Rage, Anger, Hate, Despair

Yes, these are all the emotions currently taking control of my life and sanity.

I am feeling really angry, all the time, as though I am worthless again.  It has been a long time since I felt this way and not really have I felt it as strongly since I was seeing N for my rape counselling and agoraphobia.

I am so confused as to what is making me feel this way, I know work would be a major factor there, as I do feel more and more worthless the more jobs I apply for, the more meetings I get pulled into for something, and the more I am made to feel that my past sick leave will never be forgotten by them.

I don’t want to be angry, and I don’t want to react as explosively as I do, but it happens before I even have a chance to register the anger. I am unhappy with me and my life and the fact that I have placed myself in a position of guilt, shame, despair and I am unable to see the way out of the cavernous pit.

A friend asked me today what my talents/gifts/passions were…and I spent all day trying to come up with something…anything….and I had nothing…i could not offer a thought as to something that would perhaps give me an outlet for this rage.  I like blogging, but well that’s not really a career or past time of any major merit (well it might if i was getting paid for it :p). I do enjoy cooking and baking, but tell me – like we need another cooking show/book/blog about new and wonderful recipes and then I was stumped. I had nothing else. I am a blank canvas and then that made me feel even more worthless.

You see, I don’t have any friends, that are constantly in my life and actually my friends. Hrmm that didn’t come out right. Most people have a best friend or a circle of friends that hang out together, you go shopping, you talk, you have dinner and drinkies nights. I don’t have that with anyone, and although some people may not want or need it, I feel that is one of the reasons I am so angry.

I have no girls to just hang out with, friends that are not self centered that perhaps want to hear what I have to say, that can understand that I am not good in crowds, that i don’t like public transport that I am will always be slightly broken now.  I think it is very hard to find people at my age that want to do that kind of stuff or want to even spend the time getting to know you.

I am not a hermit by nature but the last few years have shown me who my friends are and I can count them on 3 fingers. This saddens me as I married one, the other is interstate and 0ne is an animal (dog). I have not felt this kind emotion for over 10 years when I did try and kill myself after the rape.  This is what concerns me.  The exploding rage comes from the lack of worth and overwhelming sense of being alone….

I am so confused…..

It’s actually only 54 working days

Yup, I just counted them on my diary, with a little countdown for my reference.  Just 54 days, that’s all I have to keep my cool for, but you know what just walking to the building this morning and I got angry and annoyed and wanted to committ murder, and that was before I had walked in.

Yes it is defiantely time to leave this place if that is how I feel just walking towards the building.  This place and the people and everything about it just make me hate everything…

Last night I was in tears at how worthless I feel and how worthless I have let this place make me feel – this is now moving into other areas of my life so that if someone makes an offhand comment I take offence because I see it as an attack at my worth.  Justitfied, perhaps, paranoid, maybe…who cares it is how I feel.

there are drums at work today – african or soemthing and they are fucking pissing me off!!!!! Time for headphones I think and perhaps some calming music to inspire me for the day….

Doubt that will happpen in this fucking shit hole of hell….