i have had a very depressing few weeks…i am unsure why – but i just feel terrible…i feel so alone..i am about to start at the gym – next week actually so hopefully that will pick me up – but i am depressed for so many reasons I am beginning to think I may actually need help.
There is nothing actually wrong with my life, but I just feel like i going nowhere…i want to do so many htings and be in so many places…yet i do not know what they are or how to get there.
drew has noticed there is something wrong, and he keeps asking me – but since i have no idea myself hwo to put it into word then how can i expect him to understand. I just keep telling him everything is fine. I know i am unhappy at work, but how do i get out of this rut – i have no tertiary qualifications, I also feel like i have just been demoted at work since they have given me the shitkickers job to do and taken away any sembelance of responsibility i may have had.
i know in this industry they put people in whatever role they cna to help get the worlk done – but i still feel like a loser.
The underwriting job i realy wanted got given to somebody else who did nothing to earn it or even attempt to win the role…he handed in his resignation and that was all it took for him to get the role that i have bene waiting for almost two years for. I have waited because everyone told me it was silly to leave when i had worked for so long with the same company and i convinced myself (because everyone said the same thing) that it would be different in melbourne – and it hasn’t hanged at all…..i still have no pay rise, i still haven’t done any courses and i still am stuck in the admin role i have alwsy been in…all because what – because i hate being here and i really have nothing to offer these people.
I really have nothing to offer anyone..i have no idea why drew loves me or why he stays with me – i am fucked up, i never feel like having sex anymore, i never even want to be touched, i don’t feel like getting up in the mornings or even staying awake, i can’t focus or concentrate on anything, i am constantly sick, i am overweight because as usual i eat to help me through life…..i dont have ciggarettes anymore, or pot, becaus ei am trying my littl heart out to be what everyone wants me to be – i have no idea who i am supposed to be – it is almost like i want to take three weeks to just enjoy myself and relax and be away from anything that hurts me – japan will be a good trip as i get away from work (if i am still here) and am able to just be with drew with no pressures or anything….
i know this is a long post and god help me if this has not been private like i am hoping it will be…because there is too much in here that i don’t want people to see…
i mean i want to go our clubbing like i used to and go raving to just dance the night away and forget there is a problem – but then i feel bad if i leave drew home alone and do not spend time with him – so i forgoe the need…he even tells me to go out and do what i want to do, but that makes me want to stay home with him more…although i know i shouldn’t because i do not want to resent him later – but then i hardly think i would considering i have no one to go clubbing with anyway…
then the other problem arises where i cannot veen be bothered trying to make friends because it is too hard when i am so scared they are just going to screw me over or that i am not going to be as cool as they are or i am going to be to idealistic and fuck it all up like i am so used to doing…
it is almost like everything i touch turns to shite and hence why i am so depressed at the moment…i want the world to notice me and say hey you are the same person whether you way 60kgs or 120kgs….but it just isn’t like that…fat people always get depressed because the world treats them as lazy and useless and disorganised – when in fact i am the complete opposite when it comes to work etc….
anyway i am on the move now because i am going to start wearing make up again, and the gym next week of course so i am hoping to go almost every day during the week to get a habit up and then maybe once i have startedto lose the weight i will feel better about myself and the world in which i happen to be stuck in.
I was tempted to post a pic of my current weight and keep a diary in here of how much weight i have lost – mainly cms because i am hoping that i will be building muscle as well so the kgs may not be an accurate refelction – mind you untili am down to somewhere near normal weight the kgs will tell a story anyway, so i have to get myself a scale and also a pedometer to measure how much i am doing during thre day as well..considering i will be walking to and from the gym (train stations anyway)and all the extra i do during trh enormal course of the day it will give me a fair idea about how many calories i am burning as well….so i can keep track of how many i burn during some of the gykm classes etc and then modify my food to suit…anyway that is my plan..
i will stop typing now, but i do feel slightly better for getting that off my chest….
get ready for the new/old mel!!!