Rage, Anger, Hate, Despair

Yes, these are all the emotions currently taking control of my life and sanity.

I am feeling really angry, all the time, as though I am worthless again.  It has been a long time since I felt this way and not really have I felt it as strongly since I was seeing N for my rape counselling and agoraphobia.

I am so confused as to what is making me feel this way, I know work would be a major factor there, as I do feel more and more worthless the more jobs I apply for, the more meetings I get pulled into for something, and the more I am made to feel that my past sick leave will never be forgotten by them.

I don’t want to be angry, and I don’t want to react as explosively as I do, but it happens before I even have a chance to register the anger. I am unhappy with me and my life and the fact that I have placed myself in a position of guilt, shame, despair and I am unable to see the way out of the cavernous pit.

A friend asked me today what my talents/gifts/passions were…and I spent all day trying to come up with something…anything….and I had nothing…i could not offer a thought as to something that would perhaps give me an outlet for this rage.  I like blogging, but well that’s not really a career or past time of any major merit (well it might if i was getting paid for it :p). I do enjoy cooking and baking, but tell me – like we need another cooking show/book/blog about new and wonderful recipes and then I was stumped. I had nothing else. I am a blank canvas and then that made me feel even more worthless.

You see, I don’t have any friends, that are constantly in my life and actually my friends. Hrmm that didn’t come out right. Most people have a best friend or a circle of friends that hang out together, you go shopping, you talk, you have dinner and drinkies nights. I don’t have that with anyone, and although some people may not want or need it, I feel that is one of the reasons I am so angry.

I have no girls to just hang out with, friends that are not self centered that perhaps want to hear what I have to say, that can understand that I am not good in crowds, that i don’t like public transport that I am will always be slightly broken now.  I think it is very hard to find people at my age that want to do that kind of stuff or want to even spend the time getting to know you.

I am not a hermit by nature but the last few years have shown me who my friends are and I can count them on 3 fingers. This saddens me as I married one, the other is interstate and 0ne is an animal (dog). I have not felt this kind emotion for over 10 years when I did try and kill myself after the rape.  This is what concerns me.  The exploding rage comes from the lack of worth and overwhelming sense of being alone….

I am so confused…..

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2 thoughts on “Rage, Anger, Hate, Despair

  1. Carl D'Agostino says:

    I am BA/MA history and theology and not licensed to advise. Because of that I can not give a certified opinion but I can offer a very “qualified” one because I’ve been there and at the risk of being labeled Clintonesque I really do feel your pain. You gotta fix this. I’m 60 and you need to divest yourself of this now to avoid many debilitating years.

    I drank a 5th of vodka a day and lots of pot and a line of coke every now and then for 35 years. Hey, I live in Miami. If relevant, that has to go. Clean and sober over 8 years! Feel so much better. Huge chunk anger evaporated right there. You are living inside your head. Get out of it. Community service, civic programs. Did 34 years high school teacher. Kids minority/inner city sure could use some outside help in reading and writing from someone that can read and write. Part of anger is from feeling we are not getting anywhere and are unproductive. Try my suggestion for school volunteer. Not only will the little ones love you but you will learn to love them and the new person you may become and that is not pride or vanity. We must love ourselves enough not to be selfish and make ourselves available to others.

    In my three and a half decades in the classroom I did more to leave this world a better place than Caesar, Napoleon, all those kings and all the rest of them.

    • dragonray says:

      Grats on the 8 years clean and Sober!!! It’s an excellent achievement!!

      Part of anger is from feeling we are not getting anywhere and are unproductive.

      I wonder how much of that is actually true for me, I shall have to condsider your words some more as I feel you may be onto something here. Not sure schooling kids is my thing, but there are plenty of other volunteer programs I can do 🙂

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