The truth about everything…finally being told

The following is the truth about me, my life and all the lies I have managed to weave over the years. I am going to come clean, and try to help me move forward.

I have placed it behind a cut, it is long, boring and not very interesting so feel free to skip over it.

I used to be a different person to the one I am today. I used to be the type who would never leave the house without at least eyeliner and some lippy/gloss. I used to dance like the beat of the earth was pulsing through my veins. I used to smile and laugh and have fun every where I went. I used to walk/transport everywhere I went, and I used to talk to people, strangers, i met on transport…I made some wonderful friends that way. I used to be a size 14 who was proud of her curves, who loved being more than just a little breakable stick figure.

I was raped. My first serious sexual experience was a near death experience which will be a burden I shall carry forever. I am not wanting a poor me, but I want the lies to be understood. I was stabbed multiple times and choked because I did not want he guy who wanted me. We were supposed to be friends, great friends, but just friends nonetheless.

I had known for a very long time, that I seemed to have an ability to make guys swoon, god only knows how..but it was true. I was never without offers and boyfriends and all manner of pick ups. I was not overly fond of the attention, but most of the time it never went anywhere just harmless flirting.

Since the rape, I have made myself believe the safest way to go through life is not be attractive. Harm will not occur if people take no notice of you other than to mock your weight or ugliness. I have lived that, believed it, proven by the fact that I have just kept on piling on weight and never being really interested in wearing make up or making an effort with my appearance. Yes I do make an effort, just not in the way you would think. I have created a persona of ugliness which ensures people avoid me unless necessary.

I can deal with the snide hurtful comments about fat people in the world, I really can, compared to the safety I feel being fat.

On Monday that major mindset has to change, because on Monday I have to start losing weight. I have to start convincing myself that I want to be attractive and healthier looking. I have to convince myself that nothing like that is going to happen to me again – then I think of the statistics – 1 out of every 7 women have been raped. 1 out of every 3 has been sexually assaulted. 1 out of every 7…..I am already that one yes, but does it not mean it can happen again?

How do I stop my brain from remembering the betrayal and self loathing from last time long enough to motivate myself to look good and feel better?

I have spent 13 years making myself believe I would be safer being fat and unattractive, how do I even begin to work backwards on that one.

I am so jealous and hate filled when I think of all these girls out there, walking around in nice clothes, looking pretty and making me hate my fat body – I WAS NEVER MEANT TO BE FAT!!!!! I was meant to be sexy – for my entire life! I was meant to be a dancer and I was meant to have no shame about my body. Yet here we are. I hate everyone that is not fat because they are what I should be, I want to know why they are not ashamed or scared of looking attractive. How they are able to walk around flaunting their nice figures and they don’t go through what I went through – and if they did – how did they not turn in on themselves and get fat as well?

GAH!!!!! Anyway – Monday I have to stop all this thinking and I have to stop lying to myself that my weight is fine that I am not all that fat…my reverse anorexia has to end. I need to make this work…for my health, mental and physical.


One thought on “The truth about everything…finally being told

  1. minxee says:

    I want to know why they are not ashamed or scared of looking attractive. How they are able to walk around flaunting their nice figures and they don’t go through what I went through – and if they did – how did they not turn in on themselves and get fat as well?
    I’m offering hugs, but not pity because I know you wouldn’t want pity. Far from it. I didn’t know the extent of your experience, but fucking hell…
    How can I answer your question? Hmmmm Let me see. What I can tell you, is that not everyone wears their ‘scars’ physically in an outward way.
    What I can tell you, is that at times, I have no realistic idea of what I look like and cannot even fathom my shape or size. Regardless of what it might be. At times, my perception of how I look is so twisted and fucked up, that I can’t look in mirrors and I actively avoid them. At times, I avoid doing things I enjoy doing because I’m paranoid, anxious and go into meltdown. Last Saturday was the last time it happened. I haven’t written about on my LJ but I did write about it on spirit_embodied which is an LJ community that is about weight loss and spirituality. Go and have a look if you’re interested in something like that.
    Anyway, when I’m feeling low, I frequently wear clothes that are too big, ill-fitting or baggy and generally don’t draw attention to my boobs, especially not at work.
    The rare times when I do feel body positive, is soooooo fucking rare and takes so much mental headspace to summon it up (like on my wedding day) that I find it hard to maintain it for long afterwards. I’m doing alot of work personally to try and get a more realistic idea of my own body shape, size and abilities and I want to be able to see what my husband sees, and even learn not to hate my body. It’s the only one I’ve got.
    So how can I flaunt my figure? I rarely do.
    I’m not scared of feeling or looking attractive because I rarely believe that I actually am. I know that doesn’t sound credible, but it’s an honest and as plain as I can be.
    Body dysmorphia is more common than we think. I wish you all the best and will offer you all the support in the world to get through your journey.

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