having time for both….

Vicious cycle….


Modelling? LOL

My bestie in Sydney, is having a modelling day with some gorgeous women…and I have been invited…I am wondering whether I can pull it off?  I have never been very photogenic and I am not very comfortable in my current state, however there is one major reason why I am even contemplating this….

to be able to show off down the track.

My friend is a fabulous photographer – she says she still needs to learn to play with shadows (whatever!!) but even without that she manages to capture people on film so beautifully….(not just people, but that is the focus of this shoot). I am a terrible people photographer…I am much better at landscapes and nature….she is amazing…that picture with S on the chair…REOW!!  Still sticks in my mind…I wonder if I can convince her to let me get a print of that….mmmm there’s a thought…would be a great bedroom shot…..above the vanity mirror….maybe I should take my camera and take shots of everything that is non person related 🙂 that os my talent…HAHAH

anyway, tangent there….

I would be able to look at these photos and feel sexy I am sure, but it also means in say 12 months, I could ask her to do more shots of me (hopefully skinnier) and then more again later, that would chart my progress so to speak.  They could show the internal change as I am sure it would be possible to see a change in expression over time with regards to be comfortable in front of a camera….

Either way I am honoured to be invited and I really hope I don’t chicken out at the thought….

The other thing to note about this shoot, and I really want to support her with this, is because this is the first one since her mother passed and I think it shows she is getting her footing back into something resembling normal life and I want to be there to support that.

Death and opening doors

I was notified last night someone from my past, that meant a lot to me, passed away 2 days ago.  her lungs collapsed in hospital, she was a very sick lady, even when I knew her, so it doesn’t really come as a shock per se, but it is still a shock in a sense…

We will never have the chance to mend the breach she created, not that I believe she would have ever apologised but whilst she was alive the chance was perhaps always there.

Anyway I am glad she is no longer suffering and I wish her well into the Summerlands.

From her passing an old friend has gotten in contact with me via Facebook.  I posted on my friends wall and this other person saw it and messaged me.  She was a long time friend of my dead friend and they also had a massive falling out.  We both have mutual scars but we got along really well and I am happy to have had some contact with her.

I will be calling her this afternoon to have a quick catch up and see how she is doing, she is devastated by the loss, and I am not sure how well she will cope with it, she was always a little exuberant 😀  Losing someone so dear to her, will not go down well with her.

The world is funny how it works.

I am hoping the Sydney crew keep me in the loop about the funeral arrangements, not that I have intentions to go, but I would like to light a candle for her in remembrance.  She was a mentor to me in my youth and she taught me may valuable lessons about betrayal, friendship and trust – that should always be remembered.

New bed and new me

We have now been sleeping on our bed for almost a week and my back is almost, almost not sore..there is still a slight twinge but it is nothing compared to what it used to be.  It took about 3 days for the pain to finally stop – after the first night there was a noticeable difference. So I am feeling so much better!!  My biggest issue with the bed is how high from the ground we are sleeping, at a guess it is almost triple the height of our old bed and I have to almost climb into it every night….I love it…except for nights like last night where hubby kept snuggling closer to me and at some point I was about to fall out….it’s a big drop…So comfy though…omg so comfy…new bed is super…love it – it’s probably my best buy of 2011….

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